Can I stop him going

intranicity

Esoog wrote: »

Don't be so bloody stupid, she said she'd have to do a few less hours in the evening, not prostitute herself to keep a roof over their heads.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: Bit harsh, but really did make me laugh out loud

I think this is an interesting debate, and shows the difference between the mentality/reality/expectations/outlook of service people and their family's and that of the civilian community.

Having served, straight away, my opinion was she's selfish, and I think a lot of the people posting here that agree she's selfish are from the military family and many of them are women!

The posts in favour of the OP saying he's selfish I think and guess have no or very little connection to the Armed Forces.

I just find that interesting and guess it says something about the type of person you need to be to accept military life, but I think that even so we think she is selfish, we all had some form of compassion, sympathy or practical advice for her.

It is though VERY telling that having chosen to post here, and having seen a few response's, edited her original post to make it not so whining, and decided then to post on another area of this website looking for sympathy there, even saying "She got slaughtered when she asked about this" I'm sorry that you feel you got slaughtered, but you asked a question in a military forum, what did you expect, you should have know that you were unlikely to get a load of sympathy, If your reasons had been more valid, a seriously ill child, a parent at deaths door and many others, I'm sure the responses would have been different.

susan1105 wrote: »

hello everyone well my ex has told me he has volunteered for a nine month tour with the TA in afhgan and was told it has nothing to do with me and the kids so upset with him

He does so much for the kids and for him to be gone for so long will be a complete night mare for us all.

I posted on another thread and got slatered for being selfish not wanting to him to go.

Proud to have served, proud of the guys and girls still serving and VERY proud of the family's that support us while we do our DUTY

susan1105

hello all I had not come back on here as everyone was seemed to be seeing myself as selfish.

I have calmed down, I do understand how the TA works but maybe if ex had discussed it all with me before volunteering and sending me a text message stating will find out in April if I am going to Afghanstan.

A couple of points to the person who had the gall to say my husband left me due to me being selfish. How dare you my ex had a affair with someone in the TA when I was home with my two year old twins, she was only 19 years old at the time. I found out that he had been telling me he was going away with the TA when he was going away with her. We did try to sort things out but he said he could not promise he would not do it again and it was nothing to with me at one point he said he was fed up with being married.

The ex is employed full time and works 60 hours a week.

When we worked out maintanence we did not take in to account the TA money as he does this the weekends he does not have the boys and I looked at as it would give him extra money to do things with the boys, I even suggested the other year when training was cut he could give me less and I worked extra shifts, and he had the boys untill training went back to normal.

He has been in the TA for nearly 20 years and only ever done two tours one in Bosina in 1996 we had only just meet and in 2003 when they called up his unit.

If my work can not move my hours around ( I work set hours and 7.5 hours are out of hours that a childminder would look after them) I would lose at least 200 a month. My mum works full time and already has them more than I would like. I dont work full time but do, do 29 hours a week and have two jobs.

I have tried to discuss with ex about a life assurance policy he has that I still pay, I need him to put this in trust so that it could give me an allowance untill boys turn 18, and then gives them a lump sum each if the worse happens, I wish we didnt have to dicuss this but I understand this is what may happen.

Ex has now stated that as he is an Sgt that there is six of them that has volunteered and only one needed

Yes at one point he has said he money was part of why he put his name forward, I know he is debt and seems to be getting in more.

Ex's girlfriend was kind to offer but boys never mention her, its like she is an after thought when they discuss the weekends events. She works in retail and is in the TA and to be honest I would not take up offer.

His parents are great and would come if needed however they are in their late seventys only have state pension and have to pay tunnel fares to come to mine, I dont mined them coming of an evening once in a while but if they had them during the day (ex seems to drop them off at theirs quite alot on weekends he has them) they think they have to take them to Macdonalds and play areas etc I worry about this as it must be hard on their bank balance if you know what I mean. If I offered tunnel money they would take offensive we once paid for their taxi home one christmas and did not talk to son for a month.

I hope you consider the above more before thinking the worse of me, when I first posted I was very upset everything seemed to be closing in on me, how to help the boys, how to stay sane, work, I also know what ex is like, will he stay in touch with boys, he goes away for two weeks calls once etc.

