Problem,me and my son

lolly_896

Dear oh Dear, sounds like your sons and grandson will be better off without you!!

Even if your son amounts to nothing in life, he will always be a Dad and is obviously trying to keep a relationship with his child !! You don't even seem worthy of such a gift as a grandchild!

I am beginning to wonder What religion are you?

January20

zarazara wrote: »

we had to move as when my husband lost his job the house went too,it was a tied cottage. we could have stayed in the area but,as a family,after much discussion,we decided that a move to an new area was in order, we looked upon it as an opportunity,not a disaster. We were all pleased and still are about where we now live,my husband has found employment and we manage financially ok. re grandsons birth status. I use the term b****rd to mean he was born out of wed lock. Not his fault,of course,in fact he seems a nice little boy. Perhaps you should make an effort to get to know him then since it's not his fault!

However, I wanted,like most mothers,the best for my sons,and still do,that means a decent life style,job and marriage. You mean you wanted your son to do what you wanted and to abide by your rules and your beliefs however he is a young man of the 21st century and probably feels pulled apart between your values and the real world

For example, both me and my husband have only ever slept with each other and wouldnt dream of infidelity,neither would either of us have even thought of sleeping around before marriage. Marriage is a sacred state in our oppinion. We are apalled at the way a lot of youngsters behave, drink,debt,sleeping around. most youngsters have got debt because they went to university to better themselves! You are generalising without really knowing much about the reality of a young person's life!

We both feel our grandson is highly disadvantaged ,being born out of wedlock and now coming from a broken home. I suspected there would be problems when I learned early on that the childs mother is from a broken home herself. Like mother like daughter. I just can't believe you have written this! I am divorced. Did I want to be divorced? Of course not! Does this mean my dd is disadvantaged? Of course not! I'm a mature, intelligent person and I've done my best for her: on my own! Should I be ashamed of that? Should she? Of course not! I am proud I raised my dd on my own.

I am only thankful my own dear parents are now dead and dont have this heartbreak to endure. I manage emotionally by pretending my grandson doesnt exist as I canot reconcile the awfulness of what his future life will be, his mother already has another boyfriend and is sleeping with him unmarried. it all goes from bad to worse. I am trying my best to get my son on the straight and narrow path which will lead to contentment and self esteam. So no,it wasnt the house move that caused a problem. Just an unrulely teenager living in an amoral society. Today there has been some progress, his friend collected him to go out instead of him asking me to take him and he opened a tin and cooked his own dinner after work,this i'm not keen on as its my job to cook and clean,but i suppose its ok.

I had a lot of sympathy for you but now I am deeply offended!

I cannot believe you can write what you did and not see a problem with it!

No wonder your son is the way he is. You probably watch and judge every aspect of his life. You probably disapproved of his girlfriend from the day that you found out she was from a "broken home". Didn't give a chance just like you are not giving your grandson a chance, but I bet if he puts a foot wrong you'll be the first one to point the finger.

I don't often talk about my beliefs but today I am proud to say I am an atheist because if being a religious - possibly Christian? - person is to be like you: judging, intolerant, unforgiving, then I want nothing to do with it!

Humphrey10

OP you should be so grateful that your son wants to live with you. I wouldn't want much contact with anyone who holds such offensive views, even if they were my parent!

mrs_deadline

OP now that you've poured that out here, I hope reading it over helps you make sense of what has gone wrong and find a way to build some bridges. Becoming a grandparent is something we don't all feel ready for, especially when the circumstances aren't ideal. I imagine that coming to terms with being a single father is even harder.

Assuming your son is even more desperate for answers than you are, he needs support while he works them out. If his family doesn't want to know, how must that feel? at his young age and with the weight of his new responsibilities?

Please try and put your disapproval aside, it is so destructive. Force yourself to be proud of your son every day for holding down a job and being the best dad he can. Say nice things to him about himself and mean them, if you want your happy home back.

cheepskate_2

Words fail me !!!!. If this is what is it to be a "good christian" then i think i will stick to being a non-beleiver. It must be great, to think anything you like and say you are right because you have morals as you are good christian.

No wonder the poor son has went off the rails , getting this sickness pushed down his throat at every opportunity

sueeve

From a Christian perspective
Just remember that your grandson is a human being created in the image of God, no more and no less affected by the manner of that creation. Jesus didn't say 'Suffer the little children to come to me, so long as they are born in wedlock'. Your very rigid beliefs are yours, and I do not negate them, but they are not your son's; do not make him a failure in your eyes because he does not subscribe to them. Be proud that he accepts the responsibility of being a Dad. He will probably be one for the next 50+ years, so the firmer foundations he builds upon the better.
I do think that you are being affected by the shame that may be inflicted upon you by your associates with a similar attitude to yourself. Ignore them; your son is more important and so is your grandson.

RAS

zz

I do not share your views on the situation regarding your grandson and your son's fathering of a child, and I certainly do not think his behaviour is acceptable but what has developed as a result of your very different ethics and life styles is now pretty toxic.

Do not accept poor behaviour on your son's part, but you need to defuse the situation. It maight be a good idea to spend some time talking to someone you trust in your church/religious place of worship.

