Diets & Relationships...

GEEGEE8

Wootball, I agree with some of what you have said.

I wouldn't say I'm insecure in the relationship though. I'm very independant really and I think the only insecurity I have is about my weight I suppose. I don't fret that he will leave me or cheat on me or anything like that, but that seems to be his big issue with me, always has been, even before the diet started.

To elaborate on last night. I got in from Uni, it's an hours drive away, it transpires that he had a bad day at work and because I wasn't all chatty and happy when I got in then he said I was in a mood and have been for days and he wants to know why. If I'm honest, I haven't been in a mood, just probably the diet and new exercise has tired me out a bit and I don't feel as though I should have to put on a show of happiness when I come home just to please him. I wasn't moaning or anything, just sat on the sofa and was relaxing for 5 mins before starting dinner.

Whether it has anything to do with the diet or the fact I went swimming last night I don't know, but it seems a bit of a coincidence really. Especially as he's saying I've been in a mood for 'days' and without saying too much, we have a normal sex life since the diet started, and me going swimming just shows I was happy enough in myself to actually get up off the sofa and do some exercise.

In past arguments he has always commented on how I only talk about myself, or about Uni, and I've become a little unsure about what he actually truly means and what he is just saying because of an argument. I know I'm biased, but I do tend to stick to the facts in a row, whereas he will start saying all sorts of rubbish to get a reaction from me.

So, anyhow, last night dragged on and on and on. I missed my dinner and tried numerous times to go and distance myself in my study as I had an exam at 10am today. He wouldn't leave me alone though and kept going on at me. anyhow, he decided to storm off out then *sigh* and I left him to it. He was gone half an hour and then rang me lol. We talked on the phone for an hour and then he came home, with McDonalds! I really did laugh to myself about that.

I didn't have McDonalds, just a yoghurt, then bed. He then woke me up at 12:00 to say he was sorry and could we make up, just as I had dropped off to sleep.. and I just said it's not the time to talk about it, I'm asleep. Then wakes me up this morning to chat about it again! I was not in a good mood at all. He keeps saying sorry, but I've told him I'm tired of apologies, I just don't want the arguments in the first place as it's wearing me down, especially the nasty comments he always comes out with.

He was talking for so long I missed my 9am lecture, but did my exam and got 90% yeeha! It's a computer marked one so we get instant results.

Anyhow, this seems to be more about my relationship than my diet now! lol. At least it makes for an interesting read (I hope!).

We've had various issues all through our 2 yrs together, hence why I'm getting very bored of the same old arguements being created and then the apology the next day, something needs to change.

I try and not argue back, but he pushes and pushes until I say something back and I just need to start leaving the house really and going for a walk/gym etc.

I wouldn't kick him out as we jointly rent the place we live in, and it's not so bad that I need to do that anyhow, not that I have the right to or need to really.

GEEGEE8

burntfingers wrote: »

Well done on losing another 2lbs :j

I am a bit of a plateau at the moment but the thought of getting on the back of a motorbike and skin tight leathers spurrs me on...*shudders* at the thought...:embarasse

32 lengths...OMG !! I don't think I have ever swum that far before although having said that I have passed my bronze personal survival test and struggled to do that, didn't learn to swim until I was in my teens and was always a poor swimmer nothing has changed since then...but used to love doing the atheletics, hockey, basketball, volley ball and trampolining...but that was the days when life was so much easier....

I used to be a big fan of bikes, had quite a few when I lost weight years ago I had a very sexy red and white one piece race suit

Always loved swimming.. I also used to play hockey and also did trampolining at school I'd love to do that again! I'm sure you can do it in various places, I know my brother was doing it last year at a lesuire centre.

jinky67

Sorry GG but that argument last night sets bells off for me. Insecure men~ dont go there

I sadly did :cool:

What you say and do DO NOT AFEECT his mood. HE affects his mood

GEEGEE8

I do want the relationship to work, and to be honest, I thought maybe my weight was causing some of the issues, e.g me being unhappy about it causing 'us' to be unhappy, or maybe I moaned too much about it which annoyed him, or that my loosing weight would mean we both had confidence to go out and do our own thing. But now, I don't know, it just seems to be that we are stuck in a rut about bickering and probably both have a bad attitude when criticised?

I don't think I can expect him to do all the changing, and I think I've blamed him 100% for everything, when maybe I need to take the lead and change my attitude towards his insecurities and try to calm these situations when his fears get the better of him and lead to a falling out?

He is one of those people that if you give an inch he takes a mile, so I find it hard to discuss things like this as he will misunderstand me.

For example:

Me: I'm worried that you think I'm going to go off and cheat if I lose weight and it's causing tension between us.

Him: So you want to cheat on me?!

That's the kind of response he comes out with, and it's so darn frustrating to get through to him.

I

GEEGEE8

jinky67 wrote: »

Sorry GG but that argument last night sets bells off for me. Insecure men~ dont go there

I sadly did :cool:

What you say and do DO NOT AFEECT his mood. HE affects his mood

Yeah I know exactly what you are saying, it's been a big struggle throughout our relationship.

