Please Please help me - husband walked out earlier today

space_rider

elsien wrote: »

I'm fairly sure that this is incorrect. He may not be living there at the moment but it's still his house as much as the OP's and he does have the right to enter and retrieve his belongings. Please take legal advice before you start changing locks or taking any other such measures.

You can`t change the locks if it`s in both names.

debrag

lindyloo77 wrote: »

Thanks for the quick replies.
Harry- he has left me to be with another woman.
To be honest I'm so confused and if possible feel my heart has broken and I could die. Spent most of the day telling my 11 and 8 year old that we both love them. I've not said a bad word about their Dad to them and let them ring him earlier to say goodnight. All he said to me was he'll collect them from school on Tuesday.
I don't want to give the house up but feel he will get what he wants as he seems to think this whole thing is my fault. I'm sure most of it pobably is but do think he should take some responsibility.

He's the one at fault, depression won't go down as the cause of the break up on divorce papers but adultery will. No relivance on the house though.
Sound like you're better off without him.
Not your fualt for having depression, his fuatl for looking elsewhere and not supporting you!

quietheart

lindyloo77 wrote: »

I am an anxious person but it is only lately that I have felt my husband sometimes feeds my anxieties. In the last couple of months I have wanted to take control of how I feel and look at the underlying reasons for my recurrent depression. I have an appointment with a psychological department next week in the hope of starting Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.
I have lost wieght and started taking more pride in myself and I thought he was happy about this. He says I'm just too much hard work and over analyse everything.

Well done for getting everything ready for school, you are functioning, you have got the kids to school so you are doing well considering you must be in shock.
I found your above post interesting and though it's terribly tough for you I think it's really telling that you were beginning to realise the problems in your relationship. You were taking control, you were on the road to feeling well again, you have lost weight, you have started taking more pride in yourself. Maybe this scared him and he thought you might end up in a stronger position than he'd be happy with.
You must feel you are going through hell but I honestly believe you and your children will be better off without this man. Can you get signed off work for now so you can concentrate on benefits/financial situation etc?

gambit27

Firstly, I have to say AVOID the CSA if you possibly can, I'm still waiting for maintenance nearly 5 years down the line from my ex! Get yourself to a good lawyer ASAP, and tell they you want a maintenance agreement drawn up, that way, he's legally bound to give you and the girls x amount each week/month, if he stops, you can take him to court, which you wouldn't pay for as your on a low income. The CSA are an absolute nightmare, and should only be used as a last resort in my opinion.

Ask your lawyer about keeping the house, my aunt was in a similar situation, and as part of the settlement, they surveyed the house, noted what was profit, ie value - mortgage, and she has to give him half of this back when the kids are out of full time education, in your case 8 years down the line minimum, might well benefit you to do this now too as house prices are down! If he wants the house, he will need to give you half the profit of the house now, or as soon as the details are settled with your respective lawyers, as you are the parent with care.

I would also get contact in place for the girls, and agreed via lawyers, decide on days/nights your husband should have the girls, and days/nights you should, get that all settled by agreement too if you can, that way the girls know where they stand and it's not just a case of him picking and choosing when he see's them.

Get yourself down to the Job Centre, find out what benefits your entitled to, you'll get 25% off your council tax as a single person, plus definately child tax credit, and working tax credit. Get on the phone to council tax and tax credits today, you can apply over the phone and your payments should start almost immediately! If you have childcare for the girls, you'll also get that paid considering your income.

You must be feeling upset, betrayed and angry with him right now, use this to fight for what you and the girls deserve, which is a roof over your head, money to take care of the girls, and a consistent relationship with their Father. Do not let him convince you this is your fault, if he had an affair, it's his downfall not yours. He chose to walk out, so do not feel guilty, this was his choice, his blame on you is him trying to palm his guilt onto you, don't let him do it. Get strong, for you and the girls, you WILL get through this, and you'll feel a million times more confident at the end of it.

TBagpuss

I'm sorry to hear of your situation.

You might find http://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/ useful - you will find lots of others in a similar situation.
In the short term:

- DON'T move out
- DO make sure you are applying for all benefits / tax credtis you are entitled to
- DO contact the CSA if your hsuabdn does not make arrangements to pay maintenace for the children (or to pay the mortgage or other outgoings in lieu of mainteace)
- DO give yourselve time - your husband may well want to push things along - he has obviousy been thinking about this, and making plans for a while, he has had time to think about his options, to process ay emotions he has on the marriage break up et., and he has gone off to an new relationship. You have not had time to do any of those things, and you are likely to need some time to come to terms with the end of your marraige and to get through the initial shiock & start thinking about the future. Don't let him push you into dealing with things too quickly - it is reasonable to need some breathing sapce. A marriage break down is very rarely 100% the fault of one person or of the other, your ex probaby feels guilty for how he has behaved and if trying to blame you in order to justify his own actions. Don't get drawn into the blame-game. Ehose fault it is is titally irrelevent from a legal perspective, and you have enough to deal with at present without him guilt-tripping you as well. You are not responsible for him or his actions, focus on your needs and your children's needs.

