My 11 year old keeps stealing from the family and I've tried everything??

the_cat

OP _ It seems that you are taking every suggestion as some sort of personal attack. That is a great shame because there is a lot of helpful advice here which you seem intent on dismissing

Get rid of the sweets, the chocolate, the cake, plus any other 'treats' Basically get rid of anything which will invoke this behaviour. Give each child a (very) small amount to buy their own treats. If you want them for yourself buy them seperately. Keep anything in the house and the cash locked up out of reach and prewarn DS that if there is an instance of stealing, THEN HE WILL HAVE NO ALLOWANCE AT ALL THE NEXT WEEK. Continue until he realises that this behaviour actually means he gets less sweet stuff overall. If he is as bright as you say, it won't take long

All you have done so far is prove that unlimited access to that sort of food doesn't make them less attractive. So take a leap of faith and try something DIFFERENT

Savvy_Sue

peachyprice wrote: »

You can't expect OP to cook pasta rice, postatoes between meals/before bedtime as a snack, they are not snacks, they are staple goods that form part of a meal.

Although there's no point putting leftover pasta or potatoes in our fridge when DS2 is home, he really enjoys snacking on them cold!

angelil

Does he ever steal non-food items?

I used to steal as a child (sometimes sweets but mostly non-food items such as toys).
It calmed down a bit after I was about 12 and got caught by my mother stealing from a family friend.

However, it started up again when I went to university and carried on for a couple of years. I was stealing low-value items from shops during this time, and while they were things I wanted, I could have afforded them and stealing them was more about a) the buzz of it and b) being a tightwad despite having the money to purchase the items. It stopped straight away when I was caught by a store security guard in 2006. I still to this day am so grateful that they just let me go away after giving back the items, that they did not make a huge scene, and that they did not call the police. I sought counselling after that via my uni and have not stolen again since; just the thought of ever doing so sends shivers through me.

My parents still do not know about this later phase of stealing in my life; I was brought up very well and they would be MORTIFIED.

I sincerely hope that it would not take such an incident to stop your son from stealing. I feel so sorry for you that you seem to have tried so many things that have not worked. However, I do think you need to take the advice that others here have given you. It is so important now to stop this while he is still young; if he starts stealing from shops when he is older then the security guard that catches him in the act may not be as nice to him as the person who caught me was.

steveandan68

Hi i know exactly how you feel as i have a 13 year old son who has stole for as long as i can remember, doesnt matter what it is who it belongs too if he wants it he will take it! Last november we found out he had been shoplifting so we took him back to the shop and ended up paying his bill! In the meantime we moved house and he started his new school in January 1 day in may he came home to tell us the police were coming at 4.15pm that evening as he had been caught shoplifting! They police came out and after talking to them and giving a background of my son who has been to cahms team had them come out to my home had a psychiatrist, it was agreed that an ABC order be issued on him (Acceptable Behaviour Contract) this had 12 NOT TO's listed on there including a 7.pm curfew hoping this would work, i sadly regret saying IT HAS NOT! my son has continued to steal, bully people including my disabled son who is 11, lie, break his curfew, each time this has happened i myself have reported him to the police as this needs to stop but i have getting nowhere as each time they have given him another chance i have now hit that brick wall and i havent a clue what else i can do!! any advice would be greatly appreciated..

Allegra

Nicki wrote: »

Oh, they are c**p sometimes! That just sounds like such classic high functioning Aspie behaviour.

I was reading and just about to pipe up with that - especially as there are ASDs in the family already, I really would not dismiss the possibility of DD also being on the spectrum. Girls present very differently to boys, which is why they can often get missed out, especially when compared to the more "typical" AS behaviour of boys.

Allegra

stressedoutmum wrote: »

I have had him in the doctors in the past over his temper tantrums. The doctor told me the fact that he never has them in front of anyone else (not school, relatives etc) and only at home then he is a very clever manipulative little boy who feels totally comfortable in his home which is why he does it there and wouldn't try it at anyone else as he is not sure how they would react. He has told me he does it for attention to annoy me if I have annoyed him! He doesn't scream for 2 hours he will sit and sulk and we do tell him to think about how he's behaving and try and catch it before it gets that far.

Sitting and sulking isn't exactly a temper tantrum though, is it ? A sulk is a completely different kettle of fish....

I would second the suggestion to seek a referral to CAMHS. I can not guarantee they will help, but as you feel backed up against a wall, the only way forward would be to try and involve neutral experts. You never know, just knowing that there is someone else involved in trying to help might give you sufficient breathing room to re-assess the situation and try something new that might even work.

Best of luck.

Allegra

BTW, to the poster who asked about a site on ASDs, try www.wrongplanet.net Also, try and get hold of this book: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Complete-Guide-Aspergers-Syndrome/dp/1843106698/ref=wl_it_dp_o?ie=UTF8&coliid=I2N09HEF6ETBDS&colid=3LBIHBQ2PZZKZ It's essential reading for anyone involved with ASDs in any way, IMO - your library should be able to get it for you on interlibrary loan for a small charge if you do not want to splash out on your own copy.

jellyhead

When my son saw CAMHS (he was 12) they met him first, then they had a meeting with me. The meeting was not really about my son, but mostly about me and my reactions to his behaviour and ended up with "See, you're so similar!" and a suggestion that I have autistic traits (he's not diagnosed, but is dyspraxic and everyone just assumes he's ASD).

We are only similar if we are arguing. My son carried on seeing CAMHS, and it was a school issue that he'd been referred for, but the man from CAMHS made me realise that I was arguing with him in a childish way and behaving just as stubbornly as he was.

It's not all been plain sailing since then, because this is a boy who would argue that black is white (the 'coats make no difference when it rains' argument is legendary), and he rubs EVERYONE up the wrong way, not just me. I have tried to be less stubborn when I discuss things with him though, and last night I made a real effort to see his point of view - odd though it was.

CAMHS might be able to help you agree things as a family (such as pocket money or other rewards), and see some negative patterns you've got into.

jellyhead

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Doctor is onto something

Maybe, but there's also the theory that children keep it all pent up inside then go into meltdown when they are with mum because they know that she's safe.

Or, maybe it's because a lot of kids who have tantrums at home are just too similar to their mother :rotfl: I didn't recognise it in myself until it was pointed out to me, but with other challenging children I've seen arguing with their mums it seems that they share common traits and are both too stubborn to give up.

Don't take this as criticism, OP, but perhaps you and he are both quite controlling, and he is doing this to exercise some control over you.

carrieuk

Just wanted to add that I used to steal things when i was younger, from about year 5 to year 8, i stole money from my mum, food from the kitchen, sweets, crisps, chocolate. If mum hadnt bought any in, i used to steal money and buy on the way to school. It was all about attention, I wanted attention off my mum and my friends because i had all this money to spend on sweets, it was also because i was and still am a binge eater. It wasnt small amounts, £10-£20.

I just grew out of it right around year 9, where I had my own money and could ask mum if i needed to borrow money. I still binge.

I just grew out of it, maybe your son will to.

Don't rise up to his temper tantrums, keep your money with you at all times, ignore him when he sulks, even if it goes on for hours ignore him. Make sure he see's you throw the sweets away in your black outside bins. Make him aware that this is what happens. Remove all chocolate, sweets etc from the house. If you catch him with sweets, then calmly take them off him and put them in the outside bin. He needs to learn that what children want doesnt always happen. Take the xbox/ mobile/ laptop/ tv/ whatever indefinately off him. If he has 1 good week where no money/food has gone missing then he gets it back for a hour.