Less than 12 weeks pregnant club! 2

Gillyx

whowants2brich it gets worse and worse. The pain, the peeing, the sleeping, not sure which is worse though. Anger is a good one though, means I get a chance to take it out on OH

Amymo

whowants2brich, lovely to see a man's perspective! It's a sad fact that miscarriage is very common and I've found it to be more common than I ever realised before we started trying, I guess I'd add to that that people who are looking for support seek comfort in forums and maybe don't have anyone to share this with, I've also found that on other pregnancy forums the prevalence seems really high but that's simply because of the population of people posting on there (didn't explain that well, baby brain!) don't feel blue, keep positive and if you support each other you can get through anything, enjoy every moment and don't google/read too much, we got a book early on and I try to avoid reading too much else!

silly_moo

Just had an early scan today due to bleeding etc and all seems fine so far I've changed the date of my 12 week scan and my EDD as it turned out the baby is 9 days younger than we thought.

Ginvzt - 2nd December (12+1, clinic) 7nd December (12+6, NHS) (EDD 17th June)
Kaemi - 5th December (EDD 18th June)
Cheebie- 5th December (EDD 18TH June)
Triangle - 6th December (EDD 18th June)
museumworker - 13th December (EDD 23rd June)
LJane74 - no scan date yet (EDD 18th June)
lixi - no scan date yet (EDD 20 June 2012)
whowants2brich - 28th December (EDD 2nd July 2012)
thrifty-gal26 - 4th November (7+4) 8th December (12+3) (EDD 18th June)
RebekahR - No scan date yet (EDD 25th July)
BikerChick - No scan date yet (EDD 5th July)
silly moo - 1st December (6+5), 10th January (EDD 22nd July)
Janienewcastle - 23rd December (EDD 29th June 2012)
Nikkikayj - 12th December (EDD 29th June 2012)
bobble_hat - no scan date yet (EDD 2nd July 2012)
robyn297 - no scan date yet (EDD 22 July 2012)

dizziblonde

Just lurking in here from the splendour(?!) of week 15 and there seems to have been quite an undercurrent of resentment at those who've had miscarriages spoiling the atmosphere or something of late (I nearly typed this a day or so ago but was in the middle of a million things at once and didn't get round to hitting send).

I've been there - one of the hardest parts of having a miscarriage is the societal expectation you'll keep quiet so as not to upset those who are being luckier. So not only are you eaten up wtih utter anger and rage at what's happened to you - but you're then eaten up with anger and rage at being expected not to upset those who've got what you so desperately want in the world - it is truly truly a horrible journey I'd never wish on my worst enemy to go through.

With the nature of the less than 12 week thread - it sadly is inevitable that lots and lots of posters are going to fall by the wayside on the way out of the first trimester. Sorry, but it's a brutal truth that it's something like 1 in 5, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage within those first few weeks - some so early you never even noticed you were pregnant, but with more and more sensitive pregnancy tests around these days - more get noticed than might have happened in previous years. It's blooming well wrong to make those women feel that they're in some way "upsetting" others when all they do in here is post that they've had their sad news and bow out quietly.

It's also pretty nasty to complain that the miscarriage support thread has more activity - the nature of the grief involved can mean that you tend to hang around there a lot longer than the 8-9 weeks you hang around in this thread before moving on (if we assume you find out you're pregnant on week 4 when your period doesn't arrive)... it took me a good year before I felt actually at all able to cope with the emotional enormity of what we had gone through with the hell of multiple losses in a short space of time - and I don't think I'm even over the grief now to be honest - and we're pushing towards what would have been my first lost little-one's first birthday next month... even those women with grown up children who've had losses prior to those children who made it will still say that they still think of the ones who didn't make it and still feel sad for them - it's a truly hideous kind of grief, made much worse because society still has this taboo and expects you to hide away in shame, or views your losses as not "worth" anything - it's one reason I'm so open about the fact we have had the losses - because taboos take people to tackle them if the wall of silence is ever to be broken down. People also tend to stay on threads like the miscarriage thread to help others get through it - pulling them through it from the other side of it all so to speak.

The point I'm trying to make is that, especially if you're pregnant after a loss, or if you're pregnant and having bleeding and things - it can be really really hard with the feeling that you don't "belong" anywhere - because you're having that loss of innocence that two little lines on a test automatically leads to a baby - and other people don't have that waryness (because why have they had any reason to?) yet still your concerns are equally as valid as those - and there seems to be an anti-miscarriage-talk atmosphere in here lately which is really unpleasant and quite upsetting to see... sadly it's a fact of life. The fact that people DO talk about it also means that there are incidents, like the one I had this time around, where I had quite heavy bleeding at 5 weeks, assumed all hope was lost - went for a scan and found a heartbeat... which give the OTHER side to things, the side that bleeding in pregnancy is common and it's not always game over... do you want those tales wiped out as well?

Or do you want an atmosphere to develop where posters just vanish, without a trace and you're left not knowing if they've got busy with work, or if the worst has happened - kind of a silent purge of the bad news? That seems pretty nasty to me.

I ended this by saying "sorry if the fact that I've had miscarriages upsets you"... but no, I'm not sorry I've had miscarriages - because being sorry for that would mean I was being sorry that those lost little-ones ever existed (however hidden away from the rest of the world - they were very very real to us) - and that's not something I'm ever going to apologise for, for whatever circumstances my body failed them - but I'm not sorry for the fleeting lives they had.

