Problem,me and my son

Molly41

I have gone from sympathy in a previous post to absolute shock now at your attitude towards your poor grandson. Dont you realise that you can make a difference to your grandson's life and you might be the difference between him being really disadvantaged and thriving?

louise3965

Molly41 wrote: »

I have gone from sympathy in a previous post to absolute shock now at your attitude towards your poor grandson. Dont you realise that you can make a difference to your grandson's life and you might be the difference between him being really disadvantaged and thriving?

Yes and I'd imagine he will thrive more without his grandma's outdated and patronising views.

mountainofdebt

zarazara wrote: »

we had to move as when my husband lost his job the house went too,it was a tied cottage. we could have stayed in the area but,as a family,after much discussion,we decided that a move to an new area was in order, we looked upon it as an opportunity,not a disaster. We were all pleased and still are about where we now live,my husband has found employment and we manage financially ok. re grandsons birth status. I use the term b****rd to mean he was born out of wed lock. Not his fault,of course,in fact he seems a nice little boy. However, I wanted,like most mothers,the best for my sons,and still do,that means a decent life style,job and marriage. For example, both me and my husband have only ever slept with each other and wouldnt dream of infidelity,neither would either of us have even thought of sleeping around before marriage. Marriage is a sacred state in our oppinion. We are apalled at the way a lot of youngsters behave, drink,debt,sleeping around. We both feel our grandson is highly disadvantaged ,being born out of wedlock and now coming from a broken home. I suspected there would be problems when I learned early on that the childs mother is from a broken home herself. Like mother like daughter. I am only thankful my own dear parents are now dead and dont have this heartbreak to endure. I manage emotionally by pretending my grandson doesnt exist as I canot reconcile the awfulness of what his future life will be, his mother already has another boyfriend and is sleeping with him unmarried. it all goes from bad to worse. I am trying my best to get my son on the straight and narrow path which will lead to contentment and self esteam. So no,it wasnt the house move that caused a problem. Just an unrulely teenager living in an amoral society. Today there has been some progress, his friend collected him to go out instead of him asking me to take him and he opened a tin and cooked his own dinner after work,this i'm not keen on as its my job to cook and clean,but i suppose its ok.

OP

If it were not for your post count I would seriously think you were a troll but given your post count I'll have to discount that theory.

Given that, I must say that I am surprised that your son still lives at home given that he must be reminded at every opportunity what a failure he is and how he has brought shame on the whole family......in fact correct that I'm surprised that he wants anything to do with you.

I can't remember the exact phrase (me not being very religious) but I think that there is a quote in the Bible that says something along the lines of " let he who is without sin cast the first stone". Can you honestly say that? Where is the charity to your son, your grandson and his mother that the Bible promotes?

Yes I don't go to Church other than for weddings, funerals and christenings but at least I try to life my life in a Christain fashion. So who is the better Christain me or you?

I do have a question for you - what would you do if your vicar's daughter got pregnant out of wedlock? I'm only asking as I know of a vicar where this happended and do you know what? Yes he wasn't jumping for joy when he first heard but he was over the moon when his grandchild was born and has been the perfect granddad to that child - !!!!!! or not.

katerinasol

OP I understand your pain, however I am finding it difficult to sympathise with you due to the way you act towards your grandson. I understand that you may struggle to accept him because of your views, but Christianity teaches people to be patient and tolerant towards others, and sometimes that can mean accepting that not everyone's views are similar to yours. It's difficult to assess the situation accurately on a forum and from only your point of view, but I'm starting to think that your attitude towards his son is driving a bigger rift between you two than you let on, and I would personally be furious if my parents did not accept their grandson (theoretically, I don't have children). To be honest, it's these kind of attitudes that give religion a bad reputation, at least to me anyway. And sticking your head in the sand doesn't make the problem go away. No matter how much you try to ignore it, he has a son, and he will always have a son, no matter how much you hate it, and that's what making me think that you will probably never get on.