I have had apast relationship for 8.5 years and neither of us had insecurities and we didn't argue, so I know this is a different relationship, but I really don't think the problems are coming from me.

jinky67

GEEGEE8 wrote: »

Yeah I know exactly what you are saying, it's been a big struggle throughout our relationship.

I have had apast relationship for 8.5 years and neither of us had insecurities and we didn't argue, so I know this is a different relationship, but I really don't think the problems are coming from me.

From what you have said here, I dont think they are either. he doesnt want you to change, cos HE is scared. Never mind it will do your self esteem wonders. Or how you feel about the problems in your relationship...all he is bothered about is him. Very selfish

No reason you wont stay together and be happy and slim!

See what will happen is, it will become a self fulfilling prophecy....he goes on and on and on about you leaving and you may just get sick of it and do so

therefore its your fault and not his:mad::rotfl:

Wootball

jinky67 wrote: »

What you say and do DO NOT AFEECT his mood. HE affects his mood

Not the case at all. Human beings match their mood to the others that are significant in their life. Have you ever been somewhere and 'felt' that the mood is miserable even though you haven't spoken to anyone?

GEEGEE - either way (and I assume as the only man in here) you both sound as bad as eachother. You say you're not in a bad mood and that may be the case, but you're still on here criticising him and that's going to affect how you are with him in real life whether you're doing it on purpose or not - and he has picked up on the change. He is insecure that you'll go and cheat, and you don't trust him because he keeps trying to feed you cakes.

Your example above is completely typical - in telling him what he thinks, you enforce the idea in his head that it's what you want. Don't say 'you think I am going to cheat' as that will just plant the seed firmly in his head. Just ask him how he is feeling and if it's a concern of his that you're changing. If he says it's not a concern then ask him for his support and explain how the things he does make you uncomfortable. Don't apologise for saying what you are saying, but don't expect him to apologise either - he has perfectly valid reasons for feeling the way he is and so do you.

burntfingers_2

jinky67 wrote: »

Sorry GG but that argument last night sets bells off for me. Insecure men~ dont go there

I sadly did :cool:

What you say and do DO NOT AFEECT his mood. HE affects his mood

I have to agree with jinky67,

I went there too

insecure men don't get better no matter what you do, no amount of reassurance will change his ways, he needs to change his ways and see you for the person that you truly are...:)

Congratulations on the exam result :T

GEEGEE8

He is quite a selfish person in a lot of ways, so I agree that he is probably just thinking of himself, that's what he does. If we have free time at a weekend, it generally revolves around what he wants to do, depending on whether he is tired or not.

In other ways he is very generous and would always try and help me out financially or if I had any family issues I was struggling with.

He can be quite negative about things, but so can I

I do think that it was him that was in a mood, and he's admitted it this morning, so why he had to tell me I was in a mood and go on about it I don't know. Actually I do know, when he is stressed he can't seem to talk about it and instead seems to create a reason to argue and then it gives him a reason to say what he is stressed about. Not exactly the right way to do things as by that point I have no sympathy for him at all as I just feel hard done by.

I've said to him as well that I'm not happy that he won't commit to coming badminton with me. Something I love doing and we have just started going to help me lose weight, and also he wants to tone up and get fitter. We always have a great time and he says we should go next week, but when I try and arrange it with him so I can book the court he messes me around saying he doesn't know how busy it'll be at work, or he's at football at the weekend and doesn't want to be too tired. So I said he needs to stick to some sort of routine as he would go footy still even if he was tired, so he should make the same effort with me. He's now saying he'll go Friday night and then next Weds (we usually go Weds, but as he took so long to confirm this week then the courts were full until Friday). Maybe I'm wrong in thinking this, but this to me is an example of him being selfish and not even considering the fact that I look forward to it and it's a let down being told 'I don't know' all the time.

Saying that, he's always done that... He never used to say which day he was coming over to mine mid-week and left it to the last minute which meant I could never make plans with friends.

Oh, I could go on all day.. lol. Just letting off steam I think.

GEEGEE8

Wootball wrote: »

and you don't trust him because he keeps trying to feed you cakes.

Hahahaha - that bit made me laugh

I do understand what you are saying, but surely he needs to take a bit more control over things and not leave me to baby him about it?

At the end of the day I can't promise him that I'll always be with him no matter what.. I'm not married and don't wish to be, so I will be with him if he treats me well and we enjoy eachothers company. I shouldn't have to do all the work and pander to his every need when he's insecure. Otherwise I'll feel like I'm with him because I have to be, when I should be with him because I want to be.

I honestly don't think we are as bad as eachother, I think I've just got quite fed up of the backwards way he deals with stress, insecurities and emotions in general. Yes, he is a man, and men are different to women in how they express things... but I have a choice and if I'm miserable because we are arguing every week then I know what will end up happening. I'll just move out when the tenancy is up and start again on my own.