Can I stop him going

lolly_896

I'd say the OP is far from selfish!? The Ex husband is selfish imo! Voluntarily leaving his children for 9 months? Also if i didnt have a break from my children for 9 months i'd be severely depressed, not every family have a good support network that will help out. And No OP you can't stop him but if he refuses extra maintenance to cover you increased costs then go direct to the csa, i beleive they take a % of income and whilst ex H is away he will b earning more i assume. Then you can look into child minders, holiday clubs etc. GL x

intranicity

slbhill wrote: »

If he argues, again go the families officer or his CO - some of them are very good at making sure squaddies look after their dependents instead of spending all their money on beer!

While I see some validity in some of your points, I think you are so miss informed that you really need to sit back and read....

THEY are divorced! YES, he has a responsibility to his kids and from the sounds of it he is a good dad, see them loads, and even helps his ex wife out when she's working.....

Oldest child is 9, so the man in question is probably in his 30's, he supports his kids, so I think the point that he's spending money on beer tokens is insulting to a man that feels a need to do his duty, I an certain he'll miss the kids and his new partner, but he wants to do what he trained for.

The mother, whilst I have sympathy for her, (Reading between the lines) really just doesn't want him to go as she'll have the kids all the time because it will limit her social life.... The new girlfriend has offered help, as has his parents, and she needs to get on with it and get help from her family too

13Kent

I am afraid that's military life ! When my OH went to Afghan I had to cope with my children miles away from my family - and his family too - you just do it because you have to, even though can be horrible, and exhausting at times, and some days you do sit and cry and think you can't cope. But the next day you pick yourself up, put on a smile for the sake of your kids and get on with it. My friends were a godsend with my family being so far away. There are ways for your children to keep in touch with their Dad - Skype calls, blueys - even if they can't write they can draw a picture, e-blueys where you can add photos. Maybe dad can do a Storybook soldier cd for them before he goes.

When he gets back not only are you proud of him for doing his job, but you are proud of yourself and your children for getting through all that time without him.

Maybe you should put a post on the CSA thread - there a lots of single parents on there who may be able to offer you some further advice and support.

Good luck!

mumps

intranicity wrote: »

The mother, whilst I have sympathy for her, (Reading between the lines) really just doesn't want him to go as she'll have the kids all the time because it will limit her social life.... The new girlfriend has offered help, as has his parents, and she needs to get on with it and get help from her family too

To be fair I think she said she works evenings and didn't mention her social life and it was him who volunteered his paents. If they are in 70s they will have their hands full with three boys of this age.

It is a difficult problem obviously as they are divorced he is entitled to move on with his life. However, if I was one of the children I would feel abandoned.

intranicity

mumps wrote: »

To be fair I think she said she works evenings and didn't mention her social life and it was him who volunteered his paents. If they are in 70s they will have their hands full with three boys of this age.

It is a difficult problem obviously as they are divorced he is entitled to move on with his life. However, if I was one of the children I would feel abandoned.

Sorry, you are correct, OP doesn't say that now, she has edited her original post somewhat and these bits have surprisingly disappeared, so I guess I DID read between the lines and she has removed that from the original message so not to make it look as selfish as it did first appear

I posted a response 14 minutes after the thread was started, in my reply I said.....

I know it will make a difference to your life and especially the kids, and I'm sure it will make a big difference to him.... You are divorced though and need to move on with your life, yes it will be hard for you all, but you can't REALLY expect him to not go just so you can go out and find a new boyfriend, CAN YOU!

I expect she redid the post after reading that, I still have sympathy for her but she only has to give up one night according to her post and have the kids at weekends, but I also have sympathy for a dad that wants to do his duty

herewegoagain2010

lolly_896 wrote: »

I'd say the OP is far from selfish!? The Ex husband is selfish imo! Voluntarily leaving his children for 9 months?

In his defence, he may have volunteered for this det knowing that he was due to go sooner rather than later. He's in the TA and I'm sure him and the OP are fully aware that he's being paid to be part of the Armed Forces reserves. He's been in the TA a long time 8+ years so why would this suddenly come as a surprise. You can't keep taking the money without doing some time. They both know he's in the TA to serve, so why when he stands up to take his turn is he being selfish? Being selfish a a partner who kicks up a fuss and wriggles and tries to get the person off a tour. Being a wife of a full-timer I've seen it time and time again...the excuses the sick, lame and lazy give...."my wife can't cope, my wife is sucidial, i've hurt my toe etc etc.....it really annoys me! My hubby does his tours and holds his head high as we both know he does his bit. However, is a whole new thread and I don't want to waffle!

tomitma

Sorry OP but I wonder why you did divorce, reading your posting was it because you are selfish. Once a soldier always a soldier, and if he feels that it is his duty, then you shouldn't stop him. Your posting is all about yourself, not the children. Grow up.

mumps

intranicity wrote: »

Sorry, you are correct, OP doesn't say that now, she has edited her original post somewhat and these bits have surprisingly disappeared, so I guess I DID read between the lines and she has removed that from the original message so not to make it look as selfish as it did first appear

I posted a response 14 minutes after the thread was started, in my reply I said.....

I know it will make a difference to your life and especially the kids, and I'm sure it will make a big difference to him.... You are divorced though and need to move on with your life, yes it will be hard for you all, but you can't REALLY expect him to not go just so you can go out and find a new boyfriend, CAN YOU!

I expect she redid the post after reading that, I still have sympathy for her but she only has to give up one night according to her post and have the kids at weekends, but I also have sympathy for a dad that wants to do his duty

OK, I didn't notice it had been edited. Just wondered how you feel about the children's view? I think both parents should put them first. I could understand parents volunteering to go to war if we were being attacked but I do feel for these little boys and all the little ones who know their parents are away for months and in danger.

WhiteHorse

susan1105 wrote: »

He has said it has nothing to do with me.

It has a great deal to do with you and your children.

I am trying not to be selfish ...

No, you are not being selfish. You have children between you. It is a shared responsibility. He is being selfish.

I know this is what he trained for ...

No it isn't. He's in the reserve, not the regulars. The purpose of the reserve is to defend this country, not engage in foreign adventures.

intranicity

WhiteHorse wrote: »

It has a great deal to do with you and your children.


No, you are not being selfish. You have children between you. It is a shared responsibility. He is being selfish.


No it isn't. He's in the reserve, not the regulars. The purpose of the reserve is to defend this country, not engage in foreign adventures.

I guess you are not anything to do with the military, hey ho, we all have opinions, but get your facts right about the TA next time :beer:

"The role of the TA is to provide units and individuals to reinforce the Army, many of whose Brigades and Divisions have a proportion of both Regular and TA units."