I need to leave so what’s stopping me? (very long sorry)

Jox

nomuny wrote: »

.. give them a ring and update circumstances.. need to leave breakdown of relationship .. slots you straight at the top of the lists here etc

They already know why doesn't make any difference - you are given bidding points and up to yet am never the winner cos aven't enough points! just feel I need to point out hes not violent just name calling, etc and blows his top for what I think is no good reason. I'm gonna look at private rent if I can get help with deposit. I'l let you know how it goes can't carry on like this too much going on in all ares of my life none of it good.

I think when you are worn down by an abusive relationship whether physical, emotional or otherwise, you don't have the strength to do much about it, it takes all the fight out of you..... you will find the strength somehow to make your life better, you have the support of the people here and lots of good advice but although it's not going to be easy, you will be so proud of yourself when you improve your situation. Ultimately it is down to you. You can make it happen. Take it step by step and accomplish as many little things as you can and it will build up to a very big change in your life.

liney

http://www.artofeurope.com/larkin/lar2.htm - Larkin - warning, swearing.

Take the children and LEAVE. Your daughter is a product of this relationship and you need to put it right, and prevent your other two being subjected to this abuse. It is abuse: just because he yells instead of hits them it doesn't make it any less hurtful.

Your job is to protect your children, and you aren't protecting them my allowing their father to treat them like this.

Please see Woman's Aid.

JoJoB

nomuny wrote: »

.. give them a ring and update circumstances.. need to leave breakdown of relationship .. slots you straight at the top of the lists here etc

They already know why doesn't make any difference - you are given bidding points and up to yet am never the winner cos aven't enough points! just feel I need to point out hes not violent just name calling, etc and blows his top for what I think is no good reason. I'm gonna look at private rent if I can get help with deposit. I'l let you know how it goes can't carry on like this too much going on in all ares of my life none of it good.

Being emotionally abused, being intimidated, being controlled and being frightened in your own home IS Domestic Violence. He does not have to actually hit you for you to fear him.

Sometimes housing officers need a bit of insistence to get your case heard - unfortunate when you are at your lowest ebb and probably not very assertive. Sooooo, here is a checklist of things to do that will help you get put up a band and help your bidding process:

1. Talk to your GP - if you have symptoms of depression tell him so. If your children have symptoms of depression because of what is happening at home tell him so. If you still have a helath visitor for your kids go to the children's centre and tell them the situation. Be specific about how it is affecting them.

2. Your GP and health visitor should write a letter to your Housing Officer citing health and welfare concerns for you and your children should they stay in their current accommodation. Health and welfare concerns, especially regarding children will be the main focus of the housing department. They have a particular duty of care to children.

3. Call womensaid again - you say "to no avail" - what exactly did you ask them about? What were they unhelpful about? if they said you were not a DV victim then you got someone spectacularly untrained on the phone. Ring them again, state that you and your children are living in fear of violence,that you need to get out but have nowhere to go. They will have lists of local refuges you can go to, as will your local CAB if you go there.

4. Make an appointment with your local housing options team. Just call the council housing department and ask for exactly that. In the appointment you can explain your situation and find out exactly what help they are willing to get you. Hopefully the health visitor/GP letter will also be on file by then. Possibly they will help with deposit or give you emergency homeless status. This status would put you in Band A which would mean less of a wait for you.

4. Or go straight into a refuge with your children - womensaid or local DV charities will be able to find you one. From there you can apply for benefits and again, as you will be technically homeless as in temporary accommodation you will be able to apply to be put in Band A - so you can stay in refuge while bidding on properties.

Re ringing you at home when they know DV situation - MAKE A BIG BIG BIG FUSS about this. Ring council and ask how to make official complaint. This could get a woman seriously injured or killed if they are so inadequately trained as to do this.

Sweetie, you need to be assertive now. You need to stop saying "oh he's not really violent, he just shouts a bit" as people in authority will just check the "not violent" box in their heads and not pay you attention. Do not feel you have to play down the situation. You and your children are suffering and are being bullied.

pigpen

nomuny wrote: »

.. give them a ring and update circumstances.. need to leave breakdown of relationship .. slots you straight at the top of the lists here etc

They already know why doesn't make any difference - you are given bidding points and up to yet am never the winner cos aven't enough points! just feel I need to point out hes not violent just name calling, etc and blows his top for what I think is no good reason. I'm gonna look at private rent if I can get help with deposit. I'l let you know how it goes can't carry on like this too much going on in all ares of my life none of it good.

There is always a way... we will find it

You ort out one issue at a time and riding on that wave of success you get the energy to deal with the next thing. First is making sure your children are safe and provided for.

Some of the LL's are not bad they will add the deposit onto the rent each month for 6 months or a year so you can get around having to pay a lump sum up front.