If you hadn't gathered - I'm INCREDIBLY passionate about miscarriage care and some of the shocking ways women who've miscarried are treated by society - please don't treat those on here who DON'T get to pass by happily to the 12+ week threads the same way that far too many of us have been.

RebekahR

I personally have felt uncomfortable on this thread from day dot. It's not very active and although there is support I view the posts of those utter previously that there is more support on the main pregnancy thread. Due to that I don't tend to post on here much anymore but I do lurk. The miscarriage thing I find hard to deal with. If you have never had one you don't know the pain or even how to respond to someone who has. So whilst I will post here occassionally and keep you updated on main events - I will mainly reside on the main thread from here onwards.

Thank you for your long post Dizzi. I just don't know what to say so I rather than faf up words I will just thank you for the time you took to write that.

Gillyx

Dizziblonde I don't think anything bad was meant by it, I myself have posted recently about how these forums have alerted my awareness of miscarriage, I've known people to go through it in real life, but not loads, and I think it's because of the nature of it, the majority of people IRL, myself included didn't go public with there pregnancy until 12+ weeks, so for the most part it is "hidden" I'm not saying that's right either though. I think the poster just generally meant they didn't realise that it happened to so many people. The anonymous aspect of the internet means we all share things on here that we maybe wouldn't share offline and it is easier for people to offload both sadness and happiness.

I think it's great that the miscarriage thread is there, the women can comfort each other and all know what the others have been through. It's easier to offload to strangers also. Whereas talking about it with real life people often ends with someone putting there foot in it unintentionally, which leaves both parties upset and/or confused.

I hope I've not come across as unsensitive or uncaring, as it's really not my intentions I've not been through a loss, so I won't pretend to understand how it feels, because I don't. Not for one second do I believe anything should be swept under the rug either, it's not fair on anyone, and I know that no matter what, those babies were real, and will forever be in your thoughts.

Aimless

If it was the post I'm thinking of, which I can't find to reread, I read it as a badly phrased attempt to say, that they really hoped that we didn't lose any more posters along the way, and that it was sad that there had to be activity over there, as it meant someone else had a loss. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels sad to see someone from here pop up as the last poster on that thread, because I know what it usually means for them.

RebekahR

This comment will probably upset more ... but would it help ladies of loss to have them remembered. We have a list of who is due with scans and when. Would it help to have a we remember you list of those we have lost due to miscarraige and how far along they were?
Probably really horrid to say that as it will be a constant reminder but I know nothing really.

whowants2brich

Aimless wrote: »

If it was the post I'm thinking of, which I can't find to reread, I read it as a badly phrased attempt to say, that they really hoped that we didn't lose any more posters along the way, and that it was sad that there had to be activity over there, as it meant someone else had a loss. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels sad to see someone from here pop up as the last poster on that thread, because I know what it usually means for them.

That's exactly what was meant by the post that was written. By me. And to fill in a few gaps, my DW and I experienced a MMC last year, shortly after having been told that we won't ever have a natural pregnancy due to my SA. We were incredibly shocked, hoped that everything would work, but were realistic at the same time. We did not cope well with the MC, or the ERPC, and have not forgotten what happened.

We now find ourselves in the fortunate position of being pregnant following IVF treatment, and are 9+3 today. We are acutely aware of the high number of pregnancies that don't get through to the end of the first trimester, and each day that goes by makes us one tiny bit less stressed. As long as my DW struggles through the day with the many pregnancy symptoms, we know we still have hope. Until week 43 after her LMP, only then will we know for sure that the pregnancy has been a success, that there have been no complications, no MCs or stillbirths or other stories that we hear all too often (by then hopefully a healthy baby will have been born).

And FWIW, I am still amazed at the detail that people write on here, on these forums. Amazed at how, no matter how good or bad things get, people still manage to coherently express their feelings, thoughts, concerns, whatever happens... part of me wonders if it's to help themselves, part of me wonders if it's to help others to know what it's like, what happened so that they can learn from the experiences of others. And then I remember a post I read on here a few weeks ago (put into my own words because I can't find it)...

Sometimes the fear of the unknown is the single biggest problem in pregnancy, and the more we are reassured that everything is going ok, the more likely it is that the pregnancy will be a success. However, because of the nature of mother nature, none of us have any control over things, we just have to hope for good news, prepare for bad news, and take each day as it comes. Every day, I log in here and hope for good news, another BFP, and it makes me smile for that person when it happens. At the same time, I hope that someone will move on to the 12-24 week thread, and not the miscarriage support thread. My heart sinks whenever I hear that someone else has had their pregnancy cut short, for whatever reason.

I for one gain a huge amount of support, education and reassurance from everyone on this thread, the pre-TTC thread as well as the miscarriage support thread. I'm a guy, as you know, and without you all, I wouldn't understand fully how my DW is feeling, what's going through her head and body, and how normal her/our pregnancy is developing.

I'll go back to lurkdom now and stop badly phrasing things...

museumworker

I told my boss today! He was very positive about it, and I do feel relieved having said it . 11 weeks tomorrow, and 12 days to go til scan, I really can't wait to see baby bean.

Have had a few broken nights sleep, and still very tired, but hoping will all start to get easier in a few weeks.