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Diets & Relationships...

Hi there,

I've been on a diet now for about 2 weeks, need to lose around 6-7 stone in reality. Been doing great, and feeling really good about it all.

My OH has always encouraged me to diet and exercise and has recently been going badminton with me weekly to help, and a Sunday walk for 3 miles, which is brilliant.

BUT

Food shopping yesterday. He constantly pointed out all the desserts, pastries, chocolate things, donuts, cakes in the fresh and frozen aisles etc etc etc..

Usually we don't really buy any of it, just a treat dessert or something now and then.. but, my God he was really doing my head in!

Then he suggested we share a Bounty bar for the way home, I agreed as I hadn't had much lunch so I can fit that into my day. Then he suggested I treat myself to a cream sundae dessert, I said no thanks, but then later on I was thinking and convinced myself I should have one treat a week and so I got it.. :mad:

I was quite happy not to have it if he hadn't gone on about it and everything else in the shop!

I don't get it?! Can anyone shed any light as to what he's doing? It was making me feel really awkward all the way round the supermarket.

He is a little insecure in the relationship, but as he encourages me to do things I don't think he doesn't want me to lose weight?

He is a normal weight and doesn't eat that much rubbish, so it's even more confusing his sudden interest in everything naughty?
9/70lbs to lose :)
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Comments

  • Hi there GEEGEE8

    I am in the same kinda predicament as you as in the fact that in realistic terms I need to lose around 7 stones.

    I set off with all good intentions and then it seems that all my good intentions go out of the window and whilst my OH is really supportive and wants me to do whatever makes me happy, he loves me either way.....

    BUT...It seems that I cannot say NO!! to sweets, wine or takeaways...my OH has a little extra weight around his stomach area but the rest of him is in proportion..but I find its more my mind set...ie something that I can't have I want even more....or that it seems that he now eats the very things that I really shouldn't be having and offers me them only for me to refuse but then he (bless him) will say are you sure?? which for every dieter unless they have a cast iron will is a green flag to say YES..

    Plus knowing that I can't have something only makes me want it more, and it becomes the very things that I would never really eat...biscuits...etc..

    Good luck with the weight loss...xxx
    Total debt £[STRIKE]37864.78 [/STRIKECOLOR=purple][FONT=Arial Narrow][SIZE=1 [/STRIKE][STRIKE] £31681.03[/STRIKE] -[/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]£16700
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  • GEEGEE8
    GEEGEE8 Posts: 2,440 Forumite
    Hey burntfingers!

    7 stones is a lot huh.. lol.. I've made a chart on my fridge and am colouring every pound lost in lol.

    I dunno, maybe it's just that it's more noticeable when on a diet, but I just find that he is eating loads of junk now, when he didn't before. Apart fom that dessert I've been doing great, and a treat would be good for me, in fact I lost another pound the day after it anyhow.

    I totally agree with the 'are you sure' comment.. Why?! lol. Just ask once and be polite, but I think most people know what is healthy and if someone is on a diet then the first answer is fine.

    Maybe my OH just didn't buy these things before as he was worried about me putting weight on, but now I'm on a diet he is going overboard with buying stuff because it doesn't matter as I'm not going to be eating it. I don't think he realises that it's hard to say no to stuff, or that the temptation is in the fridge now that it's been bought, or that him sitting there eating a donut is making things hard for me. :(
    9/70lbs to lose :)
  • I think you might be a bit more sensitive to this sort of thing at the minute. And that you might have got him on a day when his sweet tooth was playing up :)

    But if you're finding it difficult you need to talk to him properly about it. Tell him you really appreciate him trying to treat you but just for the next wee while you'd rather be treated with bath bombs/nice fruit/cuddles delete as appropriate.

    He probably doesn't even realise he's doing it. So tread very lightly, at least for the first go round at discussing it!
  • Other side here - he could indeed be deliberately sabotaging your diet.

    If he's insecure, then he sees you making changes, losing weight and looking better, feeling better about yourself, giving off a more positive body language, then he feels threatened.

    If you're ten stone rather than 17 stone (for example), that then makes you 'normal' weight. Normal weight = attractive to more men. Attractive to more men = men more attractive than him. Men more attractive than him = you're going to cheat.

    Simple solution in that twisted logic = stop her losing weight.

    Appeal to her weaknesses, waive temptation in her way, suggest that 'just a little treat' won't hurt, that it doesn't count.


    The next step is outright sabotage. This is when he cooks for you. Everything fried, everything bathed in butter/oil/dressing. If you continue to resist, sneaky sabotage. The plain jacket potato with beans and salad sounds great. However, if you don't fall for the tablespoon of butter in the potato, he'll be secretly stirring half a pound of butter into the beans whilst they are in the saucepan.

    And if it still doesn't work, that's when the overt jealousy starts. 'why are you dressing like that? Who are you meeting? Why were you talking to him?' and/or deliberate putting down 'why bother, when the loose skin looks worse than the fat? You still aren't ever going to look 19 again. Nobody likes you anyway. You're no fun anymore. I'm sick of this diet, it's always all about you. Why can't you just sit down and enjoy a meal like we used to? '


    I hope it isn't this, but a lot of people, particularly those who use food to stifle feelings of anger and helplessness, do find that their partners dislike the idea when it appears that they are losing control just as the dieter is regaining some. And yes, many do split up as a result, whether through the partner leaving in a huff or the dieter realising that they do not have to take this grief any more.


    Not saying this is the case here, but it is worth bearing in mind, just in case.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.
    colinw wrote: »
    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll :D
  • jenniewb
    jenniewb Posts: 12,843 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Photogenic Combo Breaker
    He is as others suggest, trying to sabotage your diet, weather he is doing it as a joke, a control thing or because he fears he will lose you to a better man/life/etc is anyones guess.

