My 11 year old keeps stealing from the family and I've tried everything??

stressedoutmum

It started with silly things like sweets, biscuits etc when your back was turned or he'd put a handful in his pack up. I tidied his room and found all sorts of sweet wrappers stuffed there. The sweets/snacks are usually kept in a tub in the kitchen and the kids have at least one thing from it every day however as soon as no one is looking ie when he is going upstairs or out the house he always steals the things. He also took money from his brother and used it to buy himself and his friend sweets. All my loose change from my purse was missing the other day but he insists he didn't take it. There have been small amounts of money going missing. One time he took his brothers birthday money to school and told the teacher it was his and to look after it for him. When school phoned (as it was around £20) I was mortified. I agreed with the school that we would get the local community police officers to have a word with him, that they would call at his class, take him to the head teacher's office to scare him. However it didnt do a thing. I asked him how his day at school was as I normally do and he never mentioned it, eventually through prompting he did. He told me he wasn't scared as I told him I would call the police and he's still doing it. Today he's had a second hand xbox which he's been pleading for for ages. I told him that he needs to act responsible and stop what he is doing and the first sign then it will be off him. He promised me he would act sensibly and stop doing silly things like stealing. Tonight he asked me if he could have a packet of crisps, I said no because it was bedtime and he had brushed his teeth, then he asked for sweets, again I said no. On his way to bed he sneaked into the kitchen and grabbed a handful of sweets and was scoffing them when he bumped into his dad who was coming downstairs and was aware of the earlier conversation. I have now put all snacks in a bag and will lock them in the boot of my car but thats not fair on everyone else and doesn't seem to learn him a lesson. Why is he doing this because he gets plenty sweets and snacks. When I asked before he said its because he's greedy and he wants them. I'm at a loss as to what to do now?? He's been getting a lot of detentions at school lately as well for being cheeky etc. I also wrote about the stealing in his homework diary to his teacher to hopefully embarass him from stealing but that's not helped. He knows exactly what he's doing but doesn't seem to care . If he wants something he takes it with permission or not. He stills has really bad temper tantrums which can go on for almost 2 hours at a time but these are usually when he is tired. He is not treated any differently from his brother although he does get into more trouble as he is always up to something but his brother is penalised when he does something wrong and both boys get plenty of attention so its not that either

whitewing

Possibly you are so concerned about his behaviour (and the impact it may have for his long term future) that you are clamping down hard on every little thing that he does wrong, and almost piling punishment on top of punishment.

I do this with my son sometimes so I do sympathise.

Maybe some kinds of positive reward system would help. You will still need to let him know that bad behaviour will have consequences but the reward for good behaviour itslef should not be affected by bad behaviour.

Also don't guilt trip him about how his bad behaviour affects his brother. Or he'll just give up trying.

rachbc

well obv the first thing to do is that the xbox away - and explain why to him.

I would just take the sweets and snacks away too - kids don't need that sort of stuff everyday anyway. It might not be fair on the others but it'll be better for them all in the long run.

Positive rewards too - (non food) treats for good comments in homework diary etc.

Errata

Why should he stop? You've set the police on him, you're informing his teacher via his homework book about his stealing. He needs to learn that actions have consequences and so far the above consequences haven't meant zip to him. You need to think of something else. Stop buying sweets full stop, nobody will die, claw back the stolen money by stopping his pocket money.

bluenoseam

Do you have a friend who he doesn't know who could possibly come to the door as "the fuzz" to shock him into submission, now i know it's against the law to impersonate a police officer, but i know at 11 if a suit came up looking for me & started going like i was about to be taken away i'd be petrified! It's not nice, but ultimately you've seen that the softly softly trick doesn't work & if it's not snapped out quickly it could turn serious.

Things like this didn't happen when i was that age mind, if i'd done that i'd have had my backside skelped and wouldn't have been able to sit for a week!

Mojisola

"Today he's had a second hand xbox which he's been pleading for for ages. I told him that he needs to act responsible and stop what he is doing and the first sign then it will be off him. He promised me he would act sensibly and stop doing silly things like stealing. Tonight he asked me if he could have a packet of crisps, I said no because it was bedtime and he had brushed his teeth, then he asked for sweets, again I said no. On his way to bed he sneaked into the kitchen and grabbed a handful of sweets and was scoffing them when he bumped into his dad who was coming downstairs and was aware of the earlier conversation."

So have you taken the xbox of him?

Sambucus_Nigra

You've rewarded his stealing by getting him an xbox.

Stop buying sweets and crisps in the first place and then he can't steal them.

Don't put them in a bag in the boot of the car; ceremoniously destroy them and make it clear that none are being bought again as the system has been abused.

Keep all money firmly locked away.

He needs privileges removed and he earns them back by behaving. Sell the xbox on ebay to pay for the money he has stolen.

stressedoutmum

Yes the x box is off him. I bought it because his behaviour had improved and he worked towards getting it . He doesn't get pocket money as we buy what he needs. I have put the sweets away but don't feel that I should have to 'hide' things from him. I have had the police speak to him but it didn't bother him. I talked to him patiently, praised his good behaviour and done everything everyone has suggested. When I give him a punishment I stick to it and he knows that. When he had his old playstation taken from him for 3 weeks he never had it. I've had him sitting downstairs in the evening before as he can't be trusted upstairs - he done that for a week and was bored stiff but still he carries on letting himself down. My husband says I'm too tough on him and kids will be kids

Mojisola

If you take the sweets away, it's likely that other stuff will be taken instead - money to get sweets or possessions that he can swop for sweets.

Have you asked the school if he could be seen by the School Psychologist? If they can't arrange it, see your GP. There's something deep going on here and it needs sorting out.

Errata

it . He doesn't get pocket money as we buy what he needs

Well clearly you don't. A boy of his age should be given pocket money so he learns how to handle money, budget and save for things.
Having said that, I agree with Mojisola. He sounds a very unhappy little boy.

Star1

Have you thought that he might be stealing things because he doesn't have any control about how to obtain them for himself? If I was you, I would stop buying sweets and things, and give all the children pocket money instead. That way he has a means of obtaining things for himself and it also teaches him a valuable lesson about money.

I hope that makes sense!

Star x