Please Please help me - husband walked out earlier today

quietheart

lindyloo77 wrote: »

My emotions are all over the place. Managed to get the girls to school. Spent alot of time reflecting. I've not been the best wife, My anxieties have put alot of pressure on our relationship, I felt I wasn't able to do things and relied on him, which in turn did my self esteem no good and we've created a dependancy where I feel I can't be as good as he is and let him take over.
My daughter has been waiting months for him to put up a light in her room, I told her yesterday that I would do it and she asked "will YOU be able to do that?" seems everyone thinks I can't cope.
He messaged this morning asking if I wanted him to let the school know we have seperated. I was SO angry I replied saying that I did love him but I don't NEED him to do anything and am coping on my own (even if the last bit isn't true).
Why have I let myself be such a victim for so long?

Don't be hard on yourself. You've not been a victim. You both fall into different roles. Your daughter just thought it would be dad's job to change the light, so would my kids doesn't mean a thing. You are now going to show her that females can be independent and valued in their own right.
You sound strong today. Anger is good it will help you through.
And do let school know, they'll watch our for your kids and double check anything they are unsure of with you.
Good luck

cazbie16

Hi, my husband walked out on me and our 4 kids just over 4wks ago so know what you're going through emotionally. I to have suffered from differing levels of depression (mainly post natal) since my daughter was born 14 yrs ago. I have suffered with it more mildly after the births of my other 3, but have managed it without anti-depressants. I too was just beginning to feel like a cloud had begun to lift when he decided to leave. There is another woman involved although he says that a serious relationship hasn't been started as yet. He puts it mainly down to stress of work and debts and us drifting apart. I have asked him to write down exactly what he feels went wrong to help me work through the causes, cos at the moment I'm wracking my brain for reasons and its driving me mental. He has also agreed to go to Relate/mediation to sort through the causes and sort out legal side. Give him his due he hasn't put me down in front of his family and is still ringing to check me and kids ok, he hates that he's hurting me but felt suicidal himself.

The rawness you're feeling will come and go in the coming weeks. Try and surround yourself with friends and family who can give you a shoulder to cry on and keep yourself busy with planning your new life without him. The weekends are the worst for me, especially as he has had them every other weekend, so I would advice keeping them filled if you can.

Hope we both can get through this with our head held high, good luck and big hugs xx

gambit27

TBagpuss makes a good point, wouldn't hurt to contact the CSA, but I would definately rather have an agreement via lawyers as then you can take him to court if he deviates from the agreement, but not if it's through CSA.

Also good point about the locks, change them now, I didn't, and came home to my ex on the couch watching TV with MY electricity one night, locks were changed after I managed to get him to leave!!!

Totally agree with Poppyoscar too, you are sounding so much stronger already give yourself a pat on the back, and keep with it! Keep updating how it's going, seems like you need some support right now xxx

pinkykat

Really sorry for you and your children. Big letters though DO NOT LEAVE THE FAMILY HOME UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. This was not your fault when this happened to me I became very strong partly for the childrens sake.
First seek advice properly. Go and see a good solicitor that does family law. Then sort out your tax credits. Any bank accounts that are joint put a stop on them until things are sorted including credit cards.
It is in his best interest that the payments for the family home are kept up to date and if you are still speaking to him then that has to be made clear.
I know it sound daft but any txt or phone calls make a record of them and also what he is saying to you.
Even going to the citizens advice is a good thing because they can point you in the right direction.
As far as the CSA is concerned they like to advise you to make your own arrangements because they take a fee from the money given if you are in work. If you know your husbands income then you can go online via the CSA and work out how much is should be giving you. I must of been one of the lucky ones because they have given me good advice and they will calculate how much he should be giving you per month.
At first they were collecting the money for me then last year changed it so my ex is giving me the money direct via standing order so no fees taken.
It might sound daft but, make a list of things you need to do its better than things going round in your head.

lindyloo77

It was arranged that he would pick the girls up from school tomorrow, when he phoned to say goodnight to the girls he said he wanted t take them to school aswell. I told him i didn't think that was a good idea. I know when they see him they will cry and I didn;t want them going to school upset and waiting all day to see him again. He wasn't happy with that but said he'd accept it. I said rather than us fall out I would ask the girls what they wanted and they said for him to just pick them up (which he heard).
He's coming around tomorrow, don't know what to do. I love him I want my family back together. I'll change, I'll try.
Don't feel strong right now. My heart is breaking.