Could you consider moving to another town where the housing situation is less dire?

Contact the womens refuge and homeless charities as suggested and see if they can help.. Are there any issues with your current home such as damp for example which may be affecting the childrens health? It can all be used to support a move.

ETA. Try the local womens centre too they deal with stuff like this daily and will have someone who can support you and be a friend.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Is that intended to sound aggressive/sarcastic? If you are responding to genuine attempts at making helpful suggestions with sarcasm or hostility, I think it shows that he is damaging you more than you realise. If I've misread it, then I'm sorry and I apologise.

The homelessness register is separate to the general housing list. Whatever they tell you at the council. I suggest you contact Shelter for help with that side of things. They can give extra advice on deposit schemes as well.

I didn't think it came across as hostile, I could just see the fear and exasperation and desperation.. and I am very sensitive.. like a flower

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

nomuny wrote: »

sorry

no intention to be any of those things just know that its not that easy because I ve been for advice from several places and in my area if you leave you've made yourself intentionally homeless and this doesn't count in your favour - know of one lady thatwas being hit by her hubby but it was still several months before she was given anywhere and unfortunately the housing availability situation is much worse now. I've been told to stay and keep bidding, they just don't seem to understand -they were told not to phone me at home regarding my housing application and yet have still done this. Thanks I will contact Shelter and see what they say. once again sorry for any offense caused.

Hey, no probs - my mistake - I was tired when reading it. I know that some civil servants don't do their jobs properly - that's how women can get killed. I'd also try seeing your local councillor/MP and explain what they're doing, as they have enough clout to point out to the head of housing that telling women that they aren't eligible for emergency accommodation under homelessness legislation - when they are as it is not reasonable for them to remain in the family home - and telephoning them at home in cases of domestic abuse is probably against the law and is negligent at the very least.

Did think it was possible I had misread it, but I'm about as sensitive as a housebrick at the best of times

life_in_termoil

nomuny wrote: »

.. just feel I need to point out hes not violent just name calling, etc

Psychological abuse is much worse than physical abuse!

Frogletina

life_in_termoil wrote: »

Psychological abuse is much worse than physical abuse!

I agree with this statement

Bruises fade and you don't remember the pain - but you can never forget that the way a person who is supposed to love you and care for you can make you feel worthless and you always remember the fear.

For years after I fled my first husband I shook whenever he came near (he was given access to his daughter)

My advice to anyone who suffers any type of abuse is to get out quick while you have the ability to, because the longer you leave it, the harder it will be. Abusers bring you to the brink of despair and you spend all your energy trying to keep them calm and you wait for the key in the door, scared not knowing how they will be when they come in

I left for the second and final time when he came home in the early hours when I was sleeping and woke his 16 month daughter up by shaking her and said 'now you've got something to do, get her back to sleep'

As soon as he left in the morning I packed a suitcase and left without a backwards glance with no idea of where I would stay that night - it had to be done

consultant31

life_in_termoil wrote: »

Psychological abuse is much worse than physical abuse!

This is easy to say when you're not being battered black and blue or having your teeth knocked out.

Better surely, and more accurate, to say that being psychologically abused is every bit as bad as being physically abused.

Madame Cholet, I'm so pleased that things are working out for you

angelil

MadameCholet and others in similar situations: sending you all my love and support x

MadameCholet

Wow I've not been on for a couple of days & have had an awful lot of catching up to do!

Thank you once again for your advice, support & encouragement, I can assure you it's not going to waste each & every post is helpful in one way or another.

I have been so busy with orders this week (I run a cake decorating business as well as working part time) that I haven't had time to do anything else - including post on here.

I am still currently living in the family home, though I have been moving some of my smaller belongings to the new house. Today I have been out shopping and bought things like a kettle, cutlery, crockery & ironing board etc and I am hoping to move out by the end of this week.

Things have been fairly quiet on the home front this week & I have to keep reminding myself why I am leaving - this is what always happens, I get to rock bottom & feel depserate to leave then things will be ok for a few days & I convince myself it's not that bad really.

I think when you live with a situation for so long you become immune to how bad things really are, an outsider looking in would be totally shocked at things I no longer even bat an eyelid at.

Strangely I do think I will miss my husband, we do spend an awful lot of time together normally so it will feel strange getting used to doing things on my own.

Nomuny - I hope you find the strength to do something about your situation one day soon. I know only too well how hard it is & I feel your still at that place where I have been for so long i.e. you know things are bad, you would like to leave but continue to put up with it partly because you are immune to how bad things really are, partly because a way out just doesn't seem possible & partly because doing anything about it is scarey. Fortunately for me my way out just fell into place when I needed it the most - I hope & pray that same happens for you.

I will keep you all update - though I can hardly believe that interest there has been!!