How would you respond to this email, Brothers wedding invite?

balletshoes

haras_nosirrah wrote: »

Just to add an extra dimension to this do people invite +1's to their weddings?

None of mine or my h2b's work friends who are evening guests have got invites for spouses or partners. And our friends and relatives only have partners coming if they are married or if we know the partner. This has been a bit of a bone of contention with some people where they want to bring a friend or they want to bring a new boyfriend or work colleagues want to bring partners but when we are paying £80 a head for day guests (inc meal, booze and evening) and our evening guest list is max 80 as soon as you include partners (let alone children) it means we can't include the people we want to be there.

The guest list has been the biggest headache of all.

I think thats a very sensible way of dealing with the guest list, and you've got your line drawn (this is often the biggest bone of contention isn't it, where do you draw the line).

burnoutbabe

i would say that you should try and invite a + 1 if the person you are invitng won't know anyone else bar you 2 (as clearly you would be busy with everyone else)

work colleagues, one assumes they all know each other so thats fine.

balletshoes

I do understand the OP's point of view if they would all have to be in a hotel hundreds of miles away for the wedding and then intending returning to their home for christmas. But do we know if there are other close family members who live in the same vicinity as her brother the groom?

Reason I ask is, my sister and I (and our families) live 300+ miles away from the rest of my family, but they are all in the same town. Over Christmas we'd all be there anyway (we always go "home" for Christmas, take our families with us). So we'd just arrive there a day or so early to make it for brother's wedding, and if it were no kids, we'd arrange for them to be taken care of by adult cousins/friends of my mums/in-laws of my sisters, who all the kids know and will have a great time with.

andrealm

burnoutbabe wrote: »

so take the kids with you into a nice hotel and leave one parent with them.

The Op clearly just doesn't want to go really, the fact its a brother means no more than if it was an acquaintance (to them), which is fair enough, as alot of people wouldn't bother travelling for an acquiantance wedding on their tod, that near xmas.

But what's the point of dragging the kids to the other end of the country to have them stay in the hotel room because they're not allowed at the wedding party? Seems pointless to me. It wouldn't be so bad one parent going alone if it wasn't so near Xmas. I'd be worried that if we had weather like last year, they mightn't get back in time for Xmas. Personally I wouldn't risk it. If the brother really wanted the Op there, they wouldn't have a child free wedding at the other end of the country, 2 days before Xmas.

And if I was one of the kids I'd feel hurt and left out because I hadn't been invited to my uncle and aunt's wedding, so I wouldn't have wanted to travel all that way to sit in a hotel room and miss the fun.

moggylover

JC9297 wrote: »

Just thinking when people talk about child free what age are you actually talking about, as I guess it is children playing up, running around that actually 'spoils' it for others. A young baby who is being breast-fed will not intrude on anyone's day. My son was 11 when my sister-in-law got married and he was more than capable of sitting at the table with adults and joining in with conversations, but know lots of kids have not learned to do that by that age.

The thing for me is that if we do not include our children in such things then they never learn the conventions and never do learn to behave themselves properly in public or on such occasions.

Certainly the streets of any university town late on a Friday/Saturday night will clearly show those willing to look that behavioural standards have dropped dramatically and almost everything we do these days is age segregated in a way that is most definitely post war and even AM (after Moggy:D).

My son was only 3 when he was a page in top hat and tails for his uncle and aunt-to-be, and he behaved himself beautifully (although he got a bit overcome by fright and sat on his fathers lap during the actual ceremony). There were around a dozen children at the wedding and they were all perfectly capable of behaving for the entire day, toys had been brought along and they took over a corner and had a lovely time. Most of us did choose to take the smaller children home and put them to bed with a babysitter later on, but there were one or two for whom that was too long a journey and they gradually faded and ended up asleep either on a lap or on some soft chairs that the hotel staff brought in for them.

If we continue to age segregate all social occasions as severely as they currently are then future generations will have lost the ability to relate to any but their contemporaries and this can only add to societal problems, not improve them.

onlyroz

I don't understand this concept of wanting to have everybody and their dog at your wedding. I had a small wedding with about 20 close friends and family (yes, including the nieces, aged 7 and 9 at the time) - then a bigger party in the evening with maybe 50-60 guests. My mother wanted me to firstly have the wedding up her end of the country (where none of my friends would be able to get to) and secondly to invite everybody I'd ever met - including *her* neighbours, and *her* best friends from school. In the end I did it my way, and she spent the whole day sitting in the corner looking like she was sucking on a lemon.