The fact that you refuse to acknowledge his child is probably contributing to your son's poor behaviour; I think he is using your attitude to his son as a lever to punish you at the moment.

zarazara wrote: »

he was a gentle child and showed me a lot of affection and was good with his brother and people commented on how well they got on. He still gets on well with his brother but not with me or his dad. We dont have a lot in common,his intersts and hobbies are not ours and i dont understand where he is comming from.

I am not sure it is necessary to understand where someone is coming from. What is needed is acceptance that others can be different and that is OK.

zarazara wrote: »

He..spent his grans inheritance on plastic warhammer toys with "powers" boasted to a girl at college about the £10,00 he would inherit from his grandad,moved in with her ,had a baby and she kicked him out after spending the money on clothes and things for her family.

You do not seem to have much confidence in the mother of your grandson? And ultimately it was your son's decision to spend his inheritance unwisely, not hers.

zarazara wrote: »

.I manage emotionally by pretending my grandson doesnt exist as I canot reconcile the awfulness of what his future life will be, his mother already has another boyfriend and is sleeping with him unmarried.

zarazara wrote: »

He wont learn to drive and has us driving him to see his son or we and he cant see the child.

I suspect that your son knows, from your words or your action how porrly you view his son. So by refusing to drive, he is rubbing your noses in the situation, pressing your buttons all the time. Making your responsible for his maintaining contact he is forcing you to acknowledge the child you would rather did not exist.

zarazara wrote: »

. re grandsons birth status. I use the term b****rd to mean he was born out of wed lock. Not his fault,of course,in fact he seems a nice little boy. However, I wanted,like most mothers,the best for my sons,and still do,that means a decent life style,job and marriage.

And what does your son want? For himself? I find it ironic that one man I know has finally settled into something that his mother would be proud of, after getting into all sorts of scrapes, a decade after she died. I suspect that if she had piut less pressure on many years ago, he would have settled earlier.

zarazara wrote: »

.We both feel our grandson is highly disadvantaged ,being born out of wedlock and now coming from a broken home. I suspected there would be problems when I learned early on that the childs mother is from a broken home herself. Like mother like daughter.

zz, if you went into this situation viewing your son's GF like this from the start, then the normal rebellious teenage response would be to stick with a relationship that he might otherwise have left.

zarazara wrote: »

.For example, both me and my husband have only ever slept with each other and wouldnt dream of infidelity,neither would either of us have even thought of sleeping around before marriage. Marriage is a sacred state in our oppinion. We are apalled at the way a lot of youngsters behave, drink,debt,sleeping around.

zz, I would not dream of infidelity, but I am probably of a similar age to yourself and slept with people outside marriage. I never slept around however, I regard the activities of some young people hard to understand. I do however think that what matters is the respect that you show to the other person and yourself; it is still possibkle to demonstrate both and sleep with someone outside marriage.

zarazara wrote: »

I am trying my best to get my son on the straight and narrow path which will lead to contentment and self esteam. So no,it wasnt the house move that caused a problem. Just an unrulely teenager living in an amoral society.

Please read the serenity prayer and past it over the bed and over the kitchen sink etc. Your son does not wish to follow the straight and narrow path nor share your views on sex outside marriage. There is NOTHING you can do that will steer him onto the straight and narrow. What you might hope for is contentment and self-esteem, although his path to those may be different from yours. And it is not your son's fault that we live in an amoral society, he has to negoitiate his own set of morals.

PasturesNew

RacyRed wrote: »

Had your son worked hard to achieve something at his previous school/life? Did moving teach him that, no matter how dilligent you are and hard you work it is a waste of time because your dreams are torn away from you anyway? That might explain the drinking at 15.

I was 13 when I changed schools - and the only people available to be friends were the people nobody else wanted as their friend... and so it's easy to get hooked up with the wrong people just because everybody else is established.

I hooked up with the school wh0re, drinking wasn't something people really did back then, but if it'd been drinkers that were the ones "left over" to be friends with then I could easily have ended up being persuaded to try a bit. It's easier to hang out with the school wh0re and say "No thanks" to offers; harder for alcohol as I guess people are sitting round in a circle with a couple of bottles passing it round.

It's not easy joining a school where everybody else has had 2-3 years to establish their friendships. You just get left with the dregs.

Any

cheepskate wrote: »

Words fail me !!!!. If this is what is it to be a "good christian" then i think i will stick to being a non-beleiver. It must be great, to think anything you like and say you are right because you have morals as you are good christian.

No wonder the poor son has went off the rails , getting this sickness pushed down his throat at every opportunity

Harsh, but completely agree. Even with the tone.
I felt for the OP when I read the thread yesterday, now I can see how she brought it all on herself, with this attitude and the way she looks at her son.

Tish_P

I'll chip in a tenner for your son's deposit on a place of his own, OP. Out of the goodness of my atheist heart. It's thanks to attitudes like yours that I'm not a Christian any more myself.

I find myself hoping that your younger son becomes rich, happy and successful and has a strong, lifelong, faithful marriage to a lovely man.