He is a good dad however I beleive he did not consider everything when he volunteered, a sensible conservation with myself would have saved a lot of upset.

herewegoagain2010

OP I'm sorry you feel like you got 'slaughtered' on this thread, but I think everyone has given you a very frank and honest opinion. May I remind you that you have posted on a public forum inviting people to comment. I think people have been very kind and agreed that they sympathise for you. However, posting on another thread saying "you got slaughtered" is a bit of a kick in the teeth. The truth hurts and we must have hit a nerve, why else would you edit posts.....scared you look like a childish and selfish bitter ex?

Your ex may or may not go away and the problems you are concerned about describe my life on a day-to-day basis. If you expected it all to be pink and fluffy on this thread I'm sorry we've let you down. I live with the same problems everyday of my life. Is it my fault? Perhpahs, because I fell in love with a man who proudly wears an armed forces uniform.

You're not the only person in the world who goes through this, but do you see the rest of us trying to get our partners off a det? He's not even your partner now, so get over it. He's got a new partner and life and you need to move on. Stop looking for sympathy and start putting your children first. No doubt you'll take this post as a personal insult, but hey-ho life sucks! You need to be grounded and you'l; get through this. You can't let your feelings towards your ex affect the children. You've said he's a good dad so they need to be reminded of this.

duchy

Soon as I saw the original post I thought she'd get slaughtered -as she was posting to a mainly forces minded group.

However much as I think some of the posters here have made really good points -and agree with a lot of it-the other side is that the OP's ex is divorced from HER not from the children -and he appears to have little interest in their welfare as he's chosen to volunteer knowing it will cause practical problems for the family with childcare he currently provides as well as not having a father around ..............and yes the fact they are divorced so she will get no support . The way the OP tells it there is no support for her except the new partner (and possibly she has good reasons not to want to be beholden to her). I think many army wives know how hard it can be and could offer practical ideas on such things as how to explain it to the kids -coping stratagies they have used etc . The OP seems to have all the disadvantages of been an army wife yet with none of the advantages or support-In her shoes I'd be pretty peed off too and not particually want to see the bigger picture.

EDIT Posted with the OP by the looks of things

intranicity

Welcome back Susan, and thanks for taking the time to respond.

I'm sure everyone knows how you feel and understands where you're coming from and yes, you were stressed when you posted and maybe your arguments and reasoning weren't the best when you posted, we all have days like that.

You need to protect the children, and hard as it is, put on a brave face and not let this get to them, as you say, it's only a 1 in 6 chance of him going.

Money wise, i'd find out how much a decent childminder would cost to enable you to work your hours and approach the ex and I'd like to think he'd pay for that, and I'd think he'd make some contribution to keeping them entertained on his weekends, but we don't know him, but you do seem to have a reasonable relationship with him and he does want to be in the kids life.

You weren't being slaughtered though, you did the 'Ask a silly question, get a silly answer' type of post, and sadly got both barrels, but I'm sure you can see/understand why.

Hope you two can work this out, might be worth showing him this thread, we all support him, BUT I THINK WE ALSO AGREE he needs to make provisions for his children, and that does include making sure that you too can continue in your job while he is away, it needs sorting, because even if he doesn't go this time, he still may have to go later

susan1105

Thanks guys for all your imput.

I know from last time he did a tour that support at TA levels varies from unit to unit, when he went ex's unit put on a coffee morning about two others turned up and one other meeting near the end.

Where as my brother in-law is in REME and the partners got big booklets of support how to cope when soldiers come back, list's of who to call if help is needed at home from a gardener to plumbers.

I know as an ex I wont get back up from welfare officers etc but I do hope that for the other volunteerers who have signed up that they have help an assistance in place for their partners left at home this time, but it was all of a cluster f*** last time ex went to chigwell (I think it was long time ago) and went thur all the paper work etc given dessert gear and was told there had been a mistake and could go home and wait again for rest of his unit to get their papers or go be based with the americans in RAF base in suffolk. He took the second option as job had already been covered etc.

I know we will be fine, we have never argued in front of boys even when he left.

I am right in saying that they get up stay in touch via email now and web cam if that's the case that would be easier than the phone as you can imagine five years dont say much down the phone and we could keep him updated with photos and videos. they could do little video's for him. Maybe just eldest could keep him updated with a mini journal or something we like to do crafts and things.

Any suggestions how everyone helps their kids stay in touch with their dad or mum who is away.

