Problem,me and my son

kate1976

cheepskate wrote: »

Words fail me !!!!. If this is what is it to be a "good christian" then i think i will stick to being a non-beleiver. It must be great, to think anything you like and say you are right because you have morals as you are good christian.

No wonder the poor son has went off the rails , getting this sickness pushed down his throat at every opportunity

Any wrote: »

Harsh, but completely agree. Even with the tone.
I felt for the OP when I read the thread yesterday, now I can see how she brought it all on herself, with this attitude and the way she looks at her son.

Tish_P wrote: »

I'll chip in a tenner for your son's deposit on a place of his own, OP. Out of the goodness of my atheist heart. It's thanks to attitudes like yours that I'm not a Christian any more myself.

I find myself hoping that your younger son becomes rich, happy and successful and has a strong, lifelong, faithful marriage to a lovely man.

Have to agree with these (and the many others) you seem totally blind to the fact that you are wasting precious moments with your grandchild just because of your high morals, it's fine to have morals but I fear you are living in the dark ages, nobody cares about kids out of wedlock anymore and if you were my mother and said that about my son, I'm sorry but you'd be on the floor before you could even say b@stard!!

I think your grandchild is much better off without you in his life. I can't believe I've actually just read your posts, we are in 2011 aren't we?!:(

Errata

It's all a sad and sorry tale, that's for sure.

Suzanne_Louise

zarazara wrote: »

we had to move as when my husband lost his job the house went too,it was a tied cottage. we could have stayed in the area but,as a family,after much discussion,we decided that a move to an new area was in order, we looked upon it as an opportunity,not a disaster. We were all pleased and still are about where we now live,my husband has found employment and we manage financially ok. re grandsons birth status. I use the term b****rd to mean he was born out of wed lock. Not his fault,of course,in fact he seems a nice little boy. However, I wanted,like most mothers,the best for my sons,and still do,that means a decent life style,job and marriage. For example, both me and my husband have only ever slept with each other and wouldnt dream of infidelity,neither would either of us have even thought of sleeping around before marriage. Marriage is a sacred state in our oppinion. We are apalled at the way a lot of youngsters behave, drink,debt,sleeping around. We both feel our grandson is highly disadvantaged ,being born out of wedlock and now coming from a broken home. I suspected there would be problems when I learned early on that the childs mother is from a broken home herself. Like mother like daughter. I am only thankful my own dear parents are now dead and dont have this heartbreak to endure. I manage emotionally by pretending my grandson doesnt exist as I canot reconcile the awfulness of what his future life will be, his mother already has another boyfriend and is sleeping with him unmarried. it all goes from bad to worse. I am trying my best to get my son on the straight and narrow path which will lead to contentment and self esteam. So no,it wasnt the house move that caused a problem. Just an unrulely teenager living in an amoral society. Today there has been some progress, his friend collected him to go out instead of him asking me to take him and he opened a tin and cooked his own dinner after work,this i'm not keen on as its my job to cook and clean,but i suppose its ok.

I'm shocked, stunned and really quite disgusted by what you've said here. Firstly, although a correct term to use, it is in this day and age, an incredibly derogatory term to use for anyone, let alone your grandson. Regardless of the circumstances of his birth, he has the same human rights as everyone else and to chose to refer to him as this and ignore him is shameful. Secondly, to say 'like mother, like daughter' about your son's ex partner is incredibly patronising. You don't know the circumstances of her parent's broken marriage but seem to lay the blame solely on the women.

Shameful.

Cinny91

Oh this is priceless. Honestly? A woman, infact the whole family, are at the end of their tether with how the son is behaving. Disrespectful to his parents, quite frankly sounds like he's going no where. His own Mother had to cover her bedroom door with heavy furniture to stop him getting in. But all this is perfectly fine because she considers the circumstance her Grandson was born into unfavorable?

If this thread was totally the same, bar the OP views on the life her Grandson was born into you'd all be offering the normal amazing advice instead of bullying her. I'm not saying I agree with her, but they're her views, back off a little. OP is having what sounds like a horrible time at home, she comes on here wanting a little support and advice and just gets abuse. If you were in her shoes, how would that make you feel?

For what it's worth, you honestly sound like you've tried all you can for your son. But from this I'm just gathering he isn't a very nice person, and there isn't much you can do when people by nature just aren't nice. I'd go with what your Husband said and make life a little tougher at home for him so it's his own choice to leave.

