I need to leave so what’s stopping me? (very long sorry)

MadameCholet

I’ve been married to my husband for 18yrs (we’ve been together since I was 14 I’m now 40) we have 5 children and I think I’ve spent most of my married life wondering if I should leave him, I have left once before but came back because of guilt more than anything as the eldest 2 stayed with him because I didn’t have any room for them in my friends house.
He’s a good husband i.e. he does the shopping, helps lots with housework, is generous with money, is a hands on dad and really does love his children, BUT, he is a very angry very bad tempered person. Granted he isn’t too bad with me but he is constantly moaning at & bullying the children, the older 3 who are 21, 19 & 16 don’t like him very much at all and have told me to get a divorce loads of times. He shouts and swears at them and calls them the most awful vile things and I’ve lost count of the number of things he’s broken/smashed over the years in fits of temper….must be at least 20 mobile phones, god only knows how many tv remotes and he’s ripped dozens of t-shirts right off himself!
He’s not like this with the younger children, infact he’s really good with them but I can see that he’s just starting it with 6 yr old, she always ask me if daddy's going to work & cheers when I say yes.
He’s not like this 24/7 he just erupts then is back to normal again a short while later and I get on ok with him then but I don’t think a week (possibly a day) has gone by in our marriage where I haven’t threatened to leave him/kick him out. If he would leave our marriage would have been over years ago but he is very possessive & I can’t get him to go.
The last few months have been even more awful than usual as our 16yr old DD is being a teenage nightmare drinking, smoking, not coming home at night & being violent towards both me & her dad, I’ve had to call the police on several occasions to deal with her or find her. She’s constantly fighting with her older sister which terrifies the youngest 2 and she was arrested & charged (at my insistence) a couple of months ago for holding a kitchen knife to my throat during an argument.
We have debts as my husband was made redundant a couple of years ago and the job he has now is not as well paid and we are just about to enter into an IVA.
Life is hellish & I think I’m at breaking point, I’m starting suffering from depression, I’m on medication but I feel so down & I can’t pick myself back up like I usually do. I’ve spent the last few months more desperate & determined than ever to leave, I viewed a lovely house yesterday that I would love to move to but my resolve to get out is now wavering & I’m thinking to myself ‘it’s not that bad really’ - this has happened to me before & I hate myself for my lack of backbone!
One of the things that’s worrying me is how I will manage financially for the first couple of months until I get CB & TC's sorted.
Also if I leave my husband will not be able to afford the mortgage on the family home, there is a considerable amount of negative equity and it is likely to be repossessed.
This is probably going to sound awful, I do not want to take my 16yr old with me as she causes me so much stress & the younger two children get frightened by her behaviour as much as they do by my husbands. I was hoping that if she stayed with DH things would be calmer for both of them as they woul have less stress without all the rest of us around as the older two children are also about to move out of the family home.
Please someone help me to see sense & get out.

Buddingblonde

You seem to know what it is you want so now you need to break it into smaller manageable pieces. Which problem do you see being the first step? Work that out and then we can start helping you to find solutions.
Good luck xx

pigpen

We don't need to make you see sense you already do.. you have to make the decision to go and you have to do it.. My ex hubby was the same and I did 20 years of it and it is vile. 3 days after he left my 5 year old said 'it is so nice getting beakfast without dad screaming at us.'

3 weeks after he left.. I heard a noise in my house and had no idea what it was.. so I went to investigate.. it was DD2 laughing.. it was so long since I heard her laugh I had forgotten what it sounded like...

This is what happens when you take the fear out of children.. you won't regret it.

MadameCholet

Thank you both for your replies:)

I think I'm just worried that my moving out is going to start a whole chain of events financially that will mean I'll probably end up having to go bankrupt.


I'm worried about how I'll manage financially until I can sort out Tax Credits/Child Benefit & a new bank account.


I'm scared of ending up with a rogue Landlord that treats me badly & of ending up homeless if they decided to sell up -I'm a Housing Officer for the local council & hear all sorts of horror stories about private landlords.


I'm even worried about how my husband will cope having to find somewhere to live and how he will manage financially.


And ultimately I'm scared that moving out is the wrong decision as there will be no going back if I'm wrong.

jools27_2

If things are that bad for you and your kids, then is finance the most important consideration? I know its a biggie, but your health and sanity must be more important, and the safety of your kids. Ive been there with a shouting domineering bully, and the effect on the kids was phenomenal, the effect when he wasnt there was unbelievable, and was this that convinced me i had done the right thing

jinky67

MadameCholet wrote: »

I'm scared that moving out is the wrong decision as there will be no going back if I'm wrong.

Why would you want to go back? Cos it sure as Hell doesnt sound like a fun life for anyone.
It could be the best thing you ever do:cool:

pigpen

MadameCholet wrote: »

Thank you both for your replies:)

I think I'm just worried that my moving out is going to start a whole chain of events financially that will mean I'll probably end up having to go bankrupt.

If debts are in both names then he has a responsibility for the too.. and who cares/ What will they take from you if you were to go bankrupt? If you were in rented accomodation they can't take your home or your necessary furnishings or even your car if you need it to get to and from work.. your 42 inch plasma would go though You should look into his further because there is very little the can actually take.

I'm worried about how I'll manage financially until I can sort out Tax Credits/Child Benefit & a new bank account.

A bank account can be sorted online in about 10 minutes.. seriously..

I'm scared of ending up with a rogue Landlord that treats me badly & of ending up homeless if they decided to sell up -I'm a Housing Officer for the local council & hear all sorts of horror stories about private landlords.

They are few and far between...

I'm even worried about how my husband will cope having to find somewhere to live and how he will manage financially.

who gives a flying? He is a grown man and responsible for his own behaviour and the consequences of his actions.


And ultimately I'm scared that moving out is the wrong decision as there will be no going back if I'm wrong.

Surely staying where you are living a nightmare and unhappy and it is affecting your childrens development is more of a wrong decision?

Getting out of any abusive relationship (yes it IS abusive!!) is so amazingly liberating.. you find ourself and your own strengths and you actually will blossom.

I maybe didn't quite go about it in the correct manner (he had been seeing someone else for about 3 months and has forced our oldest son to move out.. and he refused to leave) but I can honestly say it was probably the best thing I did in terms of my sanity and the childrens.

Buddingblonde

Dont worry about bankruptcy - it could be the financial break you need to get yourself on your feet. The house is in neg equtiy so as long as you dont have an assets it will give you the break from your volatile OH. Leaving the situation that you are in will only be a positive step for you to take. No matter what happens in the future you will never wish you were back living there.

Buddingblonde

You can go and open a new bank account tomorrow - just open a basic bank account in your own name - child benefit can be changed in a phone call.
Do you work? If so you apply for WTC and CTC. If not you apply for Job Seekers or even see your GP and apply for ESA in the short term (the GP would need to write a sickline but under the circumstances I am sure a sympathetic GP would do that given the situation).
Have you any family who can put you up or help out while you are getting money together?

Sorry just re read your earlier posts - surely as a housing officer you will know what you are entitled to as a homeless person - do you have any contacts with womens aid? They should be able to support you also.

Indispensable_Hobbes

Something I read once on a friends Facebook info 'Its always better to regret something you've done, rather than something you haven't.'

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Caroline_a

Have you thought that your 16 year old may behave like she does because she doesnt like her home life...? I don't mean to sound harsh, but sometimes we need to put our children first. Your husband sounds a nightmare for both you and your kids. Being in that environment can never be good for kids. Good luck with your choices.