Can I stop him going

samm1551

patanne wrote: »

He may be a good dad but you have to be very careful here. Your younger 2 will probably not remember ever living with their father and one seems to be reluctant to visit him. You will be the one for nine months who is solely in charge of their behaviour etc & blaming you for him not being there and if you have to work fewer hours, then with less money. He is going to breeze back in after 9 months & treat them.

Mum = bad guy
Dad = source of treats

I'd make his girlfriend your new best friend - with the extra sweetener that he will probably hate that. After all this could be a way not just to pay off his debts but also to walk out on her.

Why would you do that? My ex might pee me off but I'd never sabotage his relationship just because I was worried about being seen as the bad guy.

OP, I forget how old your children are but chuff charts and getting the kids to draw pictures on blueys and such like are great ways of keeping the kids involved. Someone mentioned your ex doing storybook soldiers (my hubby is doing that soon). There is a book called "My Daddy is a Soldier" aimed at children no older than 6 I would say. We used that too.

I hope that helps a little.

marcustash

Great info on the topic, always craved to get one of these, but didn’t knew if it really worked like it should.

Marker_2

I think people are being very unfair to the OP. Please someone smack me if I ever turn into a hardened forces wife. The ol' crack on with it bullcrap is old and tiresome.

Regardless of how many tours they go on, it doesnt get any easier, especially with children. The constant questions on when daddy (mummy) is coming home, the tears the tantrums etc. Its hard bloody work. Forces Wives (and exs) deserves medals for keeping the home fires burning and putting up with !!!! from one end to the next.

Every tour I tell myself, this time Im going to have a life, im not going to watch the news or be glued to the phone or laptop, just in case hubby phones or emails, fook that for a laugh ... tour comes and there I am waiting around, drawing pretty calendars with the kids doing the count down. But in all seriousness next time I AM having a life!!!!!

Anyway back to post in question
OP, I feel for you I really do, its hard enough when the father of our kids have to go on tour, its another when they volunteer. Couldnt imagine choosing not to be with my babies. I would personally tell the ex how upset you are that he did not discuss this with you before hand as he should have, ex or not, he would be leaving you soley responsible for your children during that period so at the very least should have disccused it with you.

I would then suggest you swiftly get over the fact hes going and work out a way forward with communication for the children. Id also explain to him how his tour will affect you financially and ask at the very least he will be able to cover any lost earnings. As a good father which you describe him as, I dont think he would like his tour to have a detrimental affect on the standards of living his children are accustom too, so hopefully he would agree to that. Keep on as best terms as possible.

herewegoagain2010 wrote: »

My children know that their daddy is away, but they take pride in the fact he's serving the queen and country and that is just what daddy does. It's all to do with the perspective of the remaining parent.

Oh and regarding this statement, we drill into our child that daddy does a job, we certainly dont glorify it! No job will make up for the fact daddy cant take them swimming or the other little pleasures for 6 months.

trooperdog

OMG some of you lot are nuts!! a soldier is volunteering to do his bit, like the other thousands of blokes who do this every six months and fair play and good luck to him, we all have families and although no one wants their loved ones to go most are proud!! from what she says he does good by the children so why the hell would you encourage her to go to CSA??? so they can rob him of the exta money hes putting his life on the line for and for which most wouldnt even go to the kid!!!! shes already said he does his fair share financially! take a reality check people sit back and grow up. yes the kids are going to miss him but thats part of having a parent in the forces! why not just speak to him and split the extra costs for childcare or you days wages! problem solved! im sure hed agree! and yes i do think your being selfish. sorry but thats how i see it!

debtfreewannabe321

I've done two tours now with hubby going to afghan. Both were as hard as each other, it doesn't get easier. My youngest wouldn't go to his dad when he got back on r&r this tour just gone. It affects the children more than he (your ex) probably thinks. I would ask him for either more money (as he gets extra for being out there) to cover childcare, or as someone else said get the girlfriend to help out if she has offered.

My kids had the story book soldier. we got 2 different ones for the two younger ones. That helped ALOT so i would get you ex to look into that asap (it took 6 weeks for ours to arrive) we also had my daddy is a soldier, and My daddy is going away (think that was the title) both helped although the latter book was perhaps for older kids than my younger two (1 & 2 and older was 11 at the time)

It's hard old slog but if i were you i would see if the unit welfare can help you out, by keeping you informed, providing bits and bobs for the kids- you may also be entitled to free days out etc with kids? not sure how it works for TA or because you aren't together. But our welfare are fab and they really do help those that ask for it.

I hope you are feeling a bit better about things now?

DFW x

debtfreewannabe321

Marker wrote: »

I think people are being very unfair to the OP. Please someone smack me if I ever turn into a hardened forces wife. The ol' crack on with it bullcrap is old and tiresome.

Regardless of how many tours they go on, it doesnt get any easier, especially with children. The constant questions on when daddy (mummy) is coming home, the tears the tantrums etc. Its hard bloody work. Forces Wives (and exs) deserves medals for keeping the home fires burning and putting up with !!!! from one end to the next.

Every tour I tell myself, this time Im going to have a life, im not going to watch the news or be glued to the phone or laptop, just in case hubby phones or emails, fook that for a laugh ... tour comes and there I am waiting around, drawing pretty calendars with the kids doing the count down. But in all seriousness next time I AM having a life!!!!!

Anyway back to post in question
OP, I feel for you I really do, its hard enough when the father of our kids have to go on tour, its another when they volunteer. Couldnt imagine choosing not to be with my babies. I would personally tell the ex how upset you are that he did not discuss this with you before hand as he should have, ex or not, he would be leaving you soley responsible for your children during that period so at the very least should have disccused it with you.

I would then suggest you swiftly get over the fact hes going and work out a way forward with communication for the children. Id also explain to him how his tour will affect you financially and ask at the very least he will be able to cover any lost earnings. As a good father which you describe him as, I dont think he would like his tour to have a detrimental affect on the standards of living his children are accustom too, so hopefully he would agree to that. Keep on as best terms as possible.



Oh and regarding this statement, we drill into our child that daddy does a job, we certainly dont glorify it! No job will make up for the fact daddy cant take them swimming or the other little pleasures for 6 months.

well said marker totally agree. And i also always say I WILL have a life....this time...and end up glued to the news and my phone :rotfl:

herewegoagain2010

Oh and regarding this statement, we drill into our child that daddy does a job, we certainly dont glorify it! No job will make up for the fact daddy cant take them swimming or the other little pleasures for 6 months.[/QUOTE]

I don't understand how encouraging your child to have pride in their father and his role within the armed forces is glorifying it. My children would have the same pride if he worked for the local council or supermarket. However, I believe their pride and belief in daddy helps them deal with every school play, dentist appointment and grazed knee that he misses. We certainly don't hero-worship my husband, but the children know he does an important job, which I think helps them reason his absences. Everyone deals with forces life differently and you have to deal with it the best way that suits your family. I'm very matter of fact and 'crack on' It doesn't mean I like it or am numb to my emotions, but it's the only way I can be strong and provide stability for my children whilst my husband is away. His last det over xmas was the toughest one yet and the children and I lurched from one disaster to another, one illness to another and back again. There isn't a pause button in my life and I do feel as though you just need to make the best of it and smile and laugh when you can.

tonjerella

Don't often reply to threads but thought I'd try and offer you some support. My hubby is in the regulars and long detachments are unfortunately something me and our kids are used to. Hopefully you might find this helpful. Yes it is hard but there's nothing you can do but plan to make your lives a little easier, it is a roller coaster but you have no option but to make the best of it.
Firstly, make sure you let your kids' teachers know that their Dad is going away so can they work with you in keeping an eye on your childrens progress. My childrens' school help them write E-blueys to their Dad on a lunchtime. There are also childrens' packs available like scrapbooks which are great, the HIVE have them or contact your ex's TA unit's welfare officer.
Check out the Army Families Federation (it won't let me post link as I'm new, sorry) they provide advice and support to service families. Even though you are divorced your kids are still part of the service family so they will help you. They are used to the non-traditional family and will not dismiss you 'cos you're divorced. The TA Specialist is a good person to ask for advice. There might be a Families Support Group set up for your ex's TA unit, having someone to talk to who's been there or going through same thing is a massive help.
Good Luck x