I need to leave so what’s stopping me? (very long sorry)

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

MadameCholet wrote: »

Well I'm sorry to disappoint you all but I cancelled the appointment to stall for more time:(

I had a terrible night last night with 16 yr old & 19 yr old fighting at midnight, 1 more bedroom door smashed to bits & 16 yr olds bedroom trashed. Both 2 & 6 yr old woke up terrified & had to sleep in my room & I've had no sleep at all.

DH being surprisingly ok with me but has said he will not have any of the children if I leave, I have no idea how I will cope with the eldest 2 together as 19yr old is now not moving out. Wondering what's the point of going if I have to take the eldest two & their anger & agrression with me?!

Eldest DS came round today, DH was predictably nasty to him asking him 'what are you doing here?' - he's always made to feel unwelcome. But get this DS doesn't think I should leave if it means we'll lose the house!!!

Had a sort of panic attack when it came to meeting the LL so phoned to cancel & said I would speak to him in the morning:(

Sounds harsh, but tell him (and them) 'Tough. You'll have to sort them somewhere else to live then, as I'm not forcing them to come with me'.

Reasonable is not bullying you and telling you that two abusers will have to go with you. Reasonable is shutting the f up and sorting the damage he has already done with them. Which he won't ever.

Just leave.

Let him deal with them fighting. Let them see him for what he really is. And it shows them that you are not prepared to tolerate either his abuse or their abuse of you. So will be a reality check for them before they have partners and children and batter them physically or mentally - ie, if you abuse people, they leave you.

MadameCholet

Well I am now in possession of the keys to my new home:j

It took a vodka & coke at 11am to give me the courage to do it but it's done now & the house is going to be my peaceful new home:j

I have tiny bubbles of excitement in my tummy but I am also worried sick about what I am about to do with regards the repercussions for my current house i.e. repossession & bankruptcy.

I have no idea where my 16yr olds going to want to live but I guess things will sort themselves out over time, I just hope if she wants to come with me she can live under my rules or else I will have to make her leave.

I hope & pray I have done the right thing and this doesn't backfire on me in years to come :undecided

Again thank you all for your support, it's been both comforting & motivating & a bit of an eye opener at times.

Sambucus_Nigra

Thank F*** for that!

Well done.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Oh, well done Madame Cholet!

We are all so proud of you for doing this - and although it will seem strange and quiet and sometimes a bit hard, you won't regret this when your little ones grow up thinking that they are nice, good people instead of ugly and worthless and don't think the only way to get what they want in life is to threaten to stab or batter or smash things up.

This is something you should never, ever, regret doing.

pigpen

YEAH!! Go You!!!

So.. what's next? When you moving? How are you moving?

You need to sort phoneline, utilities for new place.. and get a tesco delivery there so you have food for at least a week.. that makes a massive difference.

Childrens beds and spare bedding is a must..

I'd book a removal van for a time when hubby is out at work get it all loaded and shifted and gone while he is not there. Don't tell him when you are going... tell him after you've gone!

Don't forget your share of pans, crockery etc.. just box it all up it doesn't matter if it is a jumble just grab and run.

The 16 y/o .. I'd tell her you are leaving and while she is welcmoe to come with you she must abide by your rules.. no shouting, no violence etc.. it might do her good to be away from hubby and 19 y/o

You've jumped the big hurdle.. it gets easier from here on in.. you have somewhere safe to run.. now run.. and don't look back..

Jox

That's great news, congratulations! It's scary jumping into the unknown but you know that the life you have been living is a kind of hell so anything new has to be better than that!
My mum put up with my dad's bad temper and aggression and horrible comments for 40 years, us 3 kids all had abuse from him and have our own issues.
My mum always thought she couldn't leave him and developed agrophobia (sp), psoriasis and went blind for a few weeks!
She asked me about 10 years ago if she should leave him and because I was so screwed up and immature myself I told her not to! She stayed with him and almost went crazy with the stress.
She's still married to him but met a guy online who lives 250 miles away and she's gone to live with him. She's in her 60's but has started a new life and I hardly hear from her now. I feel sad cos it's like I've lost my mum, but I guess I didn't support her when she needed it.
Be free and enjoy your life, we only get one shot!

pupsicola

life_in_termoil wrote: »

OP I could of written your original post myself 3 years ago!!! The only difference being was that I was in Germany and had no support from anyone.

My advice to you would be to phone the LL and get the keys and leave ASAP. So what if the new house is not up to your expectations? You can sort this in time and make it your home. I left Germany with the kids, the dog and afew bin bags of clothes and thats it! BUT i have to say it was the best thing I ever did! Sure you will have doubts and the what ifs but you need to put things into perspective.

Starting afresh is what you all need. If the older ones dont want to come with you then thats their choice. My kids were 10, 11,15 and 18 at the time but the eldest 1 is now at university, another is at college doing his A levels. The youngest ones have behavioural problems and this is the backlash of staying in a violent relationship but we are getting the help we need and are working through are problems. Im not saying its easy its not but I feel if we had of stayed we would of been on the


as myself or my children or all of us would probably be dead by now!!

Can completely relate to this. It took for the police to tell me if we didn't leave it would only end one way, for me to decide once and for all that was it.

msb5262

Fantastic news - well done.

You have taken the first step, and remember that's always the most important one.

Please don't keep thinking that it was the wrong thing to do; it was actually the ONLY thing to do.

I love the way you describe it as your peaceful new home...it will be. This is the first day of the rest of your life.

Best wishes

MsB

pupsicola

That is fantastic news. I hope you and your two little kids will be happy in your new home. You have totally done the right thing and will never regret it. I hope in time your older children will realise what they are left with in their dad and will look at their own behaviour and change their ways.

BallandChain

I want to say congratulations on your decision and your new life. Just take one day at a time and try not to get over whelmed with moving and worrying about your old house. Slowly does it and take each day as it comes. Well done for being so brave!! Please update when you are able as you have quite a following!