    I'd say tell him to cut the bull* and confront him, ask him why he is doing what he is doing/saying what he is saying? you don't need to explain that it upsets you or annoys you, you just need him to explain himself. If he cannot mature up then I'd paint it out clearly for him: it will divide the relationship and things will start to go wrong. Either he supports you to be happy (and so shuts up with the comments) or he decides where he is at and thinks about what he really wants out of this.

    I would also pick him up every time he mentions anything at all which feels like he is sabotaging your efforts, every single time just ask "why did you say that?" turn it round on him and wait for an explaination. If your not happy with the explaination, ask again. Don't laugh, smile or grin, make him realise this is serious. Not a joke.

    Sorry if it seems harsh, just seen so much of it before and it really winds me up when I see it happening to others!
  • GEEGEE8
    GEEGEE8 Posts: 2,440 Forumite
    He is a bit insecure and I know he will be worried about me losing weight and leaving him.

    He is a healthy 10.5 stones, and I'm just over 17 stones now, after my half stone loss.

    He had a bit of a funny moment when I got into uni, because he thought I was going to be out partying with other people, and I'd meet another bloke. I'm 27, and most of the lads are 18/19yrs old on my course.

    He goes football every other week as he's a big fan and a season ticket holder, so I generally haven't done anything ans just stayed at home when he goes.. sometimes gone with him but it's not really my thing. So, now I've been saying that I want to get back into my old hobby of Scuba Diving with a club, so when he's at football I can go out and do my own thing too, and maybe on day he isn't at football as well.. he can't have it all his own way.

    I'm also going to be going swimming a couple of evenings a week as he doesn't get much time at home on his own to relax, and I want the extra fitness. He's encouraged me a lot to do this, but I just know if I get into it he's going to find fault with it.

    He seems to encourage me, but when I do well he doesn't seem to like it so much.

    He generally doesn't cook my dinner, although he does cook, but I'm at uni and he works full time, so I have more time to do it at the moment, so he can't sabotage me in that way luckily.

    I don't know.. he may have just had a sweet tooth, but we have been going out for 2 yrs now and I don't remember him every pointing at every single naughty food in the supermarket.. It was really odd, and obviously annoyed me a lot. I just ignored it, but if he does it again I'll just say that pointing out all the food I can't have is a bit insensitive, if you want it, get it, but stop shoving it in my face.

    I don't comment on what he eats at all. He bought a pack of 5 jam dohnuts and he's never had them before, he's had 1 and they go out of date today.. I do like dohnuts and he knows that.

    He's always worried about me running off with someone 'better' than him. I'm studying to be a construction professional and he says that I'll find someone better than him when I start my job (I've got 3.5yrs of Uni left yet!) and he works in engineering on a very good wage but not a professional really, a skilled trade.

    I'm waffling now, but I hope he continues to support me and this was just an odd day for him!
    9/70lbs to lose :)
  • GEEGEE8
    GEEGEE8 Posts: 2,440 Forumite
    Oh the scuba diving thing is when I have lost weight as I'm not happy going now... I think he's also worried I'll be off doing my own thing and leave him behind (but that's what he does to me with football and I've not got an issue with it).

    & he wanted to go out for a meal on Sunday teatime, out of the blue, but I said could we go next week so I can look forward to it and have what I like as it'll be my treat.. as I'd had the dessert the night before and I was honest and said I didn't want to gain weight..
    9/70lbs to lose :)
  • Alarm bells are ringing loud and clear.

    I would suggest that you don't let him know that the cakes are tempting you, or he'll step up the pressure to eat them. Let him think that they taste funny to you now, that the greasiness of doughnuts and the mess and the cloying stickiness of cream isn't appealing - even that the smell makes you feel sick, and it's putting you off your (healthy) food.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.
    colinw wrote: »
    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll :D
  • just to throw in an alternate view, maybe theres nothing in this and he just acted in his normal way suggesting things you would normally get. As your trying to diet your more inclined to notice the things you dont want to eat. Not trying to be offensive but if your trying to lose 6 or 7 stone it seems strange that he would become insecure after 2 weeks of your diet. I would talk to him if you think its an issue and ask for more support on things like this. Try and involve him.
  • GEEGEE8
    GEEGEE8 Posts: 2,440 Forumite
    Good plan Jojo.. ;)

    I've kind of been doing that already, just not having any sauce with dinner as I didn't want it, smaller portions as it feels better on my tummy, not fizzy pop as it makes me bloated etc.. So I've been saying those kind of things already.

    I think he is seeing that I am losing weight and I mean it this time, and he's starting to worry.

    I doubt he is doing it on purpose, but you never know!

    He keeps saying that he's toning up now we are playing badminton, and I said 'shouldn't yu be complimenting me instead of yourself lol', and he just said that you can't tell with me as I need to lose the weight before toning up. Oh, and how he wants to be toned for summer etc etc, as he isn't fat but isn't skinny either and wants to reduce the man boobs lol.

    Since I started my diet I started having Go Ahead bars as a snack and we had bought loads on special offer a month ago and both picked a few different packs.. anyhow, there are 5 or 6 boxes in the cupboard and so I was just eating them.. he moaned at me because those were the boxes 'he picked' and thought they were for 'his work pack up'... there are about 20-25 bars in there!! I went mad!! lol.. I told him to stop being so selfish and as he could see it was helping me lose weight then why make an issue out of nothing.. and as I had paid for half of them anyhow, then why did he presume they were all his?! He has since apologised, but it just shows what I'm up against with his attitude to food at the moment.. odd.
    9/70lbs to lose :)
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