My 11 year old keeps stealing from the family and I've tried everything??

pigpen

I have a 10 year old girl who is exactly the same, actually probably worse... and you have my utmost sympathy (though in a way I am glad someone else knows how I feel)

We have tried everything.. I do not buy sweets or biscuits or crisps and haven't for years. She once stole her sisters birthday cake.. a huge 18 serving chocolate thing from tesco and ate THE LOT.. she was 3!!!!!! It is horrific.. it isn't just sweet things either.. she'll take yohurts, cereal bars, jars of jam/lemon curd, baking ingredients, boxes of breakfast cereal.. purely so noone else can have any.. these are things we have in the house ALL the time so it isn't like these are treats and forbidden fruits. And it isn't just food.. there are DS games, and the consoles given the chance, drawing/writing paper, items of clothing, she took DD2's bra one time (though I think that was more curiosity as she had started growing boobs).. but then she denies it. I'm not even going to mention the collection of 'dead mice' she accrued!

We have taken her to the police station and they have shown her the cells and told her what happens to people who steal, we have removed consoles, day trips, given the others treats and left her out because she had already stolen her share. She has had assessments with counsellors and psychiatrists and CAMHS and they reckon there is nothing they can help with.. We tried punishments/rewards, star charts everything we could think of and had suggested and it made no difference at all.. but sometimes as awful as it sounds I actually want to beat the living daylights out of her.. obviously I haven't, but it frustrates me to the point that I honestly cannot bear to have her near me.. I have sat her down and said this is what your behaviour makes me feel like, and the other children hate her for it.. and she sits there blankly looking at us with a sullen face and doesn't care one jot. They can't have anything because she takes it.

One time she went hysterical because she had put half an easter egg in the fridge to save for later and when she went back it had gone.. she had eaten it herself.. she was seen.. yet still denied it..

I look forward to the day she leaves home and I can have a biscuit barrel and a crisp cupboard and mini rolls in the fridge!

Her siblings resent her hugely for the way she behaves and I don't think she has a particularly positive relationship with anyone.

One of my sisters used to steal too.. which I mainly, but my brother and other sister did too but mostly me, always got the blame for because my dad is a !!!!!! and so I know what it is like to be the sibling too.. and we used to do horrible things to her as 'revenge' and so she got in trouble because we had been told off for things she had done.. it doesn't make for a happy household it really doesn't..

minerva_windsong

stressedoutmum wrote: »

he's not an unhappy little boy. He has lots of friends, is always smiling and laughing, the teachers and staff all think he's a little cutie. Givin him money or an allowance doesn't make any difference and he's not worried about anything - we've racked our brains thinking and trying everything.

Just because he has lots of friends and is smiling doesn't mean he's not unhappy. I didn't have the best time of it when I was about that age and I still smiled and told people I was fine and hung out with my friends at breaktimes, even though on the inside I was constantly beating myself up about things. Even at that age it's easy to pretend everything's all right for whatever reason even if you're not entirely sure why you're doing it.

thatgirlsam

Oh dear I doubt it is anything to do with the food actually

Maybe he got some sort of buzz from the whole stealing thing

I knew someone who was a kleptomaniac (is that the word?)

Seriously, she had to have counselling - it is a disorder .. she didn't know why she was doing it but she was compelled to steal things , she even knicked a pair of my jeans once!

Mojisola

pigpen wrote: »

I have a 10 year old girl who is exactly the same, actually probably worse... and you have my utmost sympathy (though in a way I am glad someone else knows how I feel)

Really sorry to hear your story, pigpen. The frustration and helplessness must be awful.

Sid_Wolf

when i was that age i'd have had a hard slap on the !!!! and been grounded with no tv, no consoles, no computer and no phone for a month.

never did me any harm lol

pigpen

Sid_Wolf wrote: »

when i was that age i'd have had a hard slap on the !!!! and been grounded with no tv, no consoles, no computer and no phone for a month.

never did me any harm lol

How many times do you slap them before deciding it isn't working?

A slap isn't always the cure.

euronorris

stressedoutmum wrote: »

he's not an unhappy little boy. He has lots of friends, is always smiling and laughing, the teachers and staff all think he's a little cutie. Givin him money or an allowance doesn't make any difference and he's not worried about anything - we've racked our brains thinking and trying everything.

Some people are very good at hiding how unhappy/upset they are and putting on a show for everyone else. I do it, I've always done it, and am only now starting to address it.

I'm not saying that he is unhappy, I'm just saying that you shouldn't dismiss the possibility because he seems happy to you.

I think it would be worth him seeing a psychologist either way. If he's stealing is a result of unhappiness, it can be addressed. If it's just an attitude adjustment that's required, it can also be addressed. You could even go as a family to discover how best to support him. It will also give you a chance to offload all of your feelings about it too.

xx

peachyprice

stressedoutmum wrote: »

He did get pocket money but we stopped it because he blew it all on sweets. We asked him to save half and spend half but found out the money he should have saved he spent on sweets and he still stole when he had money which is why we stopped it. This hasn't just started because he doesn't get money. His money stopped because he done it whilst also getting money so his money was stopped to pay for things. He is actually a very happy little boy, very helpful, sociable and everyone loves him. When you ask him whey he does silly things he says its because he's greedy and he wants it and doesn't like being told no. When we explain he loses out because of it he says he knows and thinks about it afterwards.

But it was his pocket money, if he wanted to blow it all on sweets that was his perogative. You can't give him an amount then tell him he can only spend half on what you want him to spend it on. He's 11, just starting to need some financial independence and you're dicating to him what he can do with it.

IMO you should have stuck with the pocket money and let him learn the hard way that if he blew it all on sweets in one day there would be nothing left for the rest of the week, slowly he would have learned the lesson. At the moment he's better off not getting pocket money and having free access to limitless sweets, there's nothing to be learnt there.

Errata

rachbc wrote: »

In all of this the 2 hour tantrums are the thing bothering me - this is not 'normal' behaviour for an 11 year old no matter how tired they are - I am inclined to agree with posters who suggest there is something deeper going on here and maybe you need to get some more help.

A two hour tantrum is quite spectacular behaviour. Tantrums occur when there's an audience to observe them, neither children nor adults have tantrums of any significance when they are alone.
Adult tantrums usually occur when the adult is unable to express and communicate their feelings any other way. This also applies to children, who need help and support to enable them to feel secure and confident enough to calmly articulate what their problem is.

duchy

I think you need help with this.
At 11 he certainly should be getting pocket money BUT it should be his to choose what he does with it. It is hard as they get older to learn to "let go" a bit and let them make their mistakes -perhaps that is what your husband is getting at -and that you can't control everything . It did cross my mind that if you do control everything this is a form of (possibly unconcious) rebellion ?

You don't mention your GP but I would be talking to them or the school about a referral to CAHMS and other support locally. This isn't normal -BUT you need to rule out physical reasons for his hunger too so perhaps the GP would be the best first stop .