How can I ensure my stepsons don't get a penny from my will?

Gothicfairy

Jerryjerryjerry wrote: »

I agree with the username bit. My stepson has delusions of grandeur. He spends his dole money on drugs and McDonalds while we go searching in Asda an hour before closing, for bargains. We never go out.

I resent us paying for his food when he spends his dole money the way he does. Anybody would.

I understand what you are saying but that is clearly how he was raised , as was the others by the sound of it and your husband must play some part in that as they are his children too and even if all he did was leave the raising to their mother that does not make it right.
It takes 2 to make a kid and it should take 2 to bring one up...If your man failed then that is down to him, him giving money will not make it better. Kids need more then just a house and cash.

Gothicfairy

Have you said anything to the kids though ? Have you made it clear how you feel to them ?

consultant31

Gigglepig wrote: »

Wel.... it is entirely normal to buy presents for family members so it is what is expected of you. It sounds almost a bit petty to resent buying family members a present?

Surely not when that family member is so rude they can't even come up with a simple thank-you! I may be odd, but anyone who couldn't show some appreciation for a gift, wouldn't get another one from me.


I understand that none of this is easy for you, however it is quite normal for young adults to be a bit rude to their family members. So you can hardly expect that they'd never say anything offensive or that you'd never have arguments? It is also entirely normal to help even grown kids financially with for example driving lessons.

This is not exactly a 'normal' family relationship though is it? These 'kids' treat the OP as a source of revenue and don't appear to treat their Dad or Gran much better.

You say that you are polite, but you seem to have a very negative attitude towards your stepson which he can probably tell. He may have his own issues that he is struggling with.

He's 22, not a child. Spending £100 on a birthday present, buying driving lessons etc tends to show quite a positive attitude in my opinion.


Given the circumstances here, no wonder the kids may have a strained relationship with their dad. It is hardly unusual that young adults ask their parents for money. You come across as quite aggressive too and perhaps you should direct the anger and disappointment with your OH (and yourself for marrying someone with a family?) rather than at his sons. As long as you have this attitude to them your relationship with them is unlikely to improve, so it is in your own best interest to change what you can change i.e. what you think and do.

If you married, presumably it is not YOUR money but "OUR" money?

I think the OP perhaps means the money she had earned before she married, which could be considerable since she apparently married later in life. Money earned during the marriage is 'ours' but as far as I'm concerned, previously accrued savings are your own.

Jerryjerryjerry

clw1 wrote: »

As some of the others have said it is possible to not leave anything to the children. So as I see it you have 3 options:


1 - You can leave all your share straight to the animal charity but your husband may well have to sell the house etc to give them the money so he would have nowhere to live or not be able to afford to buy a new place.
He would be very welcome to live with his mother. She has her own house and that's where he was living when I met him. We've only bought a new house because I didn't relish living with his step son and his mother - plus I had the £70k from the sale of my house in London lying around in the bank gaining zero interest. My husband borrowed £30k and so we've got an imbalance there already. In reality, I own 70% of the house and he owns 30%! (once mortgage paid of course)
2 - you leave it all to your husband and ask him to leave 50% to the animal charity in his will if you die first.
Sounds awful but I don't trust he'll do that. He will always think of his sons before a dog charity. And of course, had I had children of my own, maybe i'd feel the same.

3 - put your share of the house / assets into a trust. The trust / trustees then allow your husband to keep living in the house until his death and at that point the house is sold and your half goes to the animal charity. However if you do use a trust you need to decide the following :

This sounds fine. However, as my husband has his mother's house to go to, I could easily ask him to sell the house upon my death.
Who will be the trustees ? solicitors are expensive if they are administrating it but there are legal requirements to consider, are any friends / relatives happy to be trustees (probably best if your OH is not a trustee as he is recieving the benefit of assets (ie the house) that are owned by the trust).
I trust my uncle and aunt. They are both only two years' older than me ... so they'd probably be around. Infact, I trust all three of my uncles implicitely.
What are the rules for the trust. Your trustees are in charge of giving out the money as they see fit but you need to talk to them about what you want and to consider all cirumstances.i.e

