How would you respond to this email, Brothers wedding invite?

moggylover

gambit27 wrote: »

If it were me, personally, I wouldn't leave my children so close to Christmas, to travel to the other side of the country for the wedding of someone who didn't even know my email or postal address, Brother or not. Yes it's their choice to have their wedding as they choose, but I'd be quite offended that he didn't want his niece and nephew there! I assume all your family will be at the wedding, so the kids would not be able to stay with your parents, so I would politely say, I'm sorry but we won't be able to attend, we don't feel comfortable leaving the kids at home with a sitter for so long, and so close to Christmas, I hope you have a lovely day, and wish you both a long and happy life together...

Their choice to not invite kids, your choice not to trapse across the country for a wedding to people your clearly not very close to will also probably save you a small fortune in hotels, outfits, drinks!

I think, for me, it was the fact that his SISTER had received a blanket round-robin email instead of a personal phone call and a discussion as to whether it would mean that she could not attend that made me think that he is a brother I wouldn't want much:(

The Op doesn't say why they are at different ends of the Country, and whether it is her or him that have moved away from the family, but I think anyone planning their wedding for 23/12th and then expecting family members who have children to be able to dump them for what must surely be in excess of 24 hours (sensibly, allowing travelling time and time to ensure you are safe on the road after having had a drink:)) at what is always an incredibly busy time for families rather needs a reality check on their own self-centredness.

Yes, it is YOUR day, but if your self obsession knows no bounds whatsoever, and the needs of even your closest family amount to nothing in your narrow picture, then it gives me serious doubts that you will ever be capable of the compromises and give and take that a marriage and children involve.

moggylover

haras_nosirrah wrote: »

Just to put a bit of perspective on this as someone who is having a childless wedding in 3 months

Ours is childless not because we don't like children - we do

We have a venue restriction of 50 during the day and 80 in the evening. Having counted up the children in the family (mostly children of h2b's first cousins) there are 21 children in our family. One of his first cousins has 5 step children (his wife's with her ex husband) but again they come as a unit so they have opted not to come and we understand that.

If we invited one we would have to invite them all and as his family live three hours away and would be staying overnight we have accepted some couldn't come but we have given them 8 months warning so they could get baby sitters.

In our circumstances we couldn't have it that half our guest list was under 8 and therefore we have had to say a blanket no kids policy to make it fair.

I can see exactly where you are coming from, but with all due respect, the children of "cousins" are not quite the same thing as your own nieces and nephews and I believe that a compromise could have been come up with for most people.

moggylover

burnoutbabe wrote: »

so take the kids with you into a nice hotel and leave one parent with them.

The Op clearly just doesn't want to go really, the fact its a brother means no more than if it was an acquaintance (to them), which is fair enough, as alot of people wouldn't bother travelling for an acquiantance wedding on their tod, that near xmas.

It is equally right to assume that since her brother couldn't even be bothered to approach this with a personal telephone call to her, and that he isn't able to see the logistical problems the situation leaves for a person with youngsters (especially at such a time of year), then her attendance probably isn't that important to him either;)

Torry_Quine

Fuzzy_Duck wrote: »

Unfortunately not everyone would have your common sense weddings are a social minefield, it's so difficult to keep everyone happy and at the end of the day this is about the couple, not the family. My reasoning is that you can't pick your family- but you can pick your partner, and a wedding is a celebration of your love and commitment for each other. There are plenty of people who get married with just a couple of witnesses and it's perfectly normal- not to mention a lot less stressful and money saving!

This has reminded me of saying that I would not invite my aunt to my wedding- because she is a vile woman who has insulted me and my mum our whole lives and nearly broken up my mum and dad a few times because my dad would always take his sister's side rather than my mum's. I said I didn't want her there because her presence would ruin my day, as I know she'd criticise everything and insult everyone she meets. My dad said if she wasn't invited, he wasn't coming either. I was devastated, but as it's my special day she's still not getting an invite. And I just hope my dad will realise he's being a fool and his daughter should come first for once. It is my wedding day and I should surely have a right to not invite people I don't want there- she may be a relative, but I have plenty of friends who I care about more.

My future MIL said she wouldn't come to our wedding if an uncle of his was invited. We said that he was definitely part of the family and if she didn't want to come that was her choice. She came of course.

burnoutbabe wrote: »

you didn't even consider going alone and leaving other half home with the kids?

i'd do that rather than miss my sisters wedding.

I certainly wouldn't consider going to a wedding without my husband it would seem very strange to me.

moggylover wrote: »

I think, for me, it was the fact that his SISTER had received a blanket round-robin email instead of a personal phone call and a discussion as to whether it would mean that she could not attend that made me think that he is a brother I wouldn't want much:(


Yes, it is YOUR day, but if your self obsession knows no bounds whatsoever, and the needs of even your closest family amount to nothing in your narrow picture, then it gives me serious doubts that you will ever be capable of the compromises and give and take that a marriage and children involve.

The round robin e-mail seems strange to me. A phone-call to explain the situation would have been more accetable surely.

poet123

Any wrote: »

???
From the other point of view...

This is a wedding, a party, a celebration of 2 adults joining in marriage.

I would be very upset if my sister who I love above all insisted to bring her kids who she would run around all day long, wouldn't even sip a champaigne and leave at 6pm even though I was hoping that we can have a blast.

This is done at every family gathering, so why does it have to be on this one day as well!!

P.S.: Just to say that I did have my nieces at my wedding and many other kids, but I can see where people who do not want kids at the wedding are coming from.

