I need to leave so what’s stopping me? (very long sorry)

belfastgirl23

Just to address one practical concern, not all landlords are awful. I rented privately for 12 years. Yes some places I lived were better than others but never any problems with landlords per se. And if you work in housing surely you could identify some of the decenter ones?

It does sound like you have to get out. Perhaps you could have a proper talk with your daughter and tell her that you are really worried about her but you are also worried about protecting your younger two children and see what she has to say? You would probably need your escape plan in place first though.

And second the advice re women's aid, they're fab.

ailuro2

Living with a bad tempered aggressive bully has shown your 16 year old how to behave.... do you really want the younger two to end up the same?;)

Life's too short, and you only get one chance at it.... your older kids are big enough to get a flat by themselves, the younger three will need you for a bit longer, but you can manage that in rented accommodation somewhere... without wasting money replaceing broken mobile phones.

pinkclouds

Please don't abandon your middle child when you leave. You just can't take all the kids and leave one behind. Even if the older two have already left home, that's what it will feel like - room for all of them except her. If you want to... I'm not sure how to put this... ask her to leave home, then do so from your new home (after you've moved in together) so she is leaving from the same starting point as her siblings.

I appreciate her behaviour is impacting on her younger siblings but I feel leaving her behind is the wrong message - the younger kids will then "know" that if they are badly behaved then mommy will just leave them behind and walk away and all your kids will "know" that your love is conditional. I don't think that's what you really want for them or what you really feel about them.

Anyway, wishing you strength and luck with your future. x

duchy

I think your sixteen year old deserves a chance.
Sit her down once you have your plans in place and spell it out-That she is included in your plans but the point is to leave the aggression and anger behind -and if she brings it with her then you will be helping her to find alternative living arrangements. Make sure she knows you really mean it. For God's sake don't leave her behind with her Father as he'll likely take out his anger and frustration at the situation on her !
Be honest with her -she may welcome the new start -or may surprise you by having other ideas of her own that include living elsewhere and not with you.

Please talk to Women's Aid -about ALL of this-including your daughter . They WILL help and have heard it all before and are non judgemental.

sjc3

MadameCholet wrote: »

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read & reply, your replies all confirm what I already know I need to do yet I have still been up most of the night questioning my decision.


Though last I night I was once again adamant I was going as my husband was being so nasty to my eldest on their way home from work telling him, on a crowded tram, to 'turn round I don't want to see your face you ugly c**t' my son has acne so this is quite sensitive about how he looks and my husband knows this. My son has just moved out & still has to put up with him as they work together.


I fully understand those of you who have said my 16yr olds behaviour is linked to DH's behaviour, I think that to but I also think she would have been a difficult teenager regardless as she is so stubborn & strong willed & has always rebelled against boundaries & the word 'no'.


Taking her with me would, in my head, make moving out pointless as the youngest 2 are scared by her behaviour so they would still be living in an emotionally damaging environment.


Why oh why can't I just do this:(

This thread has actually made me cry. I feel so sorry for all of you. It is a huge step to leave but I do think you would be making the right decision. I agree with other posters who say not to leave your 16 year old with your husband. His behaviour has already caused such distruction to her. She would feel abandoned. It must be very frightening for the younger two when all this is going on. I would urge you to take all three though and turn to anyone and everyone for help. I feel you could all do with alot of counselling.
Your daughter will not improve or be okay if left with her dad.

Are there any friends or family who could put you up short term just till you get back on your feet. Make that move and start living life happily. It is what you all deserve.

I think what your husband said to your son is beyond cruel. Lots of teenagers have acne. He must have felt awful hearing his dad say that to him.

shellsuit

If you tell him all the time you're leaving, then you don't, then he doesn't have change his attitude and behaviour does he because he knows you won't go.

As for the way he spoke to your son on the tram, I would have smashed his teeth in for that ~ how DARE he speak to his child in that way. It's disgusting!!

Get some stuff packed, get the kids together and get the fk away from him.

I can take anything thrown at me, but throw it at my kids and that's IT.

I'd take your daughter with you too. If you leave her, she's gonna get the brunt of it from him if you leave ~ that's not fair at all. Give her a chance to live a normal childhood while she's still young enough to.


Oh and the thing that is stopping you, is you are weak. Why else would you put up with that crap and have your kids live it too?

ETA :

is a hands on dad and really does love his children

How does he love them when he treats them the way he does and speaks to them in the way he does?

If that's what you call love, I'd hate to see what he'd do if he disliked them.

Sambucus_Nigra

duchy wrote: »

I think your sixteen year old deserves a chance.
Sit her down once you have your plans in place and spell it out

No - just say 'c'mon, grab your things and lets all get out of here' - and apologise for not doing it sooner.

By sitting her down and spelling it out you are expecting her to be trouble. Which will in turn mean that she expects to continue this way.

Only sit her down if she carries on....

jinky67

shellsuit wrote: »

Oh and the thing that is stopping you, is you are weak. Why else would you put up with that crap and have your kids live it too?

Bit harsh Shell, its hard when you have lived it with for so long. I do know where you are coming from though:cool:

shellsuit

jinky67 wrote: »

Bit harsh Shell, its hard when you have lived it with for so long. I do know where you are coming from though:cool:

It's not harsh though (even though it sounds like it), it's the truth. If the OP was stronger, she would have been out of there a long time ago.

I can understand why it's hard for women who can't make that break, it's what they're used it, they're driven down, they think they're not worth anything ~ all because they are weak. But not weak in a bad way, just weak compared to be strong enough to deal wit it.

jinky67

shellsuit wrote: »

It's not harsh though (even though it sounds like it), it's the truth. If the OP was stronger, she would have been out of there a long time ago.

I can understand why it's hard for women who can't make that break, it's what they're used it, they're driven down, they think they're not worth anything ~ all because they are weak. But not weak in a bad way, just weak compared to be strong enough to deal wit it.

let you off then
I did know thats what you were meaning.:)