Money in relationships

Errata

Pinky120 wrote: »

Thank you for your replies.

I have been on the fence about other things with our relationship, but this is one of the issues that is currently causing some stress.

I do feel at this rate that he will have a nice house, but no one to share it with.

I feel awful talking to him about money, especially when Im asking for him to contribute more towards bills.

When we go out for meals/drinks (which isnt very often) I still usually pay towards the evening. I'll either buy the drinks or give money towards the meal.

Do you think Im a total mug?

Yes, without a shadow of a doubt. You haven't got a loving relationship, you've got a man in your life who is farming you for money.

Pinky120

Errata wrote: »

Yes, without a shadow of a doubt. You haven't got a loving relationship, you've got a man in your life who is farming you for money.

As hard as it is, i need to hear that. I dont want to leave him based on finances, but Im not able to do so many things because I cant afford to.

I want to save and travel the world, although at this rate Ill be 90 before I can

Gigglepig

Errata wrote: »

Yes, without a shadow of a doubt. You haven't got a loving relationship, you've got a man in your life who is farming you for money.

I think that is a bit harsh. He is clearly not ready to provide for her and support her financially, but that does not mean that he is farming her for money or exploiting her.

We also do not know what his intentions are, nor his long term plans.
Keep in mind that some people who would not financially support a boyfriend or girlfriend may still want to support a husband/wife.

Perhaps he plans on saving as much as possible to buy a lovely house to share with his family. Maybe from his point of view doing things this way ensures that they save up as quickly as possible, if he thinks that if the money were split differently, they would end up saving less because his girlfriend would spend it ;-)

Gigglepig

Pinky120 wrote: »

As hard as it is, i need to hear that. I dont want to leave him based on finances, but Im not able to do so many things because I cant afford to.

I want to save and travel the world, although at this rate Ill be 90 before I can

If you get another better paid job closer to home you should be able to save a lot more - independently of your partner. Best of luck with your plans.

sjc3

Any wrote: »

Opinion? To be blunt - he is an !!!!.

Me me me, comes to mind. What man, partner of 3.5 years let his partner struggle while having shed loads himself?
You moved for him - but he won't help you?

My OH earns more then me as well. About twice as much (but he also has debts and son from his first life).
If we paid everything 50/50 I would still be on the bus and wear rags. And I don't think it is fair in the amount of housework as well. Even my man (who is rubbish with money) can see that for someone earning the amount I do, paying half of all the bills (which are high as our house is in nice area) doing 70% of cooking and 90% of housework is simply not fair - that is not life.
There is more aspects then the actual cash-do you/does he realise this?

I pay about 40%, he pays about 60%. Plus he pays for meals out etc.

I completely agree. How convenient for him that you have moved near to where he works. Its your decision but if he is like this now I personally would see him as a very short term thing and move on. He sounds a right selfish '#=!"£&

dark_lady

This seems to be a very worrying trend which is reflected on these boards time and time again. In fact the reason i joined MSE in the first place was to comment on a thread similar to this which appeared on this board in late August/early September of last year.I cant remember the name of the thread now but i think the poster was called Lalalaladybird or something similar.
OP she was in a "relationship" similar to yours but had gone a couple of stages further along in life and had children with him.
He was so tight that she was walking around in THE ONLY PAIR OF SHOES SHE OWNED THAT WERE FULL OF HOLES. Her husband should have been ashamed.
She had tried to discuss it with him and got nowhere and my advice to her was to pay a visit to his workplace in said holey shoes. After all if he was so in the right and there was nothing wrong with her wearing those shoes then it wouldnt matter if she turned up at his workplace in them would it?!! We never did find out whether or not he let the moths out of his wallet.
But this seems to be a worrying trend because i have seen quite a few of the same sort or similar threads on here.
Could this be some men interpreting the notions of feminism and equality to suit themselves? To be honest i think feminism has done more favours for men that it ever did for women.
OP if you can find this old thread originally posted by Lalaladybird last year it might be an interesting read for you.

elvis86

I have to agree with many others, this doesn't sound like a very nice (or loving) set up.:(

My partner and I don't live together yet, but we've discussed it. He earns approximately twice what I earn, and has already insisted that when the time comes, he will pay 2/3 of the bills whilst I pay the other 1/3. I was initially slightly reluctant to agree to this, I'd never had a long term relationship before, am quite independent and like to feel that I pay my way. However, as time has gone on I've come to realise that he's absolutely right.

He loves me, so would never want to see me struggling to pay half of the bills when he could easily afford to pay a greater share (what decent person would?!). Similarly, I firmly believe that he should reap the rewards of being successful in his career, so under the plan he suggests he will still end up with more "spends" than me each month, reflective of the fact that he earns more. Even then, as now, I'm sure he would never see me go short or think twice about treating me when he could, as I would him.:)

We've also discussed the eventuality of a family, when of course things would be different. If I gave up work/worked part time to raise our children, I would anticipate that "his" money would become "our" money, and I'm 100% he wouldn't have it any other way.

Even without factoring in the fact that you moved to accomodate his job (resulting in significant additional commuting time and costs to you), he's not treating you very fairly. Surely you should be saving for a house deposit together, as opposed to him saving £1.5k a month whilst you struggle to afford to get to work and clothe yourself?:(

Pinky120

Gigglepig wrote: »

I think that is a bit harsh. He is clearly not ready to provide for her and support her financially, but that does not mean that he is farming her for money or exploiting her.

We also do not know what his intentions are, nor his long term plans.
Keep in mind that some people who would not financially support a boyfriend or girlfriend may still want to support a husband/wife.

Perhaps he plans on saving as much as possible to buy a lovely house to share with his family. Maybe from his point of view doing things this way ensures that they save up as quickly as possible, if he thinks that if the money were split differently, they would end up saving less because his girlfriend would spend it ;-)

Im not painting him in a very good light. Yes he is saving to buy a nice house and support his family one day. And yes if i decided, I would be part of that family, and have a large deposit for a house that he has saved towards, which is very generous.

My issue is at the moment, we are arguing constantly, and he is potentially saving towards a future with someone else, at the expense that Im struggling to save even £100 a month.

If the bills were fairer and we were both able to save together and still have a little left over for ourselves them I wouldnt even be asking these questions.

aliasojo

Pinky120 wrote: »

Im not painting him in a very good light.

If the bills were fairer and we were both able to save together and still have a little left over for ourselves them I wouldnt even be asking these questions.

Things are as they are. I don't think you can put any kind of spin on this to show him in a better light tbh. He's not being shown in a good light right now because he's not being fair.

I think your problem isn't really money, it's more to do with his attitude and blinkered interpretation of the situation. I wonder if things were reversed and he were in your shoes and you in his, would he still feel the same? I doubt it.

I'm sorry but it would seem he values his own financial situation and future plans more than he values you. I can't see any other reason why he would be happy to keep the status quo, knowing how you are placed financially.

split_second

surely finances in a couple are on a 'what works for the couple and no-one elses business' basis?