Once again - the wedding day is about the wishes of the bride and groom - even if the invite says you have to turn up dressed like leprachauns, and drink nothing but evaporated milk all day. Either put up with it or don't go...

Hermia

poet123 wrote: »

I agree, ultimately, this is what I would do if there was no alternative, but I would still be upset that my brother had not had the familial feeling to invite his own blood relatives.

That depends on the family though. My father was one of 13 siblings and he wasn't close to some of them and barely knew some of his nieces and nephews. I personally feel a friend I love dearly would be more important at a wedding than a relative I am not that close too. And the OP doesn't sound THAT close to her brother.

moggylover

SandC wrote: »

I have often considered it from the viewpoint of how would it work for me? You see, I only have one nephew. But then one of my cousins has 3 children.

Would I just have those as family or would I extend the invite to friends' children? That's where it gets difficult you see. Because if you take my main girlie group that's 5 of them. 2 of them don't have children but the other 3 have 6 between them. Then there are my sis in laws sisters. From the two of them that's another 4 kids (and I'm not including the eldest who's now an adult and wouldn't want to come). So with those guests - you've got 7 adults, if you then bring in partners that's 14, then there's 10 kids. See how it can mount up?

Kid dont go free at weddings, they are still a bum on a seat and the major cost of weddings is the food.

We have no clue as to how many of their family and friends have children and how far this could reach for them. They may be closer to children of their friends than their nephews and neices so how can they be seen to have friends' kids and not family kids?

It's very difficult and anyone being invited to a no kids wedding shuold try to understand the limitations.

Bear in mind some people might also balk at having to troup across the country for a 'cheapo' wedding!

Personally, if anyone "baulked" at that then they would be people I seriously wouldn't want there anyway:) I have been to expensive weddings that lacked taste, friendliness and even good food and I have been to "budget" weddings that have been the epitomy of all of those things and with the added pleasure of people who truly do love and care for those around them whether the doddering old granny who dribbles her soup or the pesky baby that cries out just as the vicar asks if anyone knows any reason why...............:eek::eek:.

elvis86

I think that although most people have tended to agree that the decision is the bride and groom's to make, this thread has shown up just how many selfish, militant parents there are out there! Parents who seem to truly believe that their needs and those of their kids should be at the centre of every decision those around them ever take!

I'm going to go as far as saying that if I was the OP's brother, and myself and my fiance had been thoughtful enough (yes, thoughtful!) to send an email as considered and tactful as that so far in advance, then my sister couldn't be bothered to come (c'mon, this is obviously the case - only in the most unfortunate of circumstances would I be prevented from attending my sibling's wedding), I would be really upset with her.

I would be quite upset if anybody close to me, having been sent the same perfectly polite and reasonable email plenty of time in advance, reacted in this way. I bend over backwards for my family and friends and regularly travel to weddings/christenings/children's birthdays etc. If they couldn't be bothered to put themselves out to attend my wedding, I'd be so disappointed.

Presumably the OP's brother isn't some Liz Taylor type, and will only get married once? That's one day out of the 18 years+ you'll spend smothering your children and insisting that the rest of the world accomodates them. Newsflash, OP - they would survive 24 hours without you.:cool:

And if anyone disprespected my wishes after I had been crystal clear about them all alone, by turning up with their kids in tow? I seriously think I would tell them to leave. It's rude, selfish, disrespectful, and pig-ignorant.

tsstss7

floss2 wrote: »

TBH, I think it's the other way - I think they HAVE thought it through, which is why the original email is very tactful, and possibly why it has been sent, so that the recipients can have the discussion / argument without it being face-to-face and without the possibility of anybody saying something in the heat of the moment and regretting it later.

Also, as was mentioned earlier in the thread, there may well be a very good personal reason why they do not want children present - whether it be financial, medical or psychological - and that is their business and nobody elses.

Realistically they are effectively excluding the family member in question though aren't they - it's not the child free thing thats the issue here to me (although I do think not even inviting your nephews and neices is a bit much) it's the timing. Xmas is a manic time of year for me and many parents alike - fitting in a wedding many miles away will mean hours travelling and most likely an overnight stay (maybe 2 depending on the timing of the wedding).

As much as I love my own brothers sisters etc I'd probably not be able or even want to attend their wedding in those circumstances so to me the OP's family have either not thought it through OR actually don't want/care if this family member gets to go their wedding.