Diets & Relationships...

Buttonmoons

Good luck with your weightloss geegee.

I have a similar experience of sorts:

I got together with him when I was at my biggest (around the same weight as you) and it coincided with me losing weight. As I got slimmer he got nastier.

We went to a festival near Stirling, on the way back, he threw me out his car with £50 for the train (he was gonna come back and stay at mine for a few days - it was long distance) and told me he didn't fancy me anymore.
Next day: Him phoning me up crying and apologising etc etc.

This pattern repeated so much. I think the fact it was long distance didn't help his insecurities, but I look back and think :eek: what would of he been like if we did live in the same town, probably causing arguments everyday.

I told him I was going out on a night out, he asked if men were going, I said yeah a few males would be there "oh im finishing with you, you effing *****" or another time a male friend (now he was in his 40s and gay btw!) was gonna come up and stay, and he said that I was selfish and didn't I know that was a weekend HE was going to come up (er no it wasn't!) and then he resorted to his usual insults like - I smell, and I was fat and la la la la la.

I broke up with him, and I should of much earlier on, final straw was when I couldn't go to his one weekend, because my daughter was sick, and he said I should be his 1st priority. I told him he had issues and ended it then.

He did not take it well :eek:

He seems to have got over me, though sends me messages now and then saying "I would of had sex with you again if you hadn't slept with someone else, now you are dirty" (er yeah thanks for the offer?!)

I told him what he needs is a replica of his mother, and someone who is a virgin. He couldn't deal with previous romances of mine, but grilled me to know etc.

Anyhoo, I'm now only 7lbs overweight (well maybe like 10 since xmas ) so it's totally do-able, and well done on the 9lbs :-D X

GEEGEE8

I told him what he needs is a replica of his mother, and someone who is a virgin. He couldn't deal with previous romances of mine, but grilled me to know etc.

Anyhoo, I'm now only 7lbs overweight (well maybe like 10 since xmas ) so it's totally do-able, and well done on the 9lbs :-D X[/QUOTE]

Wow, well done on losing the weight!! I'm 10% towards my goal already

Sounds like he was a complete psycho, I really hope my OH doesn't get any worse.. I have a feeling he will though as he becomes insecure.

Hmmm.. funny you should mention mother. Before moving in with me he lived with mummy dearest. Now, she doesn't like me at all, and the couple of times I've been round she's been polite but wth an air of awkwardness and fake smiles. He's on only child and she's a single parent, so there lies a problem.

She also doesn't have any social life, no job and seemingly devoted her existence to looking after OH.

She isn't interested in me at all and I haven't been round since last July. She has never been to see our home, even though I've told the OH that I don't have a problem with it and I even offered to arrange to go for a coffee with her and chat about stuff and get to know eachother without him being in the middle.. but apparently he didn't like this idea and actually said what if you two talk about me. lol..!

He never speaks to her on the phone at home, even though I talk to my mum quite openly on the phone, and my dad and sister on occasion too. He doesn't even say when he's been to visit her after work and I told him previously that it was pretty much lying about where he has been. I don't demand to know what has been said or anything, but I don't expect to think he's just come home from work when he actually finished 1.5hrs earlier, visited mum, and never mentioned it at all. Actually he did this when we first moved in and we had a row about it, I don't like the secrecy of it, and he said sorry, and recently he's been doing it again.

I don't for one minute think he's cheating, but I did say to him that if he's leaving work early to visit mum then he's ruining the trust because how would I know he isn't leaving early to visit other people? Which, I think is a fair comment really and he wouldn't like it if I were being sneaky behind his back..

But what gets me is WHY?! I've never had a problem, in fact I actively encouraged him to visit his mum, so it's not like I'm going to complain or anything. He just says I'm not bothered about his mum.. which in all fairness I'm not actually bothered about her, but only because she made it very clear I wasn't welcome..

findingmyownway

GEEGEE8 wrote: »

Hmmm.. funny you should mention mother. Before moving in with me he lived with mummy dearest. Now, she doesn't like me at all, and the couple of times I've been round she's been polite but wth an air of awkwardness and fake smiles. He's on only child and she's a single parent, so there lies a problem.

She also doesn't have any social life, no job and seemingly devoted her existence to looking after OH.

Hmm, maybe this is where the problem lies. If he's used to having the woman in his life pandering to his every whim, having an independent gf might be taking a bit of getting used to.

