How would you respond to this email, Brothers wedding invite?

moggylover

Any wrote: »

I am not sure I follow you here... If you want wedding as a family event, organise yours like that.

But don't expect everyone to have the same tastes as you.

My annoyance came from the part where you expect to teach your children how to behave at the brides account - ie at her wedding. Don't expect her to be happy with this as an argument either.

That involves mercilessly twisting what both Poet and I have said! Both of us would want (I am sure) to make sure that our children knew the basics of that good behaviour before the wedding. My own eldest was by no means an "easy" child since he was ADHD, but the importance of the day was explained to him by myself and he rose to the occasion wonderfully, albeit it was the first time I had known him to be shy and that I approached the day with trepidation (and had discussed that with my SIL-to-be who was adamant that he was wanted whether he behaved impeccably or not). Without socialisation our children do not learn how to behave, nor do they learn to socialise with different age groups, nor do they gain the benefits of learning that every age group has something worthwhile to bring to a social event. Seems to me that this is what is already "wrong" with our overly segregated society already and that it will not be improved by such exclusions.

I have two sons who have always been able to be taken to restaurants, social functions, etc. PURELY because they have always been taken to such things. They frequently behave better than the adults present do and I am inordinately proud when I receive compliments on how nicely they behave and how helpful they are, but I don't think it would have been achievable if every family event was to be age segregated.

The most wonderful wedding I ever attended was by accident. I was on holiday in the Greek islands and we were touring around on a motor scooter when we found we could not get through a village because the road was blocked by the celebrations of a wedding! We were turning around to go back the other way but were inundated by the revellers who insisted that they had "inconvenienced" us, and insisted we stay for at least a while and join in the celebrations. The entire village was there I think, everyone from the toothless aged, to babies (who were mostly on the laps of the smiling oldies) and absolutely everyone was alight with joy and fun! Despite language barriers and our not knowing the traditions, we had a lovely hour or so with these people and were I ever to take leave of my senses enough that I felt I wanted to get married again (;)) then I can think of no nicer or more warm and loving way to hold a marriage ceremony.

Despite the jibes earlier, I have no hankering for a "golden age" that I know did not exist. What I do have a hankering for is the sense of community and family (probably more pronounced then because it was shortly after a war: when the really important things become clearer) that has been replaced by age segregated pubs, clubs, dances, etc. to the detriment of any societal cohesion at all.

POPPYOSCAR

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Fair enough, but if I were OP and I didn't want to blackmail them to have it my way what I would do is say 'hurrah you're getting married' without making any commitments about going, then when the official invites come out let them know that sadly I can't make it. Doing it so far in advance is pretty obviously a stab at blackmailing them into getting her own way.

I also simply don't believe that there is no one at all who could look after the kids. And personally I reckon that it is the bride and groom's day, that it's hard enough for them negotiating between themselves and that everyone else should butt out....if the OP wants to cause aggro and distress this is certainly the way to go about it.

I would find it near on impossible to get baby sitters for Christmas Eve, both sets of grandparents are no longer with us and anyone else would be busy getting ready for Christmas Day with their own families.

moggylover

Nicki wrote: »

There is still no harm though in giving the impression you have tried your hardest surely? It's quite insulting to respond "no way" within a few hours of getting the invitation, even if you know that's going to be the end result.

As the bride and groom, I'd much prefer a nice note a few weeks after the heads up went out, saying I had explored all the possibilities but due to the date being so close to Christmas, I was unable to find anyone able to have the children, and I would be sorry to miss their day but hoped they had a fantastic say. Not a "not prepared even to try as your wedding isn't that important to me" email by return.

Well, I'm sure that the op might have preferred her brother to ring and ask if it would cause her particular problems with having children and being so close to Christmas, but she didn't get that either! What she got was a round-robin type email that I would have considered absolutely fine for the couples "friends" but totally tasteless and cold for sending to a close family member.

But there, the ettiquette is obviously totally different today (and yes, you can read that as sadly lacking;)).

moggylover

mumps wrote: »

On the other hand my brother insisted on inviting my ex when he got married. I said I wouldn't go and I didn't.

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek: I don't think I blame you:(

Nelski

Musing now what the point of this thread is .......the op has not come back with any real debate so it is left to the two sides - one that says the bride and groom should invite children and the other that say its their day and they can invite who they like. Its good to hear other points of view but this does just seem to be going round in circles.