• what happens if OH falls ill and needs money for care - can money in your trust be used to help him pay for a care home or additional help and hence less goes to the charity ?
• What happens if your OH cannot afford to live on his pension etc - can the trustees give him money (ie to pay the heating bills etc) but again less goes to the charity
• What happens if your OH re-marries, does he then have to sell the house and release your share to the charity or can a new partner move into the house with him ?
• What happens if your OH wants to move house eg to a bungalow etc but cannot afford to - can the trust take a share of a new more suitable house until his death ?

So in short if you do go for a trust you need to get good legal advice and pick the trustees carefully.

Also as the others have said if you change your mind in a few years you can always get the will re-written.

This is true.

Thank you very much for this food for thought.

Jerryjerryjerry

consultant31 wrote: »

I think the OP perhaps means the money she had earned before she married, which could be considerable since she apparently married later in life. Money earned during the marriage is 'ours' but as far as I'm concerned, previously accrued savings are your own.

Yes. I have secret savings that my gran had been keeping safe for me until she passed away last year. I have worked since I was 16, full time and never been wasteful of money. I've also had property of my own and I married two years ago aged 40.

Jerryjerryjerry

Gothicfairy wrote: »

Have you said anything to the kids though ? Have you made it clear how you feel to them ?

I don't understand why I would have the need to?

I don't have any interest in trying to build any sort of relationship with them. I married a man, not his family.

Jerryjerryjerry

Gothicfairy wrote: »

I understand what you are saying but that is clearly how he was raised , as was the others by the sound of it and your husband must play some part in that as they are his children too and even if all he did was leave the raising to their mother that does not make it right.
It takes 2 to make a kid and it should take 2 to bring one up...If your man failed then that is down to him, him giving money will not make it better. Kids need more then just a house and cash.

I know what you're saying, and I agree. However, its not my problem. Its my husband's. My problem is my money I earned in 24 years prior to meeting them and preventing it going to them.

Plans_all_plans

Jerryjerryjerry wrote: »

I don't have any interest in trying to build any sort of relationship with them. I married a man, not his family.

I think that is very sad. A man who has had a family previously and remarried COMES WITH his family. While I sympathise with your frustrations about his son's behaviour, I feel it is in everyone's interests for you to have a relationship with his children.

If you feel unable to do this, I don't see happiness ahead: I would side with my children over anyone else on earth.

Jerryjerryjerry

Gothicfairy wrote: »

Money aside...This is so sad

I had a step mother from being 12, I tried hard to be the perfect daughter but my life before that was not easy and I struggled with having a mother. However we were never nasty to each other etc
My father passed away last year and I have now been totally cut off by my step family. So 20 odd years later I am worth less then I started with in their eyes although I have done nothing wrong.

I would kill for a mother who loved me and for a family but as it is I get to make my way in the world alone ( have hubby but that is it) please please try to make this work, leave them nothing in your will by all means but try and make a family and a happy home as that will be worth more then any money in the long term.

I have tried, really I have. Life is too short for a one sided relationship... whereby I am the giver and they take take take. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Where is your birth mother?

Jerryjerryjerry

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

I think that is very sad. A man who has had a family previously and remarried COMES WITH his family. While I sympathise with your frustrations about his son's behaviour, I feel it is in everyone's interests for you to have a relationship with his children.

If you feel unable to do this, I don't see happiness ahead: I would side with my children over anyone else on earth.

They are hardly orphans. Two of them live with their mother. Their own mother kicked the eldest one out for being a lazy sponger to teach him to be independant. Of course, my ex tells him he can move in with his mother (where we lived when we first married), and so whatever his mother was trying to achieve (being cruel to be kind/giving him a reality check), my husband and the boy's gran have overturned.

So, he has a mother who lives a few roads away and he lives with his gran. Really, he has no need for me.