SingleSue

lindyloo77 wrote: »

My emotions are all over the place. Managed to get the girls to school. Spent alot of time reflecting. I've not been the best wife, My anxieties have put alot of pressure on our relationship, I felt I wasn't able to do things and relied on him, which in turn did my self esteem no good and we've created a dependancy where I feel I can't be as good as he is and let him take over.
My daughter has been waiting months for him to put up a light in her room, I told her yesterday that I would do it and she asked "will YOU be able to do that?" seems everyone thinks I can't cope.
He messaged this morning asking if I wanted him to let the school know we have seperated. I was SO angry I replied saying that I did love him but I don't NEED him to do anything and am coping on my own (even if the last bit isn't true).
Why have I let myself be such a victim for so long?

My boys always used to give me that dubious look too....now they know that their madcap mum will try anything rather than pay out for a man who can.

They have renamed my exploits, Mrs Bodge and sons :rotfl:

hm71_2

sweety be strong- i know all situations are different- my husband just up & went one day i was devastated- he kept ringing saying he loved me etc.. but couldnt live with me as i was such a terrible parent/wife- my depression was draining him etc... 9 months he played this game telling my kids he just wanted us all back together as a family, but he would never tell us where he lived it came to light that he was living with another woman and had been seeing her for 7 months before he left- my heart was wrenched out & i didnt think i would ever recover. anyway here i am 13 months later divorced hubby tried to divorce me for unreasonable behaviour my solicitor pushed for his adultry- he didnt dare go for custody as even though my medical condition was serious- depression ( sorry to say a suicide attempt), heart attacks etc, it didnt stop my parenting skills.
i can only say go to the jobcentre, phone tax credits etc look on turn2us.org to see what help you may get... life will get better for you- i look at it now that my ex done me a huge favour I have met the most wonderful man- my children are doing so well & although we dont have a lot of money to live on we enjoy every day- my ex is miserable- his girlfriend through him out when he lost his job, he has shacked up with a 2nd woman now on his 2nd engaement in 13 months & is about to be moved again for non-payment of rent.
so look forward to a happy productive laugh with your children- you are stronger than you realise.
Do not change for him- you dont have to be a better wife/mother you are great he just wanted his cake.

quietheart

hm71 - really glad things worked out so well for you. well done.

gambit27

Please try to stay strong, remember, depression is an illness, you can't help the way you feel, and as your husband he should have been there for you. I know this is hard to hear, but he was having an affair rather than support you, his wife, he is the only one who's done wrong here and do not let him make you feel otherwise! Don't agree to anything in relation to the split until you've spoken to a good family lawyer, do not let him guilt you into anything, and do not let him make all the decisions about the girls, money, the house, your lawyer will advise how best to tackle each situation as it arises. My lawyer has been like a thearapist, lawyer, advisor all rolled into one, she's been absolutely fantastic every step of the way, as will yours.

danaharrison

demir2424 wrote: »

Please stay strong for the children and think of the future - that is what I tell myself every day.

I found myself in a similar situation not so long ago. I was 7 months pregnant and my eldest was 22 months old - my soon to be ex husband came home from work, went upstairs, packed his suitcase and said that life was going too quickly in a direction he didnt like and that he needed some space and his social life back.
He had another woman and he wanted the house.

I found this forum to be very helpful. And some of the posters were really lovely and very thoughtful.

As others have already said, contact tax credits and get a single claim started, contact the csa and get a maintenance claim started, also look for a good solictor. My first solicitor advised me to move out of the family home and get on a free housing list and citizen advice told me to stop working, move into a bed and breakfast and live off benefits. I did neither.

My new solicitor has made it that I can stay in the family home until my youngest (who is now 1) turns 18, my ex has to pay the mortgage, but I forfit maintenance payments - which is fine by me. I still work and have a better job now.

I remember thinking that when he left my life was over - I cried for weeks, but now 17 months later - I would never take him back and me and my boys are doing ok. You will feel better in time - please go see your gp, even if it just for a chat if like me you don't want medication.

You are doing the right thing involving the children and not speaking badly of their dad, I have spoken badly about my ex infront of my eldest son (he is 3) and these days he is a very confused little boy.

My ex would and still does come and go as he pleases - he arrives in the middle of the night to see the boys or uses the house with his girlfriend when I am out. Unfortunately, there is not a lot to stop him doing this as it is still legally his home.

Speak to friends and family about your feelings, I didn't I tried to hide all my worries from the world and it did me no good.

Sorry for my rant. But just to let you know there are lots of people who have gone through or are going through similar situations and can understand your worries and feelings.

Please take care - you are not a useless wife or mum and your children will see this xxx

with ur ex letting himself in when he pleases and using ur home with his current gf i would get the locks changed in a heart beat! it may be his name on the deeds but its like ur landlord letting himself in when he ever he wanted to, no court in the land would stand for that and neither should you. u need to look out for whats best for you and your kids hunny and stuff his feelings x