What to do?

meplus5

After months of looking and applications I have finally been offered a job, it's in the social club at the end of my road. My problem is my boyfriend ( father of my 2 youngest ) who doesn't live with us at the moment has told me if I take the job we are finished. I really need the extra money as I have bills to pay. We cannot see each others point of view at all so I am posting this in the hope of getting some advise really.
Would you take the job or no??

Apricot

I'd take it - who on earth does he think he is? Ask him if he is willing to pay you what you would earn if you took the job.

What are his reasons?

liney

I wouldn't let an obviously unstable relationship (Father who isn't living with you at the moment... ?) with a controlling man stop me from taking a job to support myself and my children, no.

Would you like to explain his logic as to why you shouldn't take the job?

brians_daughter

meplus5 wrote: »

After months of looking and applications I have finally been offered a job, it's in the social club at the end of my road. My problem is my boyfriend ( father of my 2 youngest ) who doesn't live with us at the moment has told me if I take the job we are finished. I really need the extra money as I have bills to pay. We cannot see each others point of view at all so I am posting this in the hope of getting some advise really.
Would you take the job or no??

First reaction yes, i bloody well would take it - esp if hes being like that - he aint worth it ...

HOWEVER, re thinking this is there any reason why he doesnt want you to take it? Is it a really rough place, is he concerned about who will have the children? Is he concerened how you will fit him time for him if you're working evenings/wekends?

TBH i would sit with him and ask him WHY he feels like this... if he has tangable reasons ie the last barmaid got stabbed for not handing the till takings over then he is concerned and is trying all he can to put you off taking the job...

If however its for more selfish reasons i would explain that although he means the world to you you cannot and will not allow yourself to be controlled in this way - that you are taking the job for the money as you really need it...unlesss of course he is willing to contribute more towards the children, therefore allowing you the luxury of turning the job down!

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Does he give any reasons?

To be fair – he doesn’t live with you so WHY should he get to dictate what you do?! You’ve already said you need the extra money

If he is willing to leave you because you want to provide for your family then let him – you and your kids come first and if you need the money then go for it x

spongebabs

It depends what his reasons are surely?

meplus5

Hi i didn't expect so many fast replies, thank you. His 1st reason was that he wouldn't be able to handle men trying to flirt with me ( his words ). Since I replied that I am a grown woman who is able to say no he has thrown every reason he can think of at me, it's unfair on my mum, Im taking time away from the kids and him, he wont be able to go there anymore and I'm being selfish to name a few. I've said if it was not a nice place to be I would leave.
He has said he will give me money not to do it but he's promised that many times before with different jobs and things and its never happened. I'm just trying to make sure I do the right thing.

brians_daughter

well, from what you have said the problems are his.. he is insecure you will run off with someone else! If he has promised support financially prior to this and not been forthcoming then its clear he cant be counted on. If it ws unfair on your mum she wouldnt offer to have the children, if the social club is at the end of your road i cant see how his argument that you are taking the kids away from his is a valid reason...

Infact, better still tell him to use the time to look after his own children so then your mum doesnt need to offfer AND he gets more quality time with the kids... and if it makes him feel better he will see you arriving home alone rather than with the leech from the end of the bar on yoru arm!..solves 3 of his 'arguments' dont you think ,
Personally i would talk to him again and tell him you have no option but to accept the job but if he can find you what he considers a more suitable role before your start date you will gladly consider it....as well as telling him his behaviour is unacceptable if he doesnt trust you then why is he with you?

mrbrightside842

So, he says you're taking time away from him and the kids, and if you take the job there he won't be able to go there anymore? Contradiction! He's enjoying the single life and going down the bar, because you have to stay in and look after the kids and play the part of a single mum living on your own. I'd take the job, losing the relationship will probably be a bonus! Especially if he can't visit his local if you work there!

sueeve

His arguments seem to be centred upon himself. How old are the two children and will they lose out by your taking this job? ifall is fine apart from him, go for it. Paying your bills, your way in life, and working to be able to do that, is the mark of a responsible parent. Obviously if you can't pay them you can't, but this is an opportunity for you, so take it. If he hasn't come up withthe money before it's unlikely he willthis time.

paddy's_mum

It might also depend on what the job itself is, surely?

If it's becoming the club's charlady with the occasional bit of lunchtime soup and a roll preparation thrown in, his objections seem utterly illogical and, frankly, amount to bullying.

If the job is to be a barmaid and so out several or most evenings a week, 'consorting' with a load of boozy blokes then his objections might be viewed as genuinely based on concern for the welfare of you and your children. Without knowing what he bases his objections on, it's hard to know whether or not he is being fair. He may have seen too many loud, busty barmaids and now subscribes to the common stereotypical view that most of them are little short of trollops, not having enough faith in you to view the situation dispassionately.

Whatever his reasons, issuing such a threat with all the emotional turmoil and damage that his departure must surely cause is not an adult nor kindly way to go on. If he is so insecure and inadequate that mentally bludgeoning someone he presumably professes to love is his only weapon to force her to kowtow to his wishes, I might be tempted to take him up on it ....

Edit to add: Cross posted and there is now more information. He's being a clod, a selfish, manipulative one, to boot. I suspect that in his heart of hearts, he knows that you are a gem that he is not cherishing and is now terrified that some decent man might try to snap you up. The broken promises over money issue says a great deal about him - you do realise that, don't you?!