Surely if all the family were there, other adults mil/mum would help with very young grandchildren? and older children need to learn (or be taught) how to behave in social situations, it doesn't happen by osmosis!

Hermia wrote: »

That depends on the family though. My father was one of 13 siblings and he wasn't close to some of them and barely knew some of his nieces and nephews. I personally feel a friend I love dearly would be more important at a wedding than a relative I am not that close too. And the OP doesn't sound THAT close to her brother.

You do have a point there, but it seems that the general consensus from some is that nieces or nephews are no different to the children of friends/cousins etc, and I find that strange and sad.

elvis86 wrote: »

I think that although most people have tended to agree that the decision is the bride and groom's to make, this thread has shown up just how many selfish, militant parents there are out there! Parents who seem to truly believe that their needs and those of their kids should be at the centre of every decision those around them ever take!

I agree with you there are many parents out there like that, but I don't think the response to this thread has been from any of them. Those who have responded with a differing opinion to yours have that opinion because of the timing of the wedding, the relationship of the invitee OP, which are valid points.

When you are planning a wedding you do need to give some thought to the needs of your guests surely? or why invite anyone at all? I agree with Moggy, many of those weddings seem more about top show, and me, me ,me, and less about the coming together of two people and their families for life.

Lil_Me_2

When my Grandad remarried I must have been 11 or so, my sister 13 and my baby sister was 1 and he decided he didn't want children at the wedding. My Grandad has 3 children, 2 of which had kids at the time. There was no way that my mum was going to go from Cornwall to North Wales and leave us all at home, my uncle with 2 kids also didn't want to go and my other uncle declined on principle. So instead of having a nice small wedding with about 15 people incl 5 kids the wedding ended up being my Grandad and now Gran plus 2 witnesses.

I still feel bitter about it, because I was an age where I understood that I wasn't wanted.

floss2

tsstss7 wrote: »

Realistically they are effectively excluding the family member in question though aren't they - it's not the child free thing thats the issue here to me (although I do think not even inviting your nephews and neices is a bit much) it's the timing. Xmas is a manic time of year for me and many parents alike - fitting in a wedding many miles away will mean hours travelling and most likely an overnight stay (maybe 2 depending on the timing of the wedding).

As much as I love my own brothers sisters etc I'd probably not be able or even want to attend their wedding in those circumstances so to me the OP's family have either not thought it through OR actually don't want/care if this family member gets to go their wedding.

Perhaps that is the only date that suits their plans, that fits in with their honeymoon plans, or that their work committment make possible. Or perhaps it is a special date to them - we got married on the 4th anniversary of the date we got engaged.

I still think that the email as a heads-up of the date was possibly to save any heated arguments over the phone or face-to-face.

mishkanorman

moggylover wrote: »

I think, for me, it was the fact that his SISTER had received a blanket round-robin email instead of a personal phone call and a discussion as to whether it would mean that she could not attend that made me think that he is a brother I wouldn't want much:(

The Op doesn't say why they are at different ends of the Country, and whether it is her or him that have moved away from the family, but I think anyone planning their wedding for 23/12th and then expecting family members who have children to be able to dump them for what must surely be in excess of 24 hours (sensibly, allowing travelling time and time to ensure you are safe on the road after having had a drink:)) at what is always an incredibly busy time for families rather needs a reality check on their own self-centredness.

Yes, it is YOUR day, but if your self obsession knows no bounds whatsoever, and the needs of even your closest family amount to nothing in your narrow picture, then it gives me serious doubts that you will ever be capable of the compromises and give and take that a marriage and children involve.

I dont see the OP's brother has many choices here, they surely arent living at the other end of the country from everyone they know ! the reason behind a child free wedding is not known either,

You've managed to fill the gaps in the very brief story we have and made the groom into a 'self obsessed' person who's marriage will fail before its even begun. You dont know that this decision hasnt caused the bride and groom no end of torment and anguish !

Any

poet123 wrote: »

Surely if all the family were there, other adults mil/mum would help with very young grandchildren? and older children need to learn (or be taught) how to behave in social situations, it doesn't happen by osmosis!

You mean to make sure no adult is having a good time?

Most weddings are dead boring for children anyway!! Mine was abroad - in outside space with lots of games for kids and fantastic weather, but what child want to sit in stuffy room with red faced uncle Martie that had few too many pints, which is what wedding in December is likely to be.

In such a situation kids would be bored and therefore playing up. And the parents will go home at 6pm.

I would not want wedding like that. As a child I would not want to attend wedding like that.

And what the hell is that about, teaching your children how to behave on brides account??
That is pointless argument.

Nicki

elvis86 wrote: »

I'm going to go as far as saying that if I was the OP's brother, and myself and my fiance had been thoughtful enough (yes, thoughtful!) to send an email as considered and tactful as that so far in advance, then my sister couldn't be bothered to come (c'mon, this is obviously the case - only in the most unfortunate of circumstances would I be prevented from attending my sibling's wedding), I would be really upset with her.

/QUOTE]


I agree with this. OP didn't even pretend she had tried to think of a way to attend. She sent an email back by return effectively saying if you don't invite my children I'm not coming. That's as bad in my book as just turning up with them against the bride's wishes, and by no means "nice" as OP thinks it was. I'd expect some serious family fall out from this to be honest, and I hope the ensuing hoo hah doesn't end up ruining the wedding for the happy couple.

If OP really didn't want to leave her children, then the more polite and tactful thing to do would have been to leave it for a few weeks then say that despite her best efforts she was unable to organise anything for them. At the moment invitations haven't even gone out, only a hold the date email, so numbers are by no means finalized, and waiting a respectable time would not impact on the wedding planning one iota.