He has said that he will get three weeks pre deployment leave is this normal??

mumps

tomitma wrote: »

I think you are living in a dream world, there are thousands of children in the armed forces families, they know that it is there fathers/mothers job, as I was growing up I saw my father for three months of the year, the children are used to this. If the children think that there father dosent care for them, it will be because the selfish OP has let them think this way. The OP has had it easy up til now, having there father to babysit and pay for then children, she needs to take a reality check, and think of all the other mothers and children out there, that never see there fathers, yet they are independent enough to run there own lives.

I think that is uncalled for, I have said I come from a family with alot of miliary experience. It is one thing to get called up, it is one thing for one parent from a united family to go away but these children, still very young, have coped with their parents break up and now daddy is not being sent to do his duty he is asking to go away. From what OP says six men have volunteered for one position so it isn't exactly like the whole operation is dependant on him. They are still his children, I don't care if people think the OP is being selfish, maybe she is, but I do think he hasn't given much thought to the children. I don't know if you have ever been through divorce but it is difficult for children and in my experience it is particularly hard for young boys and no I don't think five year olds are old enough to run their own lives even if their mother is.

mumps

tomitma wrote: »

He may well be volunteering, but you don't join the TA's just to play soldiers at weekends and two weeks summercamp, they are part of the armed forces, and the TA's are there as back up for the full timers.

A puppy is for life not just for Christmas, shame no one points out the same about having children.

intranicity

mumps wrote: »

A puppy is for life not just for Christmas, shame no one points out the same about having children.

Glad that doesn't apply to ex wives.....

So, are you saying that Members of the Armed Forces shouldn't have children? GROW UP, at least despite choosing to want to go and do his bit even the OP says he's a good dad, maybe his kids are proud that daddy wears a uniform and has some pride, I'm sure they would love to have daddy around every day, but sadly, thats not the reality for many children, but at least he is around most of the time, unlike some waster fathers who just leave a trail of children and have no contact and pay no money. He is a good dad from all accounts and he is a member of the Armed Forces, TA isn't a Saturday and Sunday job, it is a part of the regular forces

intranicity

susan1105 wrote: »

Thanks guys for all your imput.

I know from last time he did a tour that support at TA levels varies from unit to unit, when he went ex's unit put on a coffee morning about two others turned up and one other meeting near the end.

Where as my brother in-law is in REME and the partners got big booklets of support how to cope when soldiers come back, list's of who to call if help is needed at home from a gardener to plumbers.

I know as an ex I wont get back up from welfare officers etc but I do hope that for the other volunteerers who have signed up that they have help an assistance in place for their partners left at home this time, but it was all of a cluster f*** last time ex went to chigwell (I think it was long time ago) and went thur all the paper work etc given dessert gear and was told there had been a mistake and could go home and wait again for rest of his unit to get their papers or go be based with the americans in RAF base in suffolk. He took the second option as job had already been covered etc.

I know we will be fine, we have never argued in front of boys even when he left.

I am right in saying that they get up stay in touch via email now and web cam if that's the case that would be easier than the phone as you can imagine five years dont say much down the phone and we could keep him updated with photos and videos. they could do little video's for him. Maybe just eldest could keep him updated with a mini journal or something we like to do crafts and things.

Any suggestions how everyone helps their kids stay in touch with their dad or mum who is away.

He has said that he will get three weeks pre deployment leave is this normal??

I can't help to much with regards the contact, but my sister has just returned and my son used to send her Blueys (Kids can just draw pics etc if they want) and he used to chat on Facebook to her, so I think keeping the kids in touch is far better than it used to be.

I can understand that in the past, the TA might have been left out of the loop when keeping partners informed of whats going on, hopefully now the TA are taking a much bigger part in whats going on now, and are more intergrated, maybe things are better, sure others might be able to advise there. I'm sure that something can be put in place if he does go to allow you to be updated and remembered.

Final part is with regards his new partner. I can fully understand that this is REALLY hard for you and I think you have every right to feel bitter/hacked off with her over what this did to you, the marriage and the kids, BUT, she is with him now and she see's the kids a lot I guess, and she has offered some support, I KNOW you don't want anything to do with her and maybe that isn't helping.... Maybe the kids don't mention her as they feel loyal to you?

Might be worth calmly (hard I know), talking to the kids, Daddy might be going to Afghanistan and ***** whatever her name is has said if you'd like, while he's away, you can go and visit her sometimes?

If they say they don't want to go, then thats their choice, but it is possible that they might like to go and spend time with her, in the end, I expect she is a bit of a step mum as it is, hard for you to accept, but might make your life a bit easier, but as I said, only if the kids want to