And also - marriage is not the only decent thing to do. What if he got married to his then girlfriend and she started cheating on him? Would you expect him to stay in the relationship because it's the 'proper' thing to do? I'm so disappointed that such narrow-minded people still exist that make life difficult for their children just because they're not living their lives by the book. I've tried to see it from your point of view, I really have but when you turned around and said what you did in your last post, I don't think I have it in me to accept the way you feel, just as you cannot accept the way your son lives his life. He needs to get out, even if he ends up in sheltered housing he will probably be better off.

mountainofdebt

The other thing that has just struck me, OP, is if your son married and had another child would you treat that child any differently ?

ash28

zarazara wrote: »

we had to move as when my husband lost his job the house went too,it was a tied cottage. we could have stayed in the area but,as a family,after much discussion,we decided that a move to an new area was in order, we looked upon it as an opportunity,not a disaster. We were all pleased and still are about where we now live,my husband has found employment and we manage financially ok. re grandsons birth status. I use the term b****rd to mean he was born out of wed lock. Not his fault,of course,in fact he seems a nice little boy. However, I wanted,like most mothers,the best for my sons,and still do,that means a decent life style,job and marriage. For example, both me and my husband have only ever slept with each other and wouldnt dream of infidelity,neither would either of us have even thought of sleeping around before marriage. Marriage is a sacred state in our oppinion. We are apalled at the way a lot of youngsters behave, drink,debt,sleeping around. We both feel our grandson is highly disadvantaged ,being born out of wedlock and now coming from a broken home. I suspected there would be problems when I learned early on that the childs mother is from a broken home herself. Like mother like daughter. I am only thankful my own dear parents are now dead and dont have this heartbreak to endure. I manage emotionally by pretending my grandson doesnt exist as I canot reconcile the awfulness of what his future life will be, his mother already has another boyfriend and is sleeping with him unmarried. it all goes from bad to worse. I am trying my best to get my son on the straight and narrow path which will lead to contentment and self esteam. So no,it wasnt the house move that caused a problem. Just an unrulely teenager living in an amoral society. Today there has been some progress, his friend collected him to go out instead of him asking me to take him and he opened a tin and cooked his own dinner after work,this i'm not keen on as its my job to cook and clean,but i suppose its ok.

35 years ago my sister had a baby and she wasn't married to his father - I can remember my mother sitting on the sofa saying (not to my sister) "My first grandchild and it's a !!!!!!!" - she was absolutely devastated - not because she was religious, she wasn't. However, once my sister and the baby were out of hospital they went to my parent's house so she could recover a bit. My mother took the baby from her and from that minute on he was the apple of her eye. He was always her favourite grandchild and she absolutely doted on him, as did my father. And the feeling was mutual - even as a teenager he used to go and stay with my parents every weekend - no one asked him to - he loved them as much as they loved him.

Our youngest daughter had a baby and wasn't married and didn't have a partner - my husband was devastated - he was ashamed and embarassed that one of his girls was having a baby and not married. But, like my own parents once the baby came home from hospital, he was smitten.

We are bringing him up - so he is really just like one of our own children and he is a lovely boy - he's 9 now and he's bright, intelligent, funny and a real pain, although the circumstances of his birth may not have been everything we might have wanted - and life would certainly have been a lot different without him, not better, just different, we wouldn't be without him. I'm not religious but if I was - I guess I'd feel blessed that we have him.

The fact that you are religious and feel the way you do I find surprising.

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. (Luke 6:37)

Mojisola

1 Corinthians 13
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

For the sake of your grandson, even if you can't do it for your son, start to behave like a Christian.

ajaney

As other posters have pointed out, there is much in the Bible which would 'allow' you to forgive your son & love your Grandson. I cannot believe a vicar would tell you to ignore the existance of your Grandson.

As much as you don't agree with the way he came into the world, this little boy had no say in the matter & you are judging him for this.

System

I am almost stunned into silence by this! I quote " I manage emotionally by pretending my grandson doesnt exist as I canot reconcile the awfulness of what his future life will be," Why do you assume that your grandson will have an awful life because he is illegitimate?! If he is loved, cared for, helped to grow and become a sensible,caring adult he has as much chance as anyone of 'succeeding' in his life ( and success is not just measured in how well he does in a job, or how well he conforms to your expectations) ...to do what HE is capable of, to be an independent individual. My son is illegitimate. he is also caring, kind to the old and the weak, self-motivated, aware of moral choices which he will have to make as we all do. AND he is happy.

Your son is NOT a child, you cannot make him fit the mould you wish him to. You can love him, you can encourage him, you can tell him that you don't like some of his choices...but that you will always love him, and his son. You set rules of the house that he follows ( he pays board and lodging, and agree between you just what that covers...cooking and cleaning etc ) and if he doesn't like that be prepared to let him go his own way...that may be hard for all concerned, but he cannot 'grow up' unless you let him, it may take a while for both of you.

I am not a New testament expert but I do believe Christ said "suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not.... etc " ?Anyone who rejects a child because his parents aren't married is not following Christ's teaching, simple as that!

nicter

" I canot reconcile the awfulness of what his future life will be,"
Your sons present and future is not wonderful either is it OP and he was bought up by married parents :eek: