How can I ensure my stepsons don't get a penny from my will?

Jerryjerryjerry

Mojisola wrote: »

I can understand that your emotions are probably raw at the moment but the OP isn't being selfish by wanting to give her money to a cause she thinks a lot of.

Her stepsons have a father and a mother. Why should they benefit from the estate of someone their father married?

Thank you for this post.

I feel quite upset actually that someone thinks that I should leave everything i've worked for, for 30 years, to someone I don't love and I don't know very well.

I have always loved dogs and I would be a lot happier leaving anything left over when i'm gone, to something worthy of my hard work.

Newly_retired

You can absolutely leave your money to whoever you choose.
It's not for no reason that step children have no rights in law.

Plans_all_plans

To be honest the thing that concerns me most about all of this is that your husband is a man who has had no contact with his child between the ages of 10-12! I could put that down to a difficult ex-wife but the fact that his 2 older sons have had nothing to do with him for 2 years rings alarm bells to me. I just couldn't marry a man who wasn't in contact with his children (particularly a 10 year old!!) - whatever the reasons behind it.

In terms of the will, if you predecease your husband, you can stipulate that you wish your husband to live there until his death, whereupon his half of the assets go to his kids and your half goes to the cat's home.

Jerryjerryjerry

thatgirlsam wrote: »

You did marry a man who had children though - you must have known they would be part of his life therefore part of yours

Did your husband pay maintenance for them? and his youngest now?

I did indeed. However, he has made a huge settlement. Bought the ex wife and the sons a house to live in. Also, he still sends money for the youngest. The other two are over 18.

I accepted all of this, but it was still a shock to find a very large stepson living with us.. so soon after the wedding.. (hours, infact).

After meeting them and getting to know them a little, I really find them hard work. If they were polite and didn't swear and take drugs and be rude, I would have enjoyed getting to know them.

I'll give you an example. Last year, I spent £100 on presents for the eldest. Now.. I've not had my hair cut in 2 years coz I can't afford it. My husband and I don't ever go out - well, we've been out twice thanks to this website (using the free cinema tickets). So to me, £100 is a lot of money. I don't expect thanks. But when I handed the presents over, he pointed to the sofa, and said leave them there - I'll deal with them later. I wont ever forget the tone he used with me in front of the rest of the family.

He didn't touch the present till later on in the evening. I was quite hurt.

He is very rude in his attitude and thinks he's a gangster of some sort. Its not my cup of tea. I don't like his language and I don't like the way he talks. Its very very hard to have a civlised conversation with him. However, I wont give up trying, and I will always be polite and cook for him on sundays etc... when I have to... but I can't imagine ever loving him.

Jerryjerryjerry

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

To be honest the thing that concerns me most about all of this is that your husband is a man who has had no contact with his child between the ages of 10-12! I could put that down to a difficult ex-wife but the fact that his 2 older sons have had nothing to do with him for 2 years rings alarm bells to me. I just couldn't marry a man who wasn't in contact with his children (particularly a 10 year old!!) - whatever the reasons behind it.

In terms of the will, if you predecease your husband, you can stipulate that you wish your husband to live there until his death, whereupon his half of the assets go to his kids and your half goes to the cat's home.

I know what you're saying. My family were the same. They didn't want me to marry this man as they thought the same as you. However, my husband tried very hard to get contact, but wasn't able to, due to the lies the ex wife told in court. (whoever knows the truth?)... anyway, apparently, the ex wife told the sons that my husband slept with her sister.

clw1

As some of the others have said it is possible to not leave anything to the children. So as I see it you have 3 options:


1 - You can leave all your share straight to the animal charity but your husband may well have to sell the house etc to give them the money so he would have nowhere to live or not be able to afford to buy a new place.

2 - you leave it all to your husband and ask him to leave 50% to the animal charity in his will if you die first.

3 - put your share of the house / assets into a trust. The trust / trustees then allow your husband to keep living in the house until his death and at that point the house is sold and your half goes to the animal charity. However if you do use a trust you need to decide the following :

Who will be the trustees ? solicitors are expensive if they are administrating it but there are legal requirements to consider, are any friends / relatives happy to be trustees (probably best if your OH is not a trustee as he is recieving the benefit of assets (ie the house) that are owned by the trust).

What are the rules for the trust. Your trustees are in charge of giving out the money as they see fit but you need to talk to them about what you want and to consider all cirumstances.i.e

• what happens if OH falls ill and needs money for care - can money in your trust be used to help him pay for a care home or additional help and hence less goes to the charity ?
• What happens if your OH cannot afford to live on his pension etc - can the trustees give him money (ie to pay the heating bills etc) but again less goes to the charity
• What happens if your OH re-marries, does he then have to sell the house and release your share to the charity or can a new partner move into the house with him ?
• What happens if your OH wants to move house eg to a bungalow etc but cannot afford to - can the trust take a share of a new more suitable house until his death ?

So in short if you do go for a trust you need to get good legal advice and pick the trustees carefully.

Also as the others have said if you change your mind in a few years you can always get the will re-written.

MsHoarder

I know you said he had no contact with his sons, but that's a bad thing...

My step sisters and brother-in-law didn't talk to his mum for 4 years after his parents' divorce. The daughters are now speaking to their mum again since my father-in-law met his stepson in a mortuary at the age of 19. You never know what is around the corner, and family love doesn't stop happening just because of a divorce.

My brother was very like the OP's step-sons for a couple of years. Then he realised that all his mates had more disposable income and were going somewhere with their lives. He got off his backside, got a job and a better attitude (ok, he still sometimes gets up at 3pm at the weekend...). He may change before any of this is a problem.

Note that a will dated before the OP met her husband will be disregarded though, as it was made in the absence of an individual whom she now has responsibilities to. Its possible to opt out of those responsibilities, but not by simply not updating the will.

Gigglepig

Jerryjerryjerry wrote: »

I'm always polite towards my step children. I even had to spend £100 on presents for my oldest stepson for his birthday as my husband had gone overdrawn on his account.

Wel.... it is entirely normal to buy presents for family members so it is what is expected of you. It sounds almost a bit petty to resent buying family members a present?

Jerryjerryjerry wrote: »

If my step son worked or at least appeared to be looking for a job, and didn't stay in bed till 3.00 pm most days, then expect his gran to cook him sausage and/or egg sandwiches (sausages which we have to buy for him every week), leaving the dishes lying around - then go out and spend his benefit money on spliffs and come home in the evening spaced out, be rude to his gran and of course rude to my husband if he ever dares challenge him, then perhaps I wouldn't have such a bad mindset towards my stepson. As it happens, I am always polite but I try to avoid him at all costs.

We also paid for driving lessons for him, which he messed up. We have supplied him with a computer. A television when the last one broke down and he throws it back in our faces by getting kicked out of college for threatening another boy. He hasn't worked for two years.

One day, my husband, last summer told him there were jobs going at our local mcdonalds, he responded, "you work there then". Now, we don't go out ourselves.. We are both on fairly low salaries. I'm on £17k and my husband is on £18k. We have a mortgage. I resent having to pay for this boy only for him to throw it back in my face. I'm certainly not prepared to allow him to enjoy his life on the back of my hard work!

I understand that none of this is easy for you, however it is quite normal for young adults to be a bit rude to their family members. So you can hardly expect that they'd never say anything offensive or that you'd never have arguments? It is also entirely normal to help even grown kids financially with for example driving lessons.

Jerryjerryjerry wrote: »

Remember, I was told that the step sons were not in my husband's life any more. However, they are, and i've dealt with that by buying my own house.

It sounds really odd to write off ones kids like that. Once you have them there is no going back. Surely one would expect any decent guy to try to have more contact with his kids when they grew up and he could have a relationship with them independently of their IH?

You say that you are polite, but you seem to have a very negative attitude towards your stepson which he can probably tell. He may have his own issues that he is struggling with.

Jerryjerryjerry wrote: »

I hardly know these young men and yet, I am expected to have love for them. They are all rude, arrogant and selfish. As i've said above, the youngest is always asking his dad for money, never visits his dad and is always in trouble at school.

Given the circumstances here, no wonder the kids may have a strained relationship with their dad. It is hardly unusual that young adults ask their parents for money. You come across as quite aggressive too and perhaps you should direct the anger and disappointment with your OH (and yourself for marrying someone with a family?) rather than at his sons. As long as you have this attitude to them your relationship with them is unlikely to improve, so it is in your own best interest to change what you can change i.e. what you think and do.

Jerryjerryjerry wrote: »

I am not some sort of walkover. His sons can do whatever they so choose.. but not on MY MONEY.

If you married, presumably it is not YOUR money but "OUR" money?

Gigglepig

I just want to clarify that you can of course leave your money to anyone you'd like, and that is fine, but you don't seem to be a very friendly step mum :-(

Gigglepig

Jerryjerryjerry wrote: »

I did indeed. However, he has made a huge settlement. Bought the ex wife and the sons a house to live in. Also, he still sends money for the youngest. The other two are over 18.

I accepted all of this, but it was still a shock to find a very large stepson living with us.. so soon after the wedding.. (hours, infact).

After meeting them and getting to know them a little, I really find them hard work. If they were polite and didn't swear and take drugs and be rude, I would have enjoyed getting to know them.

I'll give you an example. Last year, I spent £100 on presents for the eldest. Now.. I've not had my hair cut in 2 years coz I can't afford it. My husband and I don't ever go out - well, we've been out twice thanks to this website (using the free cinema tickets). So to me, £100 is a lot of money. I don't expect thanks. But when I handed the presents over, he pointed to the sofa, and said leave them there - I'll deal with them later. I wont ever forget the tone he used with me in front of the rest of the family.

He didn't touch the present till later on in the evening. I was quite hurt.

He is very rude in his attitude and thinks he's a gangster of some sort. Its not my cup of tea. I don't like his language and I don't like the way he talks. Its very very hard to have a civlised conversation with him. However, I wont give up trying, and I will always be polite and cook for him on sundays etc... when I have to... but I can't imagine ever loving him.

Your step kids need some time to get used to you as well. Have you ever talked to him about how he sees the relationship with you?

How would you feel if someone who absolutely resented you and thought you could not be loved would live with your dad, let alone particular situations like if they gave you a present, would it not be awkward?

You say that you don't expect thanks, but I think you probably did expect a thanks, and perhaps you need to sit down with first and foremost your OH and then your stepsons to discuss all these family issues.