My 11 year old keeps stealing from the family and I've tried everything??

faithcecilia

Bit of a sideways suggestion, but if it is only ever sweets/food and money that he is taking, has it crossed you mind that he may have or be on the brink of an eating disorder? I have watched too many friends suffer, and stealing and hiding food is quite common. I'm not trying to worry you, but I agree with others who have suggested trying to get him seen by a psychologist.

onetomany

is he hungry? i no my boys are always hungry so what i do after tea they can eat when they want up until bedtime aslong as its fruit or carrots, it seams to work the first couple of nights they scoffed loads but now the noverty as worn of they just tend to grap 1 or 2 at night

Nenen

I agree totally with faithcecilia - this really sounds like it could be a manifestation of an eating disorder and, if so, he will not be able to control it no matter how much you punish him, any more than anorexics could make themselves eat if you punished them or sent police round. The B-eat website has lots of great info and the following passage seemed appropriate to what you have said about your son appearing happy and charming but feeling he is greedy and unable to stop himself taking food:

" Compulsive Overeating is a variation on binge eating when you will eat at times when you are not hungry. This may happen all the time, or it may come and go in cycles. Most people who are compulsive eaters are overweight, and may use their weight or appearance as a shield they can hide behind to avoid social interaction, others hide behind a happy or jolly façade to avoid confronting their problems. Sufferers often have great shame at being unable to control the compulsion to eat. Compulsive overeating is a serious condition and needs professional support to ensure long term recovery."
http://www.b-eat.co.uk/AboutEatingDisorders/WhatisanEatingdisorder/Othereatingdisorders

IMHO it would be a good idea to contact the B-eat helpline and talk to someone there.
I wish you and your son the very best of luck.

minimoneysaver

One thing I've noticed in this post is the OP posted to ask for advice. Everyone is giving their ideas (some really great ones) and everytime someone says something the OP comes back and justifies their actions. Either you want advice or you don't.
The point about giving children pocket money, gives them the freedom to make their own choices, but OP tried to control that too by saying how it must be spent and saved. How is the child going to learn that way? Surely the time will come that the other children want to do something fun, for example go to the cinema and they have the pocket money ready to pay. That is the time that the child learns a valuable lesson... all the money has gone on sweets and there is no money left to do the things that he really wants to do. Stop trying to control every action of your children, they are not puppets on string. That is not parenting. Parenting is helping your children to learn to control their behaviour, make good choices and be the best that they can be.

gingin_2

stressedoutmum wrote: »

He's been getting a lot of detentions at school lately as well for being cheeky etc.

He has lots of friends, is always smiling and laughing, the teachers and staff all think he's a little cutie.

It doesn't tally.

I would go back to the pocket money and give him absolutely no "extra's" on top of it. If he wants to spend it all on sweets then there will be nothing left for the rest of the week/ month ( we have just switched my 11 year old's pocket money to monthly to help him manage it better). He has to learn how to manage money, it's part of life.

Get rid of ALL the unhealthy snacks in the house and have a free for all fruit bowl and maybe a few healthy snacks in the fridge, get him involved in making them. Make sure he gets 3 good meals a day.

Get the other kids and yourself a lock box to keep their own money in, then he can't get to it. You can get little security boxes with keys for under a tenner from Argos.

Use the Xbox as a reward tool. 1 hour a day, if he breaks the rules at home, or gets a detention, you take the plug away, until the next day. Treat every day as a new day and give him a chance to redeem himself.

Give him lots of your time, love and attention and get OH on board, too.

mrs_marty

Could he be attention seeking? If he is acting up then to discipline him is giving him one on one attention. This may be what he is actually craving. Also I would stop sweets as a punishment. Re introduce them but give him his bag of treats explaining that it is his and to last him a week once they are gone then that's it. And stick by it have a bowl of fruit sitting and direct him to that once he has eaten all his sweets then he may learn to ease up on them whilst eating a healthy alternative.

the_cat

stressedoutmum wrote: »

I agreed with the school that we would get the local community police officers to have a word with him, that they would call at his class, take him to the head teacher's office to scare him. Sorry to be blunt, but this sounds a little like buck passing to me

He told me he wasn't scared as I told him I would call the police and he's still doing it. He is never going to take you seriously if you make daft threats in the heat of the moment that you are not prepared to carry out

Why is he doing this because he gets plenty sweets and snacks. When I asked before he said its because he's greedy and he wants them. Have you considered that these foods are highly addictive? If 'plenty' is not enough, maybe he is becoming dependant on them


. I also wrote about the stealing in his homework diary to his teacher to hopefully embarass him from stealing but that's not helped. He knows exactly what he's doing but doesn't seem to care.
Because yet another person explaining he is wrong makes no difference

If he wants something he takes it with permission or not. Because whatever the consequence you impose, he does not consider it enough of a deterrant from doing it again

He stills has really bad temper tantrums which can go on for almost 2 hours at a time but these are usually when he is tired.
Maybe it is not tiredness but spiking/crashing sugar levels from the unsuitable foods. Although I agree with the others saying that this is something that should not be happening in an 11 year old. Have you discussed this behaviour with his GP?

He is not treated any differently from his brother I am not advocating favouritism in any way but if he is behaving differently to his brother he should not have the same priviliges until he can behave in the same way

although he does get into more trouble as he is always up to something but his brother is penalised when he does something wrong and both boys get plenty of attention so its not that either

I'm sorry but you are not being honest with yourself here. He cannot be as you described above AND 'a little cutie' who keeps getting detention

rachbc

In all of this the 2 hour tantrums are the thing bothering me - this is not 'normal' behaviour for an 11 year old no matter how tired they are - I am inclined to agree with posters who suggest there is something deeper going on here and maybe you need to get some more help.

Imp

It reminds me of me a couple of years older than him - always hungry. I doubt it is an eating disorder, just a healthy young lad.

I'd make sure there was something filling always available to him - toast with jam, or porridge, and give him free range with that (and only that) when he is home. Send him into school with home made, big oaty cookies (they are very quick and simple to make, and cheep, but filling). Do you make sure he has breakfast? Make it something filling and slow energy release.

He's 11. Make sure he has exercise each day by walking or cycling to school.

If there is something he can't have, don't have it in the house. Rules, like locks, keep an honest person honest. If he already has it in his nature to take what he is not allowed to take, he will continue to do it, so take the opportunity away from him.

Finally and probably the hardest, punish effectively, every time he steals. Remember the punishment has to reduce the stealing. If it doesn't, it is not effective and the only benefit is to yourself and the feeling that you are doing "something, anything". Try and work out a punishment before the event, implement it say half a dozen times, note down what happens before, during and after the punishment (both with him, and with you and your emmotions). If it isn't improving his behaviour, then move on and try something else.

Good luck.

belfastgirl23

The other question is whether he might have some kind of medical condition. I do recall a friend at work being a person who hoovered up sweets a lot - in the end he was diagnosed as diabetic and I think had been using sugar to balance out the tiredness he was feeling. It wouldn't do any harm to get him checked out just in case.

BTW I don't have a lot of experience with children myself but him saying he's greedy sounds like he's repeating something someone else has said - in my (admittedly limited) experience it's not really a concept kids have?? Not sure if people who are parents or who have more experience of kids than me agree though...