Mojisola

I don't think anyone is condoning the son's behaviour. As I said earlier - it would be better for them all if he was to go and I don't think the parents should wait for him to make the move. They should be taking the initiative.

However, as further information has been given by the OP, it looks as if the son's behaviour might be some kind of reaction to his parents' life choices. He's an adult and shouldn't be behaving as he does but family members sometimes "feed" each other's issues and they get stuck in a cycle where they can't break out.

I think the parents need to give him notice to leave and he needs to stand on his own two feet and start to act like an adult responsible for a child.

The sooner he goes and starts to find himself away from some of the OP's views, the happier he will probably be and the easier life will be for the OP.

System

The OP has my sympathy for her worries.... but not for her 'moral stance' re her grandson. The OP has obviously a strict set of morals and expectations which she is entitled to. But that does not entitle her to cut her grandson dead or to consider him disadvantaged...if he is she can help change that by giving him love and her time.

I think everyone has read between the lines here also and reached the conclusion that the rigidity of the OPs stance on morals is likely to have caused part of the problem. Her son has 'rebelled' it seems...so now in my opinion is the time when she cuts the apron strings ( quite literally!) and lets him go. He will not 'grow up' until he is away from home...may take years, which will be hard to watch...but each of us HAS to make our own mistakes to learn from.

From my own perspective my son's father left as soon as he found I was pregnant. It was the one thing his parents could not 'control'...though they tried by advising adoption. His mother ran every aspect of his life, he was incapable of making a decision for himself or take responsibility for his actions They were 'good, upright church people'...who have since made no attempt to meet or contact their grandchild...no milk of human kindness or Christion charity there!

OP Do all your family a favour..and yourself, love them but don't try and manage them now they are adults . Your son will get rent paid on a room if he is on low income, tell him you love him but you want him to leave and give him a time scale ... a month to find a room should be enough.

olibrofiz

OP from what you've said I think that your son is really, really unhappy, resents having to live with you, and takes all that out on you. He knows that you are disappointed in him which fuels his anger, & possibly despair. I would HATE to be in either your, or his, shoes.

I can understand that your OH would like him to leave of his own accord, but that may not happen for a long time - I would suggest you find a way to benefit all of you - even if it means paying a deposit on a flat for him so he can move out. Then leave him to get on with his life.

DD's paternal grandparents were devout methodists, and there was a bit of :eek: from them when we announced I was pregnant, and no we weren't getting married. They quickly got over the shock, love her to bits, and are very proud to have her as their granddaughter.

Try not to be so blinkered about all this. And good luck.

Any

Cinny91 wrote: »

Oh this is priceless. Honestly? A woman, infact the whole family, are at the end of their tether with how the son is behaving. Disrespectful to his parents, quite frankly sounds like he's going no where. His own Mother had to cover her bedroom door with heavy furniture to stop him getting in. But all this is perfectly fine because she considers the circumstance her Grandson was born into unfavorable?

If this thread was totally the same, bar the OP views on the life her Grandson was born into you'd all be offering the normal amazing advice instead of bullying her. I'm not saying I agree with her, but they're her views, back off a little. OP is having what sounds like a horrible time at home, she comes on here wanting a little support and advice and just gets abuse. If you were in her shoes, how would that make you feel?

For what it's worth, you honestly sound like you've tried all you can for your son. But from this I'm just gathering he isn't a very nice person, and there isn't much you can do when people by nature just aren't nice. I'd go with what your Husband said and make life a little tougher at home for him so it's his own choice to leave.

Honestly? I think ignoring the link of the mother's contempt for her son and son's choices and the son's behaviour is priceless. You don't need to have degree in psychology to see that.

She talks about "high morals", "good christians" and all that rubbish but only picks the verses from bible that suit herself...

Don't come on public forum if you want everyone to agree with you. If you are wrong or people believe you are they have the right to tell you. Posters are not nodding monkeys.

Any

BTW by saying that I do not agree with son's behaviour, not at all.
But if I don't agree with OP's behaviour either I also have a right to tell her.

Tish_P

The son's behaviour is terrible and he ought to move out. I've no hesitation in saying that.

Still, the OP might want to take the beam out of her own eye too, as some old hippie once said. He was rather outspoken about the type of person who postures about purity but doesn't act with love, if I remember aright.