Bronnie

Geegee, do you mind me asking how old you both are?

burntfingers_2

Maybe he can't cope with anything but one to one relationships?? Do any of his friends ever come to your house?? Do you ever go out with him and his friends??

I can't understand as to why he wouldn't want you to have a coffee with his mum?? He is VERY insecure and seems like this maybe a deep rooted problem maybe stemming back from when his parents split up. They have kinda became co-dependant on each other...sounds like neither of them can let go of the apron strings!! His mum should accept that he has left home, that he is a big boy now and can stand on his own two feet albeit with you propping him up. Sounds like he wants you to pick up where his mum has temporarily dropped off....

I was a single parent for a number of years and both of my children now aged 17.5 and nearly 19 have both grown up into independant free spirited individuals.

I still do encourage to make their own decisions in life and have always told them to believe in their own abilities, whilst I will offer them support and guidance at the end of the day who they decide to be with, is ultimately their decision.

GEEGEE8

I'm 27, he is 34.

He prob see's his mum for an hour at the very most every week, maybe every 2 weeks, so it's not very often really, considering he could visit more often.

I do really agree with the 'more than one relationship at a time'. We have mutual friends, but I've never met his so called 'best friend', who incidently he hasn't even seen for probably over a year now and they just send a couple of football type texts every few weeks. He always speaks badly of this friend and says how badly he treats him when he used to visit him before he met me.

OH will say him and his mum are 'close', but in reality they really aren't. She has said nasty things to him in arguments, so he has said, and I'm sure that's where he learns his 'style' are arguing from. If they were that close then surely she would want to be part of his life and embrace the fact that this is his first long term relationship and encourage it.

My mum is like you burntfingers, she encourages us to do and be what we want. I've lived away from my home town for 9yrs now and she's never complained or made me feel bad. My sister is currently living in New Zealand and mum has found it hard but has fully supported her.

OH's mum apparently doesn't like the fact that we are renting, but I don't think she would have approved of us buying a house together before we had tested the water either, so don't know what her problem is there. She was really nice (from a distance) for a while, used to send cakes over with OH when he stayed over at mine at the weekend. I wasn't sure what to make of it really and felt like she was intruding (I know that sounds silly), but I always said thanks and even sent a couple of gifts back, and at that point she never bothered again! lol. Odd!

At Xmas we went on holiday, totally OH's decision to go over Xmas.. and apparently she wasn't happy about it at all. In fact she didn't answer her phone over xmas when he kept trying to call to say Merry Xmas. Her excuse when we got back, 'she was ill in bed and her phone was off'... what? for 4 days!! My mum would have to be in hospital to be too ill to pick up the phone on xmas day..

She does cause problems between us as I really get tired of feeling like I'm the odd one out and I'm being blamed for this lack of involvement, but I'd always tried to suggest going out for a meal, meeting her for a coffee etc etc but it's just never happened. Also, the way he goes about sneakily going round and not speaking to her at home, it's almost like she's 'the other woman'..

I resent being forced out of his family because of hers/their attitude.

He never knew his dad, apparently he left when OH was 2yrs old and he doesn't know him. I do sometimes wonder whether his dad would give a different story to the one his mum has obviously fed him about the dad being a waste of space.

Buttonmoons

My ex was a mummys boy, to alarming degrees. I actually think it was more her than him. He still lives at home now (is 27) and never moved out.

When he broached the subject his mum burst into tears and cried for about 3 days.

When I was there she used to make him sleep on her bedroom floor......bear in mind his 17yo sister was sharing her bed with her bf. Why the difference?! I found that freaky, also she used to stroke his face like if he had shaving rash and say "aw my little bairn has got some spots"

Just the whole thing was :eek:

GEEGEE8

Apart from the one friend I've mentioned, he doesn't have any other friends, apart from workmates.

We have mutual friends, but none of them have been invited over to our house, because he is quite awkward and I just can't be bothered with the argument it'll cause.

We said about a BBQ in the summer and he seemed keen, then a few days later said he didn't like the idea of people in the house.. *sigh*...

My mum and stepdad came up to visit recently and instead of them staying over here as they would have liked to, my mum obviously could sense it was awkward for me and therefore they came over one afternoon whilst they had been visiting the area near where we live. It was literally 2 hrs and it really annoyed me that OH makes everything so difficult.

