Problem,me and my son

katerinasol

Actually, thinking about this reminded me of something similar going on in my life. When I was a child, my parents and I moved a long way away from the family home (to another country, in fact) and now I only see my grandmother (my mum's mum) once a year. We were a very tight-knit family but not because we got on well, because it was the way things were.

My grandmother is very old-fashioned and authoritative and we inevitably clash whenever we see each other. I know she has my best interests at heart, but despite that, most of her opinions, from what girls my age should wear to how I should act around men (and I would hope I know that by now, seeing as I'm getting married in a few months!), really annoy me. I feel really guilty about snapping at her and really dislike myself for being so impatient, but when I'm around her, she just really annoys me.

The reason I've mentioned this is because you have mentioned 'church-going' and seeing your grandson as a b*****d, which to me kind of implies that your moral code of conduct is linked to your religion, which is becoming an outdated concept in itself. It could be that your son has the same problem I do with my grandmother - he finds your opinions outdated and insulting. Another thing it could be - he rebelled to get as far away from your lifestyle as possible and is now angry with himself for realising it didn't actually turn out to be as fun as he thought, plus he now has to rely on you to give him lifts to see his son etc. It sounds cliched to scream, 'they just don't understand', but my own mother and grandmother are a perfect example of parents and grandparents not understanding each other - and my mother is in her fifties!

I'm afraid I can't really offer you any advice, apart from the fact that in my experience, limiting contact with my grandmother and finding the patience to just smile and nod worked best for me, but unfortunately that's not something that's up to you to do; that's up to your son. And until he learns to stand on his own two feet, he's going to be stuck at his parents' house resenting the world. Even if he does end up in a shelter, it's up to him to make something out of himself. You can't force him - it's a kick up the backside some people just need to realise there isn't always going to be a safety net.

zarazara

Thankyou Katerinasol and RAS i dont know what else to add, i just feel my life is in pieces,the way i am dealing with it is to ignore grandchild,pretend everythings ok and hope and pray that son will pull himself together.
someone posted that my views and religiona re outdated. that maybe so for many people,but not to me, they are the precepts of how i live my life. i understand that my son has other ideas. thats ok,but he shouldnt deliberately hurt me and his dad, he can be different to us without being horrid to us at the same time. SO, thanks for all who have taken the time to read and comment. I'll just keep my head down for now and hope for the best. Take care everyone. xx

Sambucus_Nigra

zarazara wrote: »

Thankyou Katerinasol and RAS i dont know what else to add, i just feel my life is in pieces,the way i am dealing with it is to ignore grandchild,pretend everythings ok and hope and pray that son will pull himself together.
someone posted that my views and religiona re outdated. that maybe so for many people,but not to me, they are the precepts of how i live my life. i understand that my son has other ideas. thats ok,but he shouldnt deliberately hurt me and his dad, he can be different to us without being horrid to us at the same time. SO, thanks for all who have taken the time to read and comment. I'll just keep my head down for now and hope for the best. Take care everyone. xx

How Christian of you.

Sorry - I meant to say

How VERY Christian of you.

Teddy_KGB

zarazara wrote: »

Thankyou Katerinasol and RAS i dont know what else to add, i just feel my life is in pieces,the way i am dealing with it is to ignore grandchild,pretend everythings ok and hope and pray that son will pull himself together.
someone posted that my views and religiona re outdated. that maybe so for many people,but not to me, they are the precepts of how i live my life. i understand that my son has other ideas. thats ok,but he shouldnt deliberately hurt me and his dad, he can be different to us without being horrid to us at the same time. SO, thanks for all who have taken the time to read and comment. I'll just keep my head down for now and hope for the best. Take care everyone. xx

So you have no contact with your Grandchild because he is a 'Bas***d'? Please tell me I have interpreted your post wrongly!

carefullycautious

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

How Christian of you.

She lost me sympathy when she labelled her grandson a *******

I agree that you should give your son a wake up call but to not even allow yourself a relationship with this innocent child is outrageous.

Also It answers questions as to why your son drinks

pinksleepybear

zarazara wrote: »

someone posted that my views and religiona re outdated. that maybe so for many people,but not to me, they are the precepts of how i live my life.

So what does your priest advise you to do?

RacyRed

zarazara wrote: »

.... son 1 started drinking as a teenager and ,its a very long story but in essence since being 15

... he blames me and his dad for all his troubles,its our fault he drinks and wouldnt do his homework and things. all because we had to move house when he was 14 because his dad lost his job. .

He obviously didn't want to move at 14? Was he very happy at his school and with his friends? At 14 he would just have settled after the transition from junior to senior school. Your younger son is young enough to have been in a period of upheaval anyway, so the effect of moving would have been less for him.

Had your son worked hard to achieve something at his previous school/life? Did moving teach him that, no matter how dilligent you are and hard you work it is a waste of time because your dreams are torn away from you anyway? That might explain the drinking at 15.

Does he resent you because you chose to move away from the life he loved to preserve your own ideals (being a SAHM) and sacrificed his dreams instead?

I'd suggest getting him to the doctors and into some kind of therapy to find out why he is so disturbed.

You might also re-evaluate your opinion that it is acceptable to call your grandchild a !!!!!!! and pretend he doesn't exist, which I find a very unchristian approach to take to an innocent child.

Sorry to sound so unsympathetic, but you are reaping what you have sown.

Rikki

carefullycautious wrote: »

She lost me sympathy when she labelled her grandson a *******

I agree that you should give your son a wake up call but to not even allow yourself a relationship with this innocent child is outrageous.

Also It answers questions as to why your son drinks

I don't see why?

In the dictionary B******d is a person born of unmarried parents, an illegitimate child.

I feel the same about children born out of wedlock. Some of us do hold old fashioned values. Not a word we use verbally that way any more but it still describes a person born out of wedlock

euronorris

zarazara wrote: »

Thankyou Katerinasol and RAS i dont know what else to add, i just feel my life is in pieces,the way i am dealing with it is to ignore grandchild,pretend everythings ok and hope and pray that son will pull himself together.
someone posted that my views and religiona re outdated. that maybe so for many people,but not to me, they are the precepts of how i live my life. i understand that my son has other ideas. thats ok,but he shouldnt deliberately hurt me and his dad, he can be different to us without being horrid to us at the same time. SO, thanks for all who have taken the time to read and comment. I'll just keep my head down for now and hope for the best. Take care everyone. xx

Have you considered how hurtful ignoring your grandchild is for your son? And how he may perceive that as deliberate? As a punishment for committing such a sin?

And if he does feel that way, it is unrealistic to expect that he would be nice in return. It would also explain a lot of the anger he displays towards you both. Have you talked about this with him? And asked him how he feels about it?

somethingsgottogive

Sorry, are there seriously people who feel like children born out of wedlock should be ignored and denied and are somehow less important than any other child? Sure, have your archaic, divisive beliefs and what not, but blame and chastise the PARENTS not the child!

OP, loads of people have said that you should just tell him to get out, he's an adult, but you've just responded by telling us that you can't, and that you'll have to live with this behaviour until his brain matures.. what?! Get him out! Get him out! Get him out! He will not be homeless, he has friends, a girlfriend and an income. He can sofa surf until he finds a shared house/student house/council flat etc - do you really expect him to suddenly make a decision to be a grown up, move out and sort himself out? Why the heck would he when you'd rather barricade yourself inside of your room, stick your fingers in your ears and pretend everything's fine than tell him to man up?