My 11 year old keeps stealing from the family and I've tried everything??

somethingsgottogive

If he's stealing money to buy sweets and other junk food, which he is then secretly eating alone in his room, it doesn't seem like it's JUST about stealing money but definitely sounds like it could be the start of either Binge Eating Disorder or Compulsive Overeating. If he's not 'constantly hungry', asking for seconds, crying with hunger then I doubt it a physical thing.

Please, please look at https://www.b-eat.co.uk, where they have loads of resources for young people and their carers, as well as a very informative helpline and email system. This is a brief list of different possible signs that a young person has disordered eating patterns.

Weight gain
Eating inappropriate food
Being secretive
Feeling guilty after eating
Mood swings
Eating large quantities of food
Feeling depressed and out of control

I've sent you a PM too

SGTGx

pigpen

Nicki wrote: »

It does sound grim. I have no answers for you. Just wondered whether maybe you had tried giving her a taste of her own medicine? So rather than telling her you are removing something as a punishment, the item just disappears and no one owns up to taking it? You could then when she has the inevitable meltdown have the conversation about how horrid it feels when that happens without owning up to where it has gone.

Another thought is that my older child who is definitely not ASD sometimes nonetheless shows some very ASD thinking . I do think there is a tiny strain of it in all of us, which sometimes peeks out. Perhaps her empathy levels aren't well developed yet, so she actually has no idea why people are getting so upset by this, and doesn't see it as any worse naughtiness than for example not putting her clothes in the laundry bin, or doing her homework when she should?

We have tried that.. she just takes something from everyone else or the people she thinks are to blame (usually DS3 who is 12 and DD's 4 and 5 that she shares a room with) which usually results on at least 2 of them being hit, by each other, not me, and I end up dishing out punishments to them all.

DS3 has Aspergers and doesn't understand stop and come speak to me he just lashes out and he and DD3 do clash terribly.

duchy

I suspect you've just revealed another key to the puzzle.

She's not ASD yet the family dynamic is fitted (quite naturally) to the more "black and white " perception of life that is needed with ASD kids -add into the mix the feeling that many kids with siblings with disabilities have that their needs come second to their siblings and the feeling that they have more expected of them (I speak from personal experience on both sides -my son is ASD and my brother was born expected never to be able to walk -thankfully the doctors were wrong) and she has a lot to carry. Sometimes just awareness can help situations like this in the way we react as parents and seeing a bit more of the why (not to make excuses but to see why an extraordinary reaction may not be so extraordinary after all -and like the way you take steps to accomadate ASD needs -accomadate her needs too)

The_One_Who

Really, before anyone starts thinking this is an eating disorder it is probably best to rule out that he might just be hungry or it might be a different medical condition. Get rid of all snacks and replace them with fruit and other healthy alternatives. And maybe make an appointment with the GP.

Give him pocket money for doing chores or making sure he does well in school. If he blows his monthly/weekly allowance on sweets and crisps then he won't have anything left for going out with his friends to the pool or the cinema or wherever. As long as you don't then bail him out he should soon learn that his money needs to be spent a little bit better. An eleven year old doesn't need a huge amount of pocket money either.

This sort of thing can escalate, but it can also be a response to something happening in his life. He might be being bullied, or he might be going through an early teenage rebellion, or it might be something else entirely.

pigpen

duchy wrote: »

I suspect you've just revealed another key to the puzzle.

She's not ASD yet the family dynamic is fitted (quite naturally) to the more "black and white " perception of life that is needed with ASD kids -add into the mix the feeling that many kids with siblings with disabilities have that their needs come second to their siblings and the feeling that they have more expected of them (I speak from personal experience on both sides -my son is ASD and my brother was born expected never to be able to walk -thankfully the doctors were wrong) and she has a lot to carry. Sometimes just awareness can help situations like this in the way we react as parents and seeing a bit more of the why (not to make excuses but to see why an extraordinary reaction may not be so extraordinary after all -and like the way you take steps to accomadate ASD needs -accomadate her needs too)

How? By allowing certain things fo her to steal? Buying stuff for her to gorge herself with?

She is more than adequately catered for in everything, she gets to do a lot of activities she likes to do and has individual time and this I have decided is who she is, whether it is socially acceptable or not.. she will either learn through maturity or some other way that it is not a decent way to behave and alter her behaviour accordingly.. Though sometimes I do question whether she has some kind of personality disorder. I do wonder if she is ASD and this is part of that trait.. it is such a hugely varyin spectrum it is had to descriminate between normal/abnormal/asd/mental health. But apparently because she isn't obese then it isn't a problem... I suspect this will be part of the issue for the OP too.