The OP will decide what is right for them as will the rest of us. I would not miss my brothers wedding for anything I can think of and if that involved compromising my own personal beliefs then fine - I have personal experience in a different way of the family fall out if you do insist on its my way or no way. When my parents decided not to attend my brothers second wedding because they disapproved of how he had gone about leaving his ex wife it took nearly a year to have them even speaking again. The ex wife is long gone in all of our lives but the fact they missed an amazing day will always be a regret for my brother and my parents.

balletshoes

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

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Yes I agree with you.

Whenever there has been a wedding in our family a possible date has been thrown around first to get an idea of who will/will not be able to atttend before the final date being announced.

it may be, because its the brother of the OP, that he is not the one who is the deciding factor - it may suit his bride-to-be and her family more to have the wedding where and when its planned for. I'm not saying thats right, but the groom may be fine with it all, and from personal experience with my brother, with his last girlfriend there would most definitely not be any discussion with grooms family as to what date/venue was preferred - it would be her way (with some input from my brother, but none from his family).

Isn't it usual for the bride and her family to be more involved with the planning of the wedding than the groom and his anyway?

elvis86

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I would find it near on impossible to get baby sitters for Christmas Eve, both sets of grandparents are no longer with us and anyone else would be busy getting ready for Christmas Day with their own families.

It's very sad that people would have nobody to help them out with babysitting in order to attend a one-off special occasion. I know I could count on several of my friends, and I'd bend over backwards to help them out if they encountered a similar situation.

Then again, it's hardly suprising that half of the people posting here would have nobody to help them out, if they're the type of people who take offence at perfectly polite emails, attempt emotional blackmail to get their own way ("surely, if you love your nephew, you'll invite him, not to is so thoughtless to our needs...") and when all else fails, blatantly disregard other people's wishes whenever they don't suit them.:cool:

belfastgirl23

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I would find it near on impossible to get baby sitters for Christmas Eve, both sets of grandparents are no longer with us and anyone else would be busy getting ready for Christmas Day with their own families.

But it's the day before christmas eve (23rd) and there's no reason at all why the OP can't be home that evening if necessary - personally I would forgo drinking in order to get home that night if it was so important. Even if I could only go for the ceremony I would be there. Even if it meant driving three hours each way for a couple of hours there I would go. But then my brother means a lot to me and I would want to celebrate his special day on his and his B2Bs terms, not on my terms.

POPPYOSCAR

Nelski wrote: »

Musing now what the point of this thread is .......the op has not come back with any real debate so it is left to the two sides - one that says the bride and groom should invite children and the other that say its their day and they can invite who they like. Its good to hear other points of view but this does just seem to be going round in circles.

The OP will decide what is right for them as will the rest of us. I would not miss my brothers wedding for anything I can think of and if that involved compromising my own personal beliefs then fine - I have personal experience in a different way of the family fall out if you do insist on its my way or no way. When my parents decided not to attend my brothers second wedding because they disapproved of how he had gone about leaving his ex wife it took nearly a year to have them even speaking again. The ex wife is long gone in all of our lives but the fact they missed an amazing day will always be a regret for my brother and my parents.

No I think most posters are in agreement that it is up to the bride and groom. As I understand the thread now, some posts have been made that acknowledge this but say that they think children should be at the wedding on a family occasion in their view.Not the same thing to my mind as saying the bride and groom are in the wrong.

The OP has been accused of not making an effort etc. and others have pointed out that the brother has not made much of an effort.

I think this is where some misunderstanding has taken place.

FatVonD

slummymummyof3 wrote: »

My sister took great offence to this and turned up regardless with her 2 children, who were dressed in clothes to match my bridesmaids (she thought her children should have been asked to be a flower girl and a page boy) by turning up with the children like that, she thought I would see 'how cute' they looked and change my mind!! We were really cross because not only had she deliberately gone against our wishes, it was obviously premeditated (with the matching outfits) it also messed up the seating plan etc etc. Her husband was unable to attend due to work commitments and to be quite honest she didn't have the easiest day because the children became very restless and cried lots, so she spent most of her time outside!

Lol! That one ranks up there with my SIL who turned up to our wedding wearing a floor length silk dress the same colour as mine!

We had a child-free wedding apart from our own who were bridesmaid/ushers. We were severely limited in numbers by the capacity that the registry office/evening venue could hold but even if we could have had more it would have still remained child free.

I've been to enough weddings that have been ruined by parents not doing the decent thing and taking their crying baby/toddler outside during the service (while making token 'jiggling on knee' motions) and kids sliding across the dance floor in their socks to know there was no way that was going to be happening at our wedding!