I need to leave so what’s stopping me? (very long sorry)

busiscoming2

Yes you must leave, for you and your children's sakes.

Open a bank account today online or tommorow at a branch, when I left my ex I tried to open an account with a couple of banks (not ones we had accounts with) but because I was a non earner they wouldn't entertain me. So as a final try I approached one of the banks we had a joint account at, and even though it was in overdraft they immediately opened a sole named account for me. So don't give up if you are at first refused.

Take the house you have viewed if you like it, you can always move later if it isnt right.

Please don't stay with this bully any longer - stand back and look at the hurt he is doing to you all. That will give you the determination to make a good, happy and peaceful life for yourself and your children.

Hermia

sjc3 wrote: »

I think what your husband said to your son is beyond cruel. Lots of teenagers have acne. He must have felt awful hearing his dad say that to him.

I have a couple of friends whose fathers were like this calling them "pizza face" and "ugly fat cows" and one wouldn't walk down the road with his daughter because he was too embarrassed to be seen with her. They are both really screwed up now and one has problems with anorexia and self-harm. When your own parent puts you down it can totally screw up your life which is why you have to get out. As someone else said a loving father and good dad would not treat his children like this. You claim he is a good dad, but you haven't actually given any examples of this. And definitely take your daughter with you even if you do eventually have to ask her to leave. She will feel utterly abandoned otherwise and will just get worse. And remember you only have one life. Do you want to be on your death bed wondering what might have happened? In five years time you could have a new loving gentle partner and happy relaxed children.

sjc3

Look at it this way. If you stay put with your husband it will destroy your two little kids lives. They will either be really badly traumatised, scared and unhappy kids. Or they will go off the rails like your teenage daughter and start behaving the way your husband does. You live what you see and learn.

Ask yourself what you really want for your kids. ALL of them. Get all of you out of there. Turn to any friends or family that can help. Finances are the last of your worries right now. What counts is your chidlrens welfare.

If a friend of mine or any relative were suffering as you all are I would take them in and help them out as much as I could without question.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Pack everything. Then, at the last minute, say to your 16 year old 'I'm leaving. We're leaving because I am not prepared to have anyone treat me or my children badly ever again. I want you with me, because you are my child, I love you and always will - but as you are older, you have a choice.'

Sounds harsh, but it stops disruptive and damaged children telling their father in advance, and if her eyes light up at the prospect of escaping him, you know that the environment is a large part of the issue. After all, if she's been called an ugly c or suchlike as well as her brother, and you have stood by and let him, then she's going to be pretty mad at you.

And if she is left there, what's he going to do? 'You're so hideous, even that b of a mother didn't want you tagging along'.

At least she has been given the choice to stay and put up or go with you. She may not want to go with you, but tell her whatever she chooses (and you're afraid she has 5 minutes to do so), she can come to you at any time because you love her. That way if she is paralysed by fear (like you have been) confused by her anger towards you, she knows she can change her mind.

I would also suggest that you move heaven and earth to help your son get another job before you end up having to identify his body from committing suicide. (or visiting him in prison because he has snapped and shoved his father off the tram platform)



Bank accounts, getting partial HB and the like is manageable. Plenty of people do it every year. If the first place is rubbish, you move on. Apply to the council as homeless due to domestic abuse. If you're a housing officer, you have to hand your application to your boss to deal with, but they still have to treat you with respect.

Protecting your children from having their lives destroyed by an abuser is essential.

You can do it.

nomuny

unfortuately when you are in this situation its not easy and many of us have no support at all. I think you maybe don't find the strengh to leave until you are at absolute rock bottom a place I seem to be getting closer to everyday.

MadameCholet

Again I thank everyone who has taken the time to respond in such a non judgemental manner because I know some people will find it difficult to understand why I'm still here.


Every single post has helped & given me strength in some way or other - even the poster who said I am 'weak' I can only agree with them & say 'I know am'.


What I just want to clarify though is that, although my husband behaves in the way he does, none of us are actually scared of him, we all just give back as good as he dishes out & I always stick up for the children when he starts on them - no way would I just sit back & say nothing. It is however such a stressful & unpleasant environment in which to live with all this constantly going on.


Unfortunately the fear of an unknown future is still rendering me incapable of taking those first steps, though I am edging nearer & nearer to it each day.


Today I am viewing the property again with my children and in the daylight so that I can be sure it is suitable.


I have spoken to my 16 yr old and told her if she choses to come with me she cannot continue to behave in the manner that she has been & her answer was 'whatever I'll stay with dad then'!


My husband now knows of the plans I'm making and just sits with his head in his hands wallowing in self pity.

sjc3

MadameCholet wrote: »

My husband now knows of the plans I'm making and just sits with his head in his hands wallowing in self pity.

This proves how strong you are. He is sat with his head in his hands because he knows without you he is nothing. He will never admit it but he knows why you are leaving and that eventually when your finances are sorted, you will all be so much better off without him.

I am sorry that your daughter responded the way she did. Do take those first steps and move youself and the other children away. Before you go offer that lifeline to your daughter again. She may well throw it back in your face but she can never say you didn't try to help her. A few days/weeks with her dad and she may well change her mind. What you are asking of her is not unreasonable.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Don't waver now - most bullies fall apart when they lose their victims, as they know they won't have a way to make them feel big anymore.

Shouting back doesn't make the environment your children have grown up in any healthier now, has it?

Sounds like your 16 year old has made her choice. Obviously, as long as she knows your door is always open to her behaving like a decent human, you have done all you can for her. The two of them may be perfectly happy together.

So you have done everything right, and I think you can leave with a clean conscience that you haven't rejected any of your children, but that you are doing what is best for them. All of them.

Keep on - get the bank account, get moving, as stopping now when he gets all sad and teary eyed or incredibly aggressive would only give more power to him and your 16 year old.

Even if he doesn't hit you, getting stabbed by your daughter instead isn't exactly proof that everything is OK at home.

consultant31

MadameCholet wrote: »

Though last I night I was once again adamant I was going as my husband was being so nasty to my eldest on their way home from work telling him, on a crowded tram, to 'turn round I don't want to see your face you ugly c**t' my son has acne so this is quite sensitive about how he looks and my husband knows this. My son has just moved out & still has to put up with him as they work together.

If I'd been you in this situation, I'd have punched him, crowded tram or not. Your children can't leave him without you - they need you to stand up for them.....gather your courage, your kids and your bits and bobs and just go.

Have you got parents who will take you all in temporarily? If not, what about a womens refuge for a while till you get acommodation sorted out?

(((hugs)))

1more?

hi madame

i have friends whos family was similar your situation, there are 8 children 3 daughters & 5 sons,
the 3 daughters have all told me its not their dad they blame its their mother !!!! because she never left, all 3 now have their own children and cant understand their mother not protecting them enough
some of the sons are now like the father was !!

i understand how difficult it must be to change life as you know it but surely both you and your children deserve better than this
xx