She has been this way since she was about 2.5/3.. this isn't new behaviour in reaction to her brother who was diagnosed when she was 5.

Imp

The_One_Who wrote: »

Really, before anyone starts thinking this is an eating disorder it is probably best to rule out that he might just be hungry or it might be a different medical condition. Get rid of all snacks and replace them with fruit and other healthy alternatives. And maybe make an appointment with the GP.

What is it with fruit? Why is everyone recommending it. Didn't anyone see the experiment where a group of people tried to live off fruit alone? There weren't enough hours in the day for them to eat enough to sustain themselves and they lost weight to the point of starvation. We have evolved past fruit and veg (needed as part of a balanced diet) to the point where it does not satisfy us.

If someone is hungry, give him something that will actually fill him - carbs, meat, bread, rice, potatoes, pasta. Not just fruit.

Nicki

I was going to post something similar pigpen but you beat me to it!

Has she been assessed for Aspergers? I know with very high functioning kids it's incredibly hard to get a diagnosis. I have a friend whose child was under CAMHS for years undergoing counselling but they completely refused to even consider mum's strong suspicion of Aspergers until they eventually did an Asdos assessment and he almost scored off the scale!

Is there any support for siblings in your area? My DS is laughably categorized as a young carer in our area (he has NO responsibilities for my DD) and gets support from the local authority as a result. He goes once a week to a youth club for kids who have a family member with a disability and gets taken on day trips during the school holidays every now and again. It's quite a good system to let off steam about the issues of living with a disabled sibling though, as although there is no formal counselling going on, all the kids have similar experiences and naturally talk amongst themselves about it. Whilst I don't think it's feasible particularly to change the whole dynamic because of your 10 year old, I do agree with duchy that it is an added pressure on a child to have 3 ASD siblings and that it might not be helping.

The_One_Who

Imp wrote: »

What is it with fruit? Why is everyone recommending it. Didn't anyone see the experiment where a group of people tried to live off fruit alone? There weren't enough hours in the day for them to eat enough to sustain themselves and they lost weight to the point of starvation. We have evolved past fruit and veg (needed as part of a balanced diet) to the point where it does not satisfy us.

If someone is hungry, give him something that will actually fill him - carbs, meat, bread, rice, potatoes, pasta. Not just fruit.

I presumed that he would be having those sorts of foods as part of his daily meals, rather than as snacks. I certainly never suggested for him to live off fruit and veg alone, just that it might be a better alternative to having chocolate biscuits and packets of crisps. It doesn't need to be only fruit, it could be cereals or a sandwich, or a rice cake or cracker, or anything but crisps and biscuits.

pigpen

Nicki wrote: »

I was going to post something similar pigpen but you beat me to it!

Has she been assessed for Aspergers? I know with very high functioning kids it's incredibly hard to get a diagnosis. I have a friend whose child was under CAMHS for years undergoing counselling but they completely refused to even consider mum's strong suspicion of Aspergers until they eventually did an Asdos assessment and he almost scored off the scale!

Is there any support for siblings in your area? My DS is laughably categorized as a young carer in our area (he has NO responsibilities for my DD) and gets support from the local authority as a result. He goes once a week to a youth club for kids who have a family member with a disability and gets taken on day trips during the school holidays every now and again. It's quite a good system to let off steam about the issues of living with a disabled sibling though, as although there is no formal counselling going on, all the kids have similar experiences and naturally talk amongst themselves about it. Whilst I don't think it's feasible particularly to change the whole dynamic because of your 10 year old, I do agree with duchy that it is an added pressure on a child to have 3 ASD siblings and that it might not be helping.

She had an assessment through CAMHS during which she was polite and lovely and charming and absolutely angelic... we got home and she took 1 item from everyone and hid them (usually in her knicker drawer lol) and threw a god almighty screaming tantrum and bit herself all up both arms so a lot bruised.. CAMHS said she is fine...

We've had interagency links meetings and got nowhere. It is incredibly sad for her... Sometimes I could happily strangle her but othes it seems so heartbreakingly sad.

Mojisola

pigpen wrote: »

She had an assessment through CAMHS during which she was polite and lovely and charming and absolutely angelic... we got home and she took 1 item from everyone and hid them (usually in her knicker drawer lol) and threw a god almighty screaming tantrum and bit herself all up both arms so a lot bruised.. CAMHS said she is fine...

We've had interagency links meetings and got nowhere. It is incredibly sad for her... Sometimes I could happily strangle her but othes it seems so heartbreakingly sad.

Have you tried getting this behaviour on video so that you can show it to CAMHS? They must have come across children who know how to manipulate the system before. It would be interesting to have an appointment with them where they make her watch a video of herself acting like this and then discuss it.