GEEGEE8

Buttonmoons - that is very freaky indeed! lol - what is it with mothers and sons? really does annoy me!

I got on great with ex's mum! so again, I know it's not 'me' with the problem.

One time I went round the subject of cheese came up.. I'd been seeing OH for over a year at this point.. 'oh (mummys boy) doesn't like cheese at all'.. erm, yes, I know dear, thanks for that! I think I worked that out a long time ago.. then went on about how he used to have a carton of milk in the mornings when he was little but then he stopped. lol... just what a girl wants to hear about her 'man'. It wasn't even a jokey conversation where the parent tried to embarras the child for a laugh, ease the tension etc, it was all very serious!

Funny how he actually asks to try bit of pizza now he lives with me isn't it? I never baby him at all, and if he doesn't like cheese then fine, but that's for him to work around not me.

Maybe I should take another stance of pushing them together..? Saying he should visit his mum more often.. I'm out tonight so why don't you go see your mum.. haha.. I think some people only do things because they think it get's one up on someone else.

jinky67

Wootball wrote: »

Not the case at all. Human beings match their mood to the others that are significant in their life. Have you ever been somewhere and 'felt' that the mood is miserable even though you haven't spoken to anyone?

GEEGEE - either way (and I assume as the only man in here) you both sound as bad as eachother. You say you're not in a bad mood and that may be the case, but you're still on here criticising him and that's going to affect how you are with him in real life whether you're doing it on purpose or not - and he has picked up on the change. He is insecure that you'll go and cheat, and you don't trust him because he keeps trying to feed you cakes.

Your example above is completely typical - in telling him what he thinks, you enforce the idea in his head that it's what you want. Don't say 'you think I am going to cheat' as that will just plant the seed firmly in his head. Just ask him how he is feeling and if it's a concern of his that you're changing. If he says it's not a concern then ask him for his support and explain how the things he does make you uncomfortable. Don't apologise for saying what you are saying, but don't expect him to apologise either - he has perfectly valid reasons for feeling the way he is and so do you.

why should GG has to !!!!! foot around the stupid ideas in his head? That is a major sign of controlling behaviour

burntfingers wrote: »

gambit27 wrote: »

Alarm bells are ringing with me big time here, may be wrong, but I've been where you are, it only gets worse.

They are for me too, I know how mine started and if I could stop just one woman going through what I did by making her aware of how manipulative these kinda people can be...

google wheel of power and control....
ISOLATION

• limiting outside involvement
• making another avoid people/friends/family by deliberately embarrassing or humiliating them in front of others
• expecting another to report every move and activity
• restricting use of the car
• moving residences

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

• putting another down/name-calling
• ignoring or discounting activities and accomplishments
• withholding approval or affection
• making another feel as if they are crazy in public or through private humiliation
• unreasonable jealousy and suspicion
• playing mind games

ECONOMIC ABUSE

• preventing another from getting or keeping a job
• withholding funds
• spending family income without consent and/or making the partner struggle to pay bills
• not letting someone know of or have access to family/personal income
• forcing someone to ask for basic necessities

INTIMIDATION

• driving recklessly to make another feel threatened or endangered
• destroying property or cherished possessions
• making another afraid by using looks/actions/gestures
• throwing objects as an expression of anger to make another feel threatened
• displaying weapons

USING CHILDREN or PETS

• threatening to take the children away
• making the partner feel guilty about the children
• abusing children or pets to punish the partner
• using the children to relay messages

USING PRIVILEDGE

• treating another like a servant
• making all the big decisions
• being the one to define male and female roles
• acting like the master or queen of the castle

SEXUAL ABUSE

• sex on demand or sexual withholding
• physical assaults during sexual intercourse
• spousal rapes or non-consensual sex
• sexually degrading language
• denying reproductive freedom

THREATS

• threats of violence against significant third parties
• threats to commit physical or sexual harm
• threats to commit property destruction
• threats to commit suicide or murder

PHYSICAL ABUSE

• biting/scratching
• slapping/punching
• kicking/stomping
• throwing objects at another
• locking another in a closet or utilizing other confinement
• sleep interference and/or deliberately exhausting the partner with unreasonable demands and lack of rest
• deprivation of heat or food
• shoving another down steps or into objects
• assaults with weapons such as knives/guns/other objects

Whilst I am not saying that this is what you are going through you can see why possibly alarm bells are ringing for some of us?....xxx

I wish I could thank this a million times:cool: