How would you respond to this email, Brothers wedding invite?

Nicki

onlyroz wrote: »

This is because, on the whole, people live a lot further away from their families than they would have done 20-30 years ago - it's only recently that I've had access to babysitters, because my parents chose to move closer to me. I personally would never consider hosting a "child-free" wedding/party/day-out - but I understand that a wedding is about the couple and their wishes, and I would respect that if I was invited to a child-free event.

My family all live in a different country and the closest relation on my husband's side is at least 200 miles away! I do however have friends who live nearby, and the older children also have friends whose mothers would take them for a sleepover if asked. I could place all 3 of them, even the baby, for this kind of event, particularly with the kind of notice OP has been given. Is it really the norm not to have friends you could trust with your children in this kind of situation? That's what I find a sad reflection on modern life.

Nicki

andrealm wrote: »

I would call upon people in an emergency, but a wedding isn't an emergency. Most of my friends have other friends or relatives they would ask before me, so I wouldn't want to impose on them for a whole day unless it really was an emergency. It might be different if it was just for a couple of hours.

How would you feel though if one of your friends asked you to have their children for a day to attend their brother's wedding, because the relatives they would otherwise have asked would also be there? It wouldn't bother me in the slightest to be asked to have someone's children in these circumstances, I'd be delighted to help out, and would know that my friends would do the same for me if I needed it. I wouldn't ask them for a colleague's wedding or anyone who wasn't a very close friend or immediate family, as that would be an imposition I agree.

Thmas_Covenant

Janepig wrote: »

And you are well within your rights to agree or disagree. Your wedding, your way. Naff all to do with being thoughtful or not. In fact I think it's thoughtful of the OP's brother not to have children there, thus ensuring that the adults attending will have an enjoyable time.

Jxx

You misunderstand the concept of thoughtful - it's not "your way" but "everyone's way", i.e. include everyone. :rotfl:

DebtfreeBY40_2

I got married 10 years ago and we specified no children at our wedding. I would do the same today! We did it because we wanted to, because it was our evening. We wouldn't take the kids out to the pub for the evening or a nightclub. It was never a judgement of the children in our family who we love very much but rather us having the perfect evening. Don't take it personally.

Janepig

andrealm wrote: »

I would call upon people in an emergency, but a wedding isn't an emergency. Most of my friends have other friends or relatives they would ask before me, so I wouldn't want to impose on them for a whole day unless it really was an emergency. It might be different if it was just for a couple of hours.

As a child, I was always invited to family weddings. I think once my parents went to a friends evening do that I wasn't invited to. I don't think they would have asked anyone to look after me for a whole day or overnight.

I can see Nicki's point - it's not an emergency per se, but it's the kind of one-off rare event that you would need a babysitter for where you normally wouldn't ask, and any potential babysitter would be very understanding about. I have friends with children and I would be as understanding if I was asked to babysit for them to attend a wedding (family or otherwise) as I would be for an "emergency", particularly if it was the case that if I (or another friend) was unable to babysit then they couldn't go.

Jxx

andrealm

Nicki wrote: »

How would you feel though if one of your friends asked you to have their children for a day to attend their brother's wedding, because the relatives they would otherwise have asked would also be there? It wouldn't bother me in the slightest to be asked to have someone's children in these circumstances, I'd be delighted to help out, and would know that my friends would do the same for me if I needed it. I wouldn't ask them for a colleague's wedding or anyone who wasn't a very close friend or immediate family, as that would be an imposition I agree.

I wouldn't mind being asked but most people I know probably all have several other closer friends they would ask before me. so I wouldn't want to impose on them, especially if they have work commitments or have 3 or 4 children of their own. And if it was just before Xmas, they'd probably be busy.

Janepig

Thmas_Covenant wrote: »

You misunderstand the concept of thoughtful - it's not "your way" but "everyone's way", i.e. include everyone. :rotfl:

But a wedding is not about "everyone's way". And it's the "trying to please everyone" element of wedding planning that leads to upset and stress. Better to set out your stall from the off. And who are we to judge how any potential bride and groom wish to celebrate their big day?

Jxx

poet123

Nicki wrote: »

My family all live in a different country and the closest relation on my husband's side is at least 200 miles away! I do however have friends who live nearby, and the older children also have friends whose mothers would take them for a sleepover if asked. I could place all 3 of them, even the baby, for this kind of event, particularly with the kind of notice OP has been given. Is it really the norm not to have friends you could trust with your children in this kind of situation? That's what I find a sad reflection on modern life.

I have quite a few friends who I could have asked to do this, but I find it a sadder reflection on modern life that someone would see the lack of such friends as sadder than a sibling not inviting his sister/brother and their children to their wedding.

Spendless

OP_ Can you find a babysitter for that day/evening? Presumably since it is your brother's wedding, your side of the family can't help as there'll be there themselves. What about your ILs? i can understand babysitters being in short supply since it is so close to Christmas and people being busy with their own arrangments and not wanting the addition of other people's children. If it's going to be awkward, just politely decline mentioning how difficult you've found it, trying to get a babysitter so close to Christmas.

onlyroz

Nicki wrote: »

Is it really the norm not to have friends you could trust with your children in this kind of situation? That's what I find a sad reflection on modern life.

No idea whether it's the norm or not. And it's certainly not about trust. It's about being self-reliant and not imposing yourself upon other people more than necessary. Very few of my friends have children and I wouldn't expect them to be happy about being asked to babysit a toddler and a 5-year-old for an evening.