Problem,me and my son

balletshoes

OP you've helped him time and again - it sounds like he's always had someone/or money, to get him out of a hole. Now its time for him to be responsible for him.

You don't have to do anything for him - why are you cooking for him, why are you driving him places? If he wants to eat, he can get something himself. If he has regular contact with his son, he either pays your for petrol or he gets the bus/train.

I'm with pigpen, give him a timeframe to get out, and stick with it. FWIW, I used to work in pubs too, and even if we closed up at 11pm, I would rarely go to bed before 1am at home, because you need to "wind down" first. But I wasn't disturbing anyone else, I lived on my own.

Annisele

What is he like when he hasn't been drinking?

I think the combination of: previously sacked for drinking; spent (at least some of) his inheritance on drink; and currently works in a pub is a worrying one. If you think the drinking is a problem, Al Anon might have some useful advice for you.

Molly41

Really feel for you as Im in an almost identical situation with my 20 year old son. He has been diagnosed by psychologist with ADD but it makes little or no difference as there is no help out there!

I dont know what to suggest. I have tried it all too and am at my wits end. Im having counselling, for other health issues, and this is now an outlet. I am trying to change how I react to him and change my attitude. Its not right that I have to do this - he should be living independently but I wont see my son out on the streets either (although I wont tolerate nastiness to his siblings). There is no help out there until they hit the gutter and I agree its no way to live.

January20

I feel for you but the truth is he behaves like this because you allow him too. I know I'm harsh telling you that but deep down he knows that you will do everything for him because you are scared of the consequences ie him sulking, being grumpy etc and he also knows you don't want to throw him out so he can do as he pleases!

Why do you cook for him when he misses meals? Isn't he able to warm up a tin of beans and toast some bread? Why do you drive him to see his son? Is there no public transport he could use? Why do you find him a job? Let him find his own job!

Until you take a tougher line you will not resolve the problem and you will not allow him to be a fully grown up man. Until he has lived on his own and taken responsibility for his own life he will always blame you like an immature teenager that he still is despite being 23.

What I'm saying is that I believe the best you can do for him (and it happens to be the best for you too) is show him the door.

zarazara

I think you are all right. His dad syas we arnt throwing him out ,he is going to leave of his own accord then he cant blame us,IYSWIM. today he is at work. their wont be a meal ready when he comes in tonight. Its all very difficult,I came from a loving home where my mum did everything for us until the day we got married,and even then did my sisiter and her husbands meals because sister worked full time. I need to learn to stick up for myself more . Whenever I try to do my own hobbies and things son sulks and gets resentful,apparently i can spend time and money on me and my DH but not him,which is flae, i do a lot for him, he seems jelous of everything and everyone. He does pay "keep" and seems to think this gives him the right to treat the place as a hotel and chauffeur facility. Even his brother if fed up with him,they share a bedroom and when brother was tidying and sorting son 1 just got our of bed and went for a walk instead of helping when his brother asked him too. son 2 was annoyed as he was trying to make the place nicer. So, i will just have to stick it out and hope he moves one day,his job doesnt pay much and he has no idea about doing any better for himself,he was ment to stay on at school for 6th form but the 6th form head told me that "we dont want boys like your son here at the school" and he had to leave. he went to college ,at 22 he was still at level 1 in yet another subject, blaming the syllabus and teachers because he didnt like the courses when they got up to level 2. hes been having driving lessons for 2 years and still hasnt taken a test,he just shouts and creates about it. he wont buy a bike either motor or pedal and blames us for everything thats wrong in his life when its all 100% his own making. we tell him he needs to do this or that and he just blows up at us. i am really fed up. I have run parentline and they say boys brains dont mature until they are 25,so theres another 3 years of it. how boys become doctors or dentists is beyond me knowing this. Ijust want him to leave and start his own life,working towards his own goals so he'll have some self respect and happiness. he says he respects no-one except his son and everythings everyones fault. Me and his dad are from respectable church going families and feel that him sleeping with his girl friend was totally wrong as was bringing a child into the world unmarried,my grandson is a b****rd. people dont like me saying this,its politically incorrect, but its true and its shameful for me to go down the village to the shops and things having people knowing what a disgrace my eldest don is to us. We have pointed this out to son 1 but its like water off a ducks back. he has another girlfrind now,maybe two,we havent met them,but they text him and he'll go out at 10pm or later and stay out til 2am or so. we feel its just wrong,but he points out that hes over 18. he did leave over xmas for 3 weeks but couldnt find anywhere to stay nor could afford to stay anywhere. theres already been a row again when i said the door would be locked at 11pm from now on.

RAS

zarazara

Your son has found a cop out that works; and he will use it time and time again because it works.

He will only change when you change the way you behave towards him.

Start charging both your sons full board; work out exactly what it cost to live in the house and charge them one quarter each. Then staying at home is a less attractive option.
Dinner is available at a set time; if you do not want it, say so in advance. If you want to come in later, say so in advance and heat it up for yourself.
Both sons shopuld be cooking at least once a week to give you a break.
I know you are a SAHM with your husband's blessing, but maybe it would be a good idea to get paid or unpaid work outside the family to raise your esteem, in the eyes of your sons, as much as yourself.

I do not think setting up rules for your elder son and expect him to behave well is realistic; you have to have the courage to let him fail. Only then will he pick himself up and start to make his way in life.

"I love you but your behaviour is unacceptable, so you must leave."

Svenena

Kicking him out doesn't mean he'll end up homeless. If he's on a low income, he could claim local housing allowance towards renting a room in a shared house. Maybe you could point this out, and help him find somewhere.

It sounds like he has an easy ride at the moment, with meals at all hours and also a taxi service, so why would he move out of his own accord? You need to impose your own rules for your own house, and if he's not happy with them, he can leave. Tell him what the rules are so that both you and he are clear, and then enforce them - strictly.

georgie262

Sorry to be blunt but if he is aware that you think of your grandson as a b*****d - (I realise the term only means that he is born to unmarried parents but has come to be derogatory) then I wouldn't blame him for not having much respect for you either.

katerinasol

What the hell? I agree that you're being bullied by your own son and need to stand up for yourself, but no-one CARES about children born out of wedlock anymore! That is just insulting.

RAS

Irrespective of what individual posters and no-one feels, it is apparent that zz is upset by the fact that her grandchild was born out of wedlock. And there are a good many villages where this would be the subject of public comment, nudges etc. The fact that the OP is ashamed makes this an even more fruitful activity for village tongue-waggers.

zz. Your GS is technically a !!!!!!!. He is however your GS. Do you ever get to see him properly? Does he visit you?