I need to leave so what’s stopping me? (very long sorry)

nomuny

sounds like my life except some of my 5 have left and do now gwt on with him better (probly cos he has to make an effort now or they wouldn't come) I'd love to leave but due to loads of stuff some probly excuses probly never will. If you've got the chance do youself and the kids afavour do it!! All the best x

JBD

Madamecholet, your post is so sad. Please get help straightaway, from citizens advice, womens aid or ask a solicitor for a free half hour consultation. Of course the prospect of walking out on such a long term relationship [over half your life] must be very daunting but there is help available for you.
Financial problems can be overcome, there is plenty of good advice on this forum, and many people who have gone through similar situations, and survived to live happier lives. Your mental health and self esteem [not to mention that of your children] are worth more than any amount of money.
Best of luck to you. Please do what is best for yourself and your children.

*max*

I agree with everyone that you need to leave. But please don't do that without asking your daughter if she wants to come with you. She's obviously having a really hard time too, and she WILL see it as you abandoning her; she will never forgive you. She won't be a teenager forever. I know it would be easier to just up and go, but you MADE her, she's your child. You can get her some help. You said you felt like leaving her with your husband...When you've been through what you have with him, do you really want to put a 16 year old girl through it too? Don't give up on her.

MadameCholet

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read & reply, your replies all confirm what I already know I need to do yet I have still been up most of the night questioning my decision.


Though last I night I was once again adamant I was going as my husband was being so nasty to my eldest on their way home from work telling him, on a crowded tram, to 'turn round I don't want to see your face you ugly c**t' my son has acne so this is quite sensitive about how he looks and my husband knows this. My son has just moved out & still has to put up with him as they work together.


I fully understand those of you who have said my 16yr olds behaviour is linked to DH's behaviour, I think that to but I also think she would have been a difficult teenager regardless as she is so stubborn & strong willed & has always rebelled against boundaries & the word 'no'.


Taking her with me would, in my head, make moving out pointless as the youngest 2 are scared by her behaviour so they would still be living in an emotionally damaging environment.


Why oh why can't I just do this:(

nomuny

I know exactly how you feel this is how I am all the time, it is hard but I still hold out the hope that one day I'l go unlike you I don't have my own income so would b e even more financially stuck than you I'm thinking of you and willing you to have the strength I haven't got. sending you hugs. x

Sambucus_Nigra

Taking her with you would probably be the best thing to ever happen to her.

icelandic_queen

If ANYONE, never mind my ex OH spoke to any of my children like that, I'd be doing time!!! Please don't think I'm having a go at you but I was in an abusive relationship and wasn"t always a strong person. Sometimes we have to take a leap of faith and TBH I'd have lived in a tent in a field rather than spend another day with my ex. You CAN do this, you MUST do this for not only your sake but your children. I agree with *MAX* re your daughter. She is only a kid and I do think what has gone on at home has had some bearing on her behaviour. Have you had a chat with her re leaving your husband, you could suggest that she comes with you and lay down the rules and stick to them. She needs you now or else she will think that what she witnesses with your marriage is the norm and may make some really bad decisions in future. Do you really want history to repeat itself? If you don't go this time start making plans to go sometime in the future. Get the important docs together, passports, birth certs, mortgage docs, and pack some bags with some clothes for you and the kids. Please phone Women's Aid as well and they will help you.

happy35

I think you should leave for your own sanity and you will be saving your youngest children from the long term effect of a life spent walking on eggshells because they dont want to upset dad.

Your 16 year old daughter may improve if she is taken out of an environment that is ruled by your husbands mood, it sounds as if she is really unhappy and confused about how she feels. Counselling may help her but understand that a lot of teenagers dont liketo talk about how they are feeling, but a change of environment may eventually stop her feeling like this. I feel awful saying this but you have brought your children up in this unhealthy environment and now you need to help them move on and realise that they dont have to put up with it.

Money is important but is not everything, it will never replace growing up feeling safe, loved and not living in fear

I really feel for you and hope that you can find the strength to leave and give yourself and your children the chance to be happy

Mum_of_Boys

When I was in an abusive relationship, it was MY decision to stay.

As soon as he started being verbally abusive to my then 4 year old I found the strength and courage to leave.

I found this strength for my son, he couldn't choose, so I chose for him.

I felt that he could do/say what he liked to me it was my choice, but when he started on my son I had to choose for him.

We got out and it was hard starting over but it was the best decision I've made in my life.

Please get out for all your sakes, it won't be easy but remain positive x

jinky67

MadameCholet wrote: »

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read & reply, your replies all confirm what I already know I need to do yet I have still been up most of the night questioning my decision.


Though last I night I was once again adamant I was going as my husband was being so nasty to my eldest on their way home from work telling him, on a crowded tram, to 'turn round I don't want to see your face you ugly c**t' my son has acne so this is quite sensitive about how he looks and my husband knows this. My son has just moved out & still has to put up with him as they work together.


I fully understand those of you who have said my 16yr olds behaviour is linked to DH's behaviour, I think that to but I also think she would have been a difficult teenager regardless as she is so stubborn & strong willed & has always rebelled against boundaries & the word 'no'.


Taking her with me would, in my head, make moving out pointless as the youngest 2 are scared by her behaviour so they would still be living in an emotionally damaging environment.


Why oh why can't I just do this:(

Because it is a major change for everyone, because your OH has beaten you down so you doubt yourself. Please speak to womans aid, at least find out what your options are first;)

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm

His behaviour is and will continue to affect your kids unless something is done.

Now thats not said to put pressure on you at all, but I do believe your DD's behaviour is down to his and probably feeling helpless herself

Can you take the older kids out for the day and talk to them as adults and let them know how things stand?

:grouphug: