Diets & Relationships...

Bronnie

GEEGEE8 wrote: »

Saying that, he's always done that... He never used to say which day he was coming over to mine mid-week and left it to the last minute which meant I could never make plans with friends.


QUOTE]

That business is VERY annoying when it becomes the norm, whether it's the man in your life or other friends/relatives The only way to deal with that is to go ahead and make plans yourself and stick to them, regardless of what the other person eventually decides.

It can make you feel a bit uncomfortable at first if you're a person brought up to be considerate and accomodating, but the other party does need to get a clear message about commitment and not messing people about!

GEEGEE8

That business is VERY annoying when it becomes the norm, whether it's the man in your life or other friends/relatives The only way to deal with that is to go ahead and make plans yourself and stick to them, regardless of what the other person eventually decides.

It can make you feel a bit uncomfortable at first if you're a person brought up to be considerate and accomodating, but the other party does need to get a clear message about commitment and not messing people about![/QUOTE]

Well, about a year ago I asked him if he was coming over that night (tues) or the (weds) as those were the usual nights, except if he changed his mind again.. It was 4pm, and he was usually over by 7pm, he text that he still wasn't sure which night.. :mad:

Now, I'm into snowboarding and used to work in a shop in the same building as the indoor slope, so friends used to pop in all the time. about half 4 a couple of friends came in and said am I going snowboarding that night and I explained that I wasn't sure as OH might be coming over.. They kind of rolled their eyes as I was turning into him! never say yes for definate when asked.. So I text OH back and said, 'do you fancy snowboarding tonight if you are coming over? if not I'm going to go and you can come over tomorrow night, what do you think?'

There's me, thinking I'm being very diplomatic about the whole thing only for him to go absolutely nuts about it! I was standing him up apparently.. although he still hadn't said he was coming over that night. So in the end I said to him well I've decided I'm going, you're welcome to come over, if not I'll see you at mine tomorrow... well, he came over, an hour later than everyone usually meet, face like thunder, totally ruined my night, and then argued in the carpark until 2am about it.

So, yeah, I've tried that before. You are right though and I have to just tell him what I'm doing, rather than !!!!!footing around what's best for him all the time.

*Apparently I'm not allowed to write pus syfooting lol!

burntfingers_2

GEEGEE8 wrote: »

but I have a choice and if I'm miserable because we are arguing every week then I know what will end up happening. I'll just move out when the tenancy is up and start again on my own.

Yes, you do have a choice, that was what I pointing out before about kicking him out on his arris...not literally meaning that you should do that right now...

Red and white leathers...cool :cool2:

You deserve to be treat with respect and not made to feel bad because you have decided that you want to lose weight for whatever reasons.

Personally I would have told him where to stick the Mackie D's...:rotfl:

hugs xx

gambit27

Wootball wrote: »

Not the case at all. Human beings match their mood to the others that are significant in their life. Have you ever been somewhere and 'felt' that the mood is miserable even though you haven't spoken to anyone?

GEEGEE - either way (and I assume as the only man in here) you both sound as bad as eachother. You say you're not in a bad mood and that may be the case, but you're still on here criticising him and that's going to affect how you are with him in real life whether you're doing it on purpose or not - and he has picked up on the change. He is insecure that you'll go and cheat, and you don't trust him because he keeps trying to feed you cakes.

Your example above is completely typical - in telling him what he thinks, you enforce the idea in his head that it's what you want. Don't say 'you think I am going to cheat' as that will just plant the seed firmly in his head. Just ask him how he is feeling and if it's a concern of his that you're changing. If he says it's not a concern then ask him for his support and explain how the things he does make you uncomfortable. Don't apologise for saying what you are saying, but don't expect him to apologise either - he has perfectly valid reasons for feeling the way he is and so do you.

Wootball, they are not as bad as each other, you sound like you may well be a controlling insecure man yourself?

Alarm bells are ringing with me big time here, may be wrong, but I've been where you are, it only gets worse.

Geegee, I have pm'd you.

burntfingers_2

gambit27 wrote: »

Alarm bells are ringing with me big time here, may be wrong, but I've been where you are, it only gets worse.

They are for me too, I know how mine started and if I could stop just one woman going through what I did by making her aware of how manipulative these kinda people can be...

google wheel of power and control....
ISOLATION

• limiting outside involvement
• making another avoid people/friends/family by deliberately embarrassing or humiliating them in front of others
• expecting another to report every move and activity
• restricting use of the car
• moving residences

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

• putting another down/name-calling
• ignoring or discounting activities and accomplishments
• withholding approval or affection
• making another feel as if they are crazy in public or through private humiliation
• unreasonable jealousy and suspicion
• playing mind games

ECONOMIC ABUSE

• preventing another from getting or keeping a job
• withholding funds
• spending family income without consent and/or making the partner struggle to pay bills
• not letting someone know of or have access to family/personal income
• forcing someone to ask for basic necessities

INTIMIDATION

• driving recklessly to make another feel threatened or endangered
• destroying property or cherished possessions
• making another afraid by using looks/actions/gestures
• throwing objects as an expression of anger to make another feel threatened
• displaying weapons

USING CHILDREN or PETS

• threatening to take the children away
• making the partner feel guilty about the children
• abusing children or pets to punish the partner
• using the children to relay messages

USING PRIVILEDGE

• treating another like a servant
• making all the big decisions
• being the one to define male and female roles
• acting like the master or queen of the castle

SEXUAL ABUSE

• sex on demand or sexual withholding
• physical assaults during sexual intercourse
• spousal rapes or non-consensual sex
• sexually degrading language
• denying reproductive freedom

THREATS

• threats of violence against significant third parties
• threats to commit physical or sexual harm
• threats to commit property destruction
• threats to commit suicide or murder

PHYSICAL ABUSE

• biting/scratching
• slapping/punching
• kicking/stomping
• throwing objects at another
• locking another in a closet or utilizing other confinement
• sleep interference and/or deliberately exhausting the partner with unreasonable demands and lack of rest
• deprivation of heat or food
• shoving another down steps or into objects
• assaults with weapons such as knives/guns/other objects

Whilst I am not saying that this is what you are going through you can see why possibly alarm bells are ringing for some of us?....xxx

bargainbetty

So far there are the following alarms bells for me....

You've distanced yourself from your friends, although you are trying to re-connect with them.
You don't do any of the things that you like to do, just the things that he likes to do, when it suits him.
He deliberately avoided making proper plans to avoid you being able to make plans with others - stopping your 'other' life.
He is quite happy to go out and do his things without you, but doesn't like you doing the same.
He wants his own space in the home, but is unhappy if you go out so he can have it.

He does seem to be insecure about you - he has gone all out to remove you from a support network and seems to be working towards keeping you in a place he is comfortable with.

I'm sorry, but perhaps you need to sit him down and ask him flat out why he is trying to stop you doing something healthy and beneficial to you. Explain that this is something you need to do for your health, and tell him you would appreciate his support and love while you do it. Be honest and tell him that bringing home a MacDonalds to say sorry was a little thoughtless, and waking you up repeatedly before an exam was also unfair.

For yourself, find a badminton buddy - put an ad up on the noticeboard at the gym, or ask the instructors if there is anyone who needs a partner. Stick to your diet, and if he keeps showing you unhealthly foods you could snack on, take him to the clenaing aisle and point out all the products you could buy him so he could clean the bathroom and kitchen for you..... just keep on moving and do it entirely for yourself - you deserve to have the healthy body you dream of!

Other than that, I can only say that I have had two relationships with men like him. Neither lasted till the moving-in-together stage. The first time one of them told me he didn't like me seeing my friends twice a week, I told him in no uncertain terms to f**k off. He had been in my life for a month, they had been there for years. The second chap tried something similar, and whined about not being invited out with us. I pointed out that a long-established girls night out was hardly the place for him. He even tried the 'Well, I'll do something else then' tactic and was most put out when i actively encouraged him.

Some men want to live in your pockets. Decide for yourself if your pockets are big enough.

bargainbetty

And yes, what Burntfingers says is true.... alarm bells do ring, as most of us know someone who has had an issue or two..... the bloke who didn't like me seeing my friends ended up being formally warned under the Harassment Act for threatening to harm me. Stupidly, the person he made the threat to was a police officer.

I'm not saying your bloke is like this, but the manipulation is definitely a warning flag.

GEEGEE8

I'll be as honest as I can with these;


google wheel of power and control....

ISOLATION

• limiting outside involvement (Yes, very much so!)
• making another avoid people/friends/family by deliberately embarrassing or humiliating them in front of others (No)
• expecting another to report every move and activity (Yes, and if I don't answer quickly enough I get '???' texts)
• restricting use of the car (He actually insisted I get a car and helped me pay for it, so he's not done that)
• moving residences (Yes, we lived 25 miles apart and when we moved in I moved where he wanted to go. He knows the area, I don't.. initially it was meant to be 50/50 in the middle of the two locations but that never happened. I now have an hours drive each way to uni, and he has 5 mins to work. It used to be 2hrs each way and 4 miles walking a day before the car)

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

• putting another down/name-calling (In an argument yes, no other time)
• ignoring or discounting activities and accomplishments (He always congratulates me on my uni results)
• withholding approval or affection (No, he's very affectionate)
• making another feel as if they are crazy in public or through private humiliation (No)
• unreasonable jealousy and suspicion (Yes, very jealous and used to be extremely suspiscious)
• playing mind games (Yep, especially with texts)

ECONOMIC ABUSE

• preventing another from getting or keeping a job (He has encouraged me to get a job, but seems to only encourage very local ones - keeping an eye on me?)
• withholding funds (I'm a poor student, he does try to help me, but can be a bit funny about money)
• spending family income without consent and/or making the partner struggle to pay bills (he insisted we pay 50/50 on rent and bills, even though it's nearly all my money each month and only 1/4 of his take home pay, as I'm a student and he works full time)
• not letting someone know of or have access to family/personal income (Not applicable as we have separate finances)
• forcing someone to ask for basic necessities (No)

INTIMIDATION

• driving recklessly to make another feel threatened or endangered (No, he's a girl of a driver lol)
• destroying property or cherished possessions (Nothing so far)
• making another afraid by using looks/actions/gestures (Only stopping me from leaving the room on occasion)
• throwing objects as an expression of anger to make another feel threatened (No)
• displaying weapons (No)

USING CHILDREN or PETS (No children or pets)

• threatening to take the children away
• making the partner feel guilty about the children
• abusing children or pets to punish the partner
• using the children to relay messages

USING PRIVILEDGE

• treating another like a servant (I do all the housework, even though I said he should do at least some as I pay 50% of everything and he should contribute 50% to housework. I do it to help him out as he does work full time and helps me financially, but it is something that he takes for granted and I've told him he should at least say thank you)
• making all the big decisions (He does when it comes to free time and whether we buy a joint item or not)
• being the one to define male and female roles (He's open minded in a way, but has said women do the housework, to which I told him if he ever said that again he would be doing his own ironing forever more)
• acting like the master or queen of the castle (Not really)

SEXUAL ABUSE

• sex on demand or sexual withholding (not really, although sexual withholding in the first year of the relationship, I thought this was down to lack of confidence on his part though)
• physical assaults during sexual intercourse (No)
• spousal rapes or non-consensual sex (No)
• sexually degrading language (No)
• denying reproductive freedom (Neither of us want kids just yet)

THREATS

• threats of violence against significant third parties (No)
• threats to commit physical or sexual harm (He's said little threats as he has been walkng off, 'you think this is bad, I haven't even started' that sort of thing)
• threats to commit property destruction (No)
• threats to commit suicide or murder (Suicide threat once)

PHYSICAL ABUSE

• biting/scratching (No)
• slapping/punching (No)
• kicking/stomping (No)
• throwing objects at another (No)
• locking another in a closet or utilizing other confinement (No)
• sleep interference and/or deliberately exhausting the partner with unreasonable demands and lack of rest (Yes, last night he did it twice)
• deprivation of heat or food (I didn't eat dinner last night because of the row)
• shoving another down steps or into objects (No)
• assaults with weapons such as knives/guns/other objects (No)

GEEGEE8

BargainBetty - wow, you have summed up my relationship better than I could ever have done it!

What really stuck out for me was;

You don't do any of the things that you like to do, just the things that he likes to do, when it suits him. (Yes! That is exactly right.. I never have any control over what we do and when)
He deliberately avoided making proper plans to avoid you being able to make plans with others - stopping your 'other' life. (Yep, and I told him this at the time which he denied but it was obvious to me and a few friends of ours)
He is quite happy to go out and do his things without you, but doesn't like you doing the same. (Yes, he will go and do a lot of things and then ask me why don't I do this/that or the other too.. always single person things like cycling, swimming, walks. No encouragement to join clubs. & he is more than happy to go football, golf etc on his own and expect me to do the same i.e. stuff on my own)
He wants his own space in the home, but is unhappy if you go out so he can have it. (Yes, I arranged to go swimming so he could have a few hours in the evening a couple of times a week, and straight away he said about going out if I'm going out. I mentioned this to him last night)

He does seem to be insecure about you - he has gone all out to remove you from a support network and seems to be working towards keeping you in a place he is comfortable with. (Yes, and that includes me moving to his 'neck of the woods' where he is from, even though I wanted it to be an equal distance between the two places. He was just concerned about his commute to work, which is now 5 mins compared to my 1 hour).

Gloomendoom

tara747 wrote: »

Sigh. Men and weight loss do not mix.

Not strictly true. This should read...

"Insecure men and weight loss do not mix."

Mrs G used to be larger. She lost some weight and it improved her self confidence no end. This has opened doors and presented opportunities, in all walks of life, that previously she would have been too shy to exploit.