Money in relationships

quantic

I think this is a very complex subject, in the beginning I was paying a lot more then she was for things in our house. This caused issues though because for the first few months I would be skint and she would have cash left. So it felt like whenever she had spare cash she would spend it on seeing friends, going out or buying things. Whereas I was spending every penny on us, our house and bills. We are now splitting everything 50/50, it works much better - she has always been bailed out financially by her parents in the past and it was beginning to feel like it was moving in the same direction for our relationship.

Mrs_Z

Hi, I think it would be fair for your partner to pay 1/2 of your travel costs given that a) you earn substantially less than him and b) the move benefitted him whilst increasing your travel costs. On the longer term, would there be an opportunity to find a new job nearer where you live?

We operate on separate finances basis, in that I pay all the bills and OH gives me 1/2 when he gets paid. This has been working fine but we both earn more or less the same. We did register the house as 'tenant in common' with split percentages as I had a bigger deposit to put down. Has worked fine for us - been married for 20yrs.... Reason for doing it this way is because I'm more of a saver whilst he's a spender but as far as I'm concerned he's free to spend his hard earned money as he sees fit after covering his share for the bills and I would not want to nag him, which I'd have to do if we had a joint account and he bought things I dont didn't agree with.... Have to say that if there's one thing we've never argued about in our household is money!

MissShoes

Interesting reading through this thread. I am in the position of earning just over twice what my boyfriend does and we are looking at moving in in the very near future.

I shared the thread with him last night and he was shocked at the situation you're in as there is no way for you to grow/progress- your money will always be 'spent for you'- by this I mean you have to spend that money on commuting and you have to spend your money on half of socialising.

One question I have-the house that is saved for- is that for both of you...equally? You say he's saving for it but is that for you as a couple? You don't seem to be considered in the equation (from how it it written) and I wonder what would happen once he's saved enough for a house. Could you be left in lurch with not much in savings and living miles from work?

We will split things proportionately when we move in 70/30 with rent and all household bills. His leftover will be for him (driving lessons, smokes, commuting, socialising, clothes etc) and my leftover will be for me (pay off debts- this year!!!-, running a car, commuting to uni, nails etc).

It'll probably work out that I'll spend more towards the household stuff like linen/towels etc and we'll split the food proportionately. It helps that we are quite like-minded in terms of food shopping- preferring to cook rather than ready meals and neither particularly bothered by brands- love deal-spotting etc. We practically live together now and if I buy one lot of shopping he'll chip in elsewhere or buy the next lot in.

There are obstacles to overcome- he needs to learn to drive and I am clearing debts (he only has a £750 o/d)- but we want to overcome them together then save for a house/holidays/annual expenses like running cars-dental-insurances etc.

Hope this helps- I just think you don't have a shared financial vision and it doesn't sound like you're working together for what's best for both of you.

Shoes

xx

Gavin83

Quick question. Would you be any better or worse off if you two were no longer together? Im not suggesting you two should break up over this but I don't think either partner should be any worse off in the relationship than if they were out of it.

Fuzzy_Duck

It's difficult to make money spending in relationships entirely fair but in your situation OP he is making no attempt whatsoever. I really hope he is just clueless rather than heartless, but I can't believe anyone would let their OH put up with holey clothes and pay so much on petrol after moving nearer THEIR work, especially when he earns so much more than you.

In my situation we have always contributed what we can afford and as fairly as possible. Currently we are on about the same wage, so we both split the rent and bills evenly and alternate in buying the weekly food shop. If I cover any major bills (which is sometimes easier as I get paid monthly and OH weekly) I'll make a mental note of it and OH will pay me back when he can afford to.

When OH earnt a fair bit more than me he would pay a bigger share of the rent and council tax and if we went out for dinner he would insist on paying. Likewise when he was made redundant I would pay for as much as he would allow me to!

It's never going to be perfect but I do think it's a cheek not to contribute a bit more if you're a lot better off than your partner. Everyone should have a bit of spending money left over to go on any other bits you need and having a bit of a social life- it's really sad that OP is clearly struggling and her OH doesn't seem to care.

I suggest showing this thread to him- it might give him the wake-up call he needs!

74jax

Gavin83 wrote: »

I don't think either partner should be any worse off in the relationship than if they were out of it.

I'm not sure this is true. My OH lived in his appartment which he owned outright and due to it's build had no heating costs whatsoever. Therefore he didn't pay rent/mortgage, heating costs or contents insurance. He moved in with me and is around £600 a month worse off. I too am around £200 a month worse off.

I think this is why it took us soooooooo long to move in together, it just wasn't financially viable.

However, for us both now, our rewards at living together may not be financial, but we gain in so many other ways :j

FBaby

I don't think your partner is a bad person, I think he is most likely a bit of a control freak and has decided that he is doing the right thing for both of you to save all the money for a deposit on the house. It is not as if he is telling you that it is fair he gets more disposable income at the end of the month and then go and spend it all on himself with no care that you don't get to have the same fun. He is most likely seeing it as being responsible for both of you.

The question is though, have you discussed how the house would be shared? Have you agreed that the deposit would be based on a joint payment and would you separate one day all would be divided 50/50 rather than him putting the deposit under his name and then try to claim it back if disputing share of the house.

consultant31

dark_lady wrote: »

Dave101t is a perfect example of what i meant.
Like i said, a worrying trend.
I rest my case!

I disagree, I think Dave101t has it just about right.

My DD and her husband had a joint account, joint everything and when the day came that she found out he had cheated on her and got some other girl pregnant, she also found out he had massive debts (£30,000) which he'd had since before they got married and kept very quiet about.

She was very lucky that, at the beginning, he felt so guilty about cheating that she managed to get him to sign the forms necessary to 'unjoin' their accounts so that she had no responsibility for the debts, before it all got very nasty.

Keeping finances separate doesn't mean you don't love and trust each other. Maybe a joint account for household bills would be advisable, but I see nothing wrong with separate accounts for savings.

DaisyFlower

I never expected my DH to pool money before we were married. Once married with a child, we changed to a joint account.

Its a relative short term relationship at just three years and I can see why he believes this way is best at present.