Good luck
DO see a solicitor so you are clear where you stand (A good soliicitor can also act as a 'buffer' between you & your ex until you feel able to start dealing with him direct. You may well be entitled to Legal Aid. Lots of solicitors offer an initial free interview so you can, if you want, see more than one different solicitor and find one who you feel comfortable talking to.
DON'T blame your self.

TBagpuss

PS - if you can stay away from the CSA, do. But do be aware that they cannot back date maintenace, so if yourex is not currently providingsupport one way or another (and in the short time, it might be just as useful to have him paying the mortgage and/or bills rather than paying maintence direct)
But if he is not providing that support than it does not hurt to register with them, that way they will calculate mainteace from now, not from some point in the future. If he then offers to pay direct you can always cancel with the CSA.
Even if you don't use the CSA, look at their website to work out roughly what he should be paying.

TBagpuss

space_rider wrote: »

You can`t change the locks if it`s in both names.

Yes you can. You are one of the home owners. However, strictly speaking, if you change the locks he is entitled to a key, if he requests one.

SingleSue

Lindyloo, don't ever ever think of yourself as rubbish just because your husband says you are.

My husband blamed me too for the breakup of our marriage, apparently I was a crap wife, a crap mother, crap in bed and I made two of my boys autistic and because of that, he was forced to sleep with another woman.

By the time he left, I had absolutely no self confidence left, felt like the poo'iest mother a child could have, an absolute failure as a person...it got so bad, I was suicidal as his words had hit home, my thoughts were that my children would be better off without me as I am so crap and so bad for them.

Thankfully, I held on (it was only the thought of those left behind that stopped me) and gradually I realised that I was not the rubbish one, in fact, I was by far the better parent out of the two of us and if anyone was to blame for middle son's aggression, it was probably his father (as a family, we had got used to flying dinner plates, punched walls and doors and lots of shouting and belittling).

As time has passed, I have seen all 3 of my boys blossom, become confident in themselves (they also had no confidence) and best of all, start to fly high at school...something which seemed impossible even 5 years ago.

Re the financial side, you will need to ring tax credits to either change the claim to a single one, or if no claim in process, to apply, Also contact the council to apply for the single persons discount. You would also be entitled to maintenance for the children from him, this can either be by private agreement (you can look at the CSA website to get an idea of how much) or via the CSA.

Hold in there, I know everything feels raw and probably hopeless but it does get better (it really does, it just takes time). If you have friends, talk to them....it was my friends that got me through it, without them, I am not sure I would still be here today.

lindyloo77

My emotions are all over the place. Managed to get the girls to school. Spent alot of time reflecting. I've not been the best wife, My anxieties have put alot of pressure on our relationship, I felt I wasn't able to do things and relied on him, which in turn did my self esteem no good and we've created a dependancy where I feel I can't be as good as he is and let him take over.
My daughter has been waiting months for him to put up a light in her room, I told her yesterday that I would do it and she asked "will YOU be able to do that?" seems everyone thinks I can't cope.
He messaged this morning asking if I wanted him to let the school know we have seperated. I was SO angry I replied saying that I did love him but I don't NEED him to do anything and am coping on my own (even if the last bit isn't true).
Why have I let myself be such a victim for so long?

POPPYOSCAR

lindyloo77 wrote: »

My emotions are all over the place. Managed to get the girls to school. Spent alot of time reflecting. I've not been the best wife, My anxieties have put alot of pressure on our relationship, I felt I wasn't able to do things and relied on him, which in turn did my self esteem no good and we've created a dependancy where I feel I can't be as good as he is and let him take over.
My daughter has been waiting months for him to put up a light in her room, I told her yesterday that I would do it and she asked "will YOU be able to do that?" seems everyone thinks I can't cope.
He messaged this morning asking if I wanted him to let the school know we have seperated. I was SO angry I replied saying that I did love him but I don't NEED him to do anything and am coping on my own (even if the last bit isn't true).
Why have I let myself be such a victim for so long?

You are sounding a lot stronger by the sound of things in this post.

If I said to my daughter about putting a light up in her room myself she would say the same as yours!!!

You are coping on your own. Feeling devastated inside does not mean you are not coping, anyone would feel like that.

As I said earlier I do hope you have got someone you can talk to and have a shoulder to cry on.