Problem,me and my son

zarazara

This is the first time i've posted on this board but I am at my wits end. I am married and have 2 sons,age 21 and 23. The elder son and me find it hard to get on. I dont know why,he was a gentle child and showed me a lot of affection and was good with his brother and people commented on how well they got on. He still gets on well with his brother but not with me or his dad. We dont have a lot in common,his intersts and hobbies are not ours and i dont understand where he is comming from. i have tried to take an interest and am polite about it and ask him how such a things going along and thats polite and ok,its just everything else,it always ends in rows. basically me and his dad find him self centred and anti us. he comes in at 2am in the morning often,sleeps in til late. he works in a pub and his hours vary ,he often finishes at midnight,or so he says and he isnt here for meals often ,i run a kitchen that never seems to close,his dad works shifts and its all very tiring,i seem to be forever cooking. son 1 started drinking as a teenager and ,its a very long story but in essence since being 15 he has lost a job we got him in a supermarket for being drunk,spent his grans inheritance on plastic warhammer toys with "powers" boasted to a girl at college about the £10,00 he would inherit from his grandad,moved in with her ,had a baby and she kicked him out after spending the money on clothes and things for her family. Hetreats mr and his dad awfully and i'm often in tears,we took him back home,twice,and sorted him out,bought him stuff for his flat. he wont learn to drive and has us driving him to see his son or we and he cant see the child. my younger son is quite normal ,behaves respectably and is furthering his carreer by studying for exams. I am sick and tired of being used and trated as dirt,there has been row after row after row and all i want is my little boy back. he blames me and his dad for all his troubles,its our fault he drinks and wouldnt do his homework and things. all because we had to move house when he was 14 because his dad lost his job. he never helps out witrh anything and if i point out that hias brother can manage to then he just blows up. I've had enough i want him to leave home but he earns minimum wage and will be here when hes 40 i am sure.. its horrendous. i am typing this in my bedroom having put a set of draws across the door incase he comes in and starts shouting. he knows no boundries,his teachers had problems with him in school,right from the infant classs when he wouldnt sit on a chair. i am so upset and miserable. his dad works hard and his brother and i am a stay at home housewife,with my husbands blessing. my son just resents and hates me.

PinkLipgloss

Sorry to hear about your predicament.

I think you really need to "lay down the law" with your son - he is a grown adult and there is no excuse for his behaviour. Tell him in no uncertain terms that unless X, Y and Z changes then he will be out - and follow through on this if necessary.

He is clearly making your life a misery and it is not acceptable.

Errata

Get his dad to tell himn to shape up or ship out.

zarazara

Thanyou pinklipgloss, I wish I could,thats how he came to leave home in the first place,he was blind drunk at college,skipping lessons and going drinking with others in the local pub and buying at the off-licences. they were all underage. i guess he thought he was being "big" . we got him a job in a supermarket,shelf stacking after college,so he'd have money and could buy a car eventually,but all he did was drink more. then he spent all his inheritances on drink and living with his girlfriend. he thought he was so big and cleaver getting her pregnant. the only good thing is he insists on contact with his son. but the child lives 30 miles away and its costing a fortune in petrol. the shouting and sulking is horrendous if we dont take him to visit. my other son is well mannered and thoughtful. i am fed up with DS1 abusing us. its easy to say chuxk himout but we did that and he ended up on adoorway,thers no where for single men. lifes a nightmare.

PinkLipgloss

It may sound harsh but him not having elsewhere to go is not your problem. If you clearly tell him what is/is not acceptable and he CHOSES not to abide by this then - on his head be it.

He is not a child - or even a teenager. I think this is really a case of "tough love" required.

Treating your home like some sort of hotel is not going to get him anywhere in life. Perhaps if he ends up on the streets (which would be through his own doing) it may cause him to re-evaluate his life.

Js_Other_Half

I wonder if anyone has ever considered he might have ADHD? http://www.helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_adult_symptoms.htm

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder/Pages/Symptoms.aspx

meritaten

hun - calm down. you have done all you can to help this child. but he is NOT a child anymore. he is an adult. if he wants to live in your home he must respect it and you. otherwise he lives elsewhere. It sounds awful but you MUST make him leave. he cannot terrorise you this way!
tbh it sounds to me as if he has a mental disorder. you cannot live the way you do. afraid in your own home. and you say it because of moving house when he was fourteen? most fourteen year old adjust! its not down to you! if he comes home swearing and threatening you then call the police...........I know you wont want to, but, he really needs to know that the authorties are aware.

Errata

its easy to say chuxk himout but we did that and he ended up on adoorway,thers no where for single men. lifes a nightmare.

His choice, he could have gone to a homeless hostel.
If his dad won't make him behave, then I suggest you talk to someone at your local domestic violence unit because your son will continue to abuse you all until someone, or something, makes him stop.

Caroline_a

You do sound at your wits end, but what I'm hearing is an adult man bullying his parents. Tell him that you are no longer able to take him to see his son, and if he wants to be a proper father to him then he needs to shape up. If he doesnt like that, show him the door - it's your house, your lives and he has no right to make you so unhappy. You have done your best bringing him up, and now he will have to stand on his own two feet.

Just as an aside, do you take any money for board from him?

pigpen

whose fault was it he was in a doorway? HIS OWN

Give him a time limit to move out and stick to it. It takes about 6 weeks to find a flat and move in.. so giving him until mid-end May is more than generous.. He is 23 not 10... stop blaming yourself and being his skivvy..

I know its is too late now.. but when the local off license sold alcohol to my underage son we reported them to the police and trading standards..

He cannot blame anyone but himself for his own choices.. and if he tries say 'yes I FORCED the alcohol down your throat/refused to let you do homework for college' etc..

There is plenty of accomodation for young single people if he were to get off his lazy derriere and look and had income

System

It sounds as though he needs help with his problem drinking? Has he ever seen anyone about it?

On another note you can't let his behaviour rule your life anymore, he needs to start taking responsibility for himself or leave. You've done the best you can but at 23 he should be looking after himself.