Question about the death process. (Factual thread so pls don't read if sensitive)

tara747

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I actually always find it comforting to see someone's body, but then being Irish we have far more of a tradition of it and it's regarded as 'normal' to do so. I know I've always found it comforting that the person is so clearly not 'there'. It certainly makes the whole burial process much easier if you know that you are effectively burying a sort of overcoat rather than the person you loved (if that makes sense). I know also with my much loved grandmother, having time on my own with her body felt very special and important. I didn't have that time with my grandad when he passed for various reasons and I sort of felt like I missed out a bit on the chance to just be at peace with him for a few minutes.

That said, I don't know for sure how I'd feel about a parent, sibling or partner...although I know for sure I couldn't bury them without seeing them first.

But each to their own, there are no rules of death and you should do whatever feels right for you alisajo!

I'm the same. I have lost a fair few family members, including my dad, and in all cases they were 'waked' and laid out at home. That's just what we do here, it's totally normal to us and I would never have it any other way. It is comforting. Relatives and friends then come to pay their respects.

There were hundreds and hundreds of people through the house when my dad died, and about a thousand at the funeral. Awful as those three days were, we were comforted and proud that so many people came to see him. It's a very Irish thing though, I'd be very interested to hear if any UK posters do the same.

My mum used to work in a nursing home and laid out the patients when they died. They always had a favourite outfit, and she used to do their hair and makeup and make them look as nice as possible. She said that it was a privilege to do it.

shopndrop

Deepest sympathy to aliasojo.

I must say, to be able to ask just about any questions on MSE and be able to get a response like this is just wonderful. At times like this MSE is full of such useful non judgemental advice.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

As this is a very practical thread, hopefully this is an appropriate place to give some information that people do not usually know of.

I did work experience in a hospital mortuary.

Each person is brought in by the porters and they are allocated their own cool space, where they await collection by the undertakers. As the hospital mortuary Chapel of Rest is probably the last thing on the mind of any manager in the entire building, they don't get refurbished. The staff therefore have to try and do their best with very old covers and the like.

If family wish to see their loved ones, a call will go to the Mortuary and they will ensure the room is clean, tidy and then place the relative ready for them. A Christian minister will have the cross facing them, other Christians have the cross above their heads, non Christians will have it covered by a curtain. After the viewing, the relative will be returned to their space until they are collected and taken to the Funeral Directors. At all times of transfer, which is almost instant; the car arrives and the person is immediately moved from their space to a trolley and from there to the car, the person is enclosed to protect their privacy; they are treated gently. Any talking is very low and quiet and kept strictly to the necessary for a smooth transition.

As the undertakers do their work, they take whatever action they need to try and give people positive memories. A friend asked me why her mum had purple lipstick on. As many who have seen male relatives can explain, this disguises any darkening of the lips.


The children generally have their own spaces, especially the teeny tiny ones. They are handled just as gently as any sleeping baby and are swaddled in blankets whilst in their space with moisture proof spaces rather than enclosed in anything. If a parent needs to see them, they are gently taken out in a manner suggesting so as not to wake them and laid in a cot with as pretty bedlinen as they can get hold of - again, they don't get funding for it, it usually comes out of a member of staff's pocket. The lights are on low and the parents are led into the same room as the adults, but it is intended to look just like they are sleeping in their cot.

When they are collected by the undertakers, they are usually lifted by the technician from their place and carried to the car by hand, tiny bundles wrapped in their blankets and laid down again as though to not wake them. There is no conversation.



After my work experience, I went straight home and collected my daughter's best cot linen from the cupboard and gave it to them. The next day was Christmas Eve. It was used that same night.

So, if anyone could find it in their hearts to contact their local hospital mortuary and ask if they would be able to accept a donation of spotlessly clean, boilable cot linen and blankets, it would be an unusual but much appreciated gesture, as nobody likes to think of the department's work.

Savvy_Sue

Jojo, you've made me blub! but thank you.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

they are allocated their own cool space,

Now THAT is a better phrase to use than 'fridge!'. And it is good to know that my old-fashioned father finally made it to a 'cool' space! :rotfl:

NickyBat

tara747 wrote: »

I'm the same. I have lost a fair few family members, including my dad, and in all cases they were 'waked' and laid out at home. That's just what we do here, it's totally normal to us and I would never have it any other way. It is comforting. Relatives and friends then come to pay their respects.

There were hundreds and hundreds of people through the house when my dad died, and about a thousand at the funeral. Awful as those three days were, we were comforted and proud that so many people came to see him. It's a very Irish thing though, I'd be very interested to hear if any UK posters do the same.

My mum used to work in a nursing home and laid out the patients when they died. They always had a favourite outfit, and she used to do their hair and makeup and make them look as nice as possible. She said that it was a privilege to do it.

I think this is a wonderful thing to do, to bring your family member back to their home before their final journey - but not something i could do.......i don't think.

tara747

NickyBat wrote: »

I think this is a wonderful thing to do, to bring your family member back to their home before their final journey - but not something i could do.......i don't think.

Culture/traditions are different for everyone tbh. But I do find it comforting, definitely.

Jojo - thanks for that xo

zzzLazyDaisy

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I did work experience in a hospital mortuary.

The children generally have their own spaces, especially the teeny tiny ones. They are handled just as gently as any sleeping baby and are swaddled in blankets whilst in their space with moisture proof spaces rather than enclosed in anything. If a parent needs to see them, they are gently taken out in a manner suggesting so as not to wake them and laid in a cot with as pretty bedlinen as they can get hold of.

This made me cry, but thank you for sharing your experience

RacyRed

Jojo, thank you so much for sharing that. I am also in tears now.

This month's survey/cash back money is going towards pretty cot linen for the local hospital.

pelirocco

My Mil had fluids ( and obviously food) withdrawn in the last few days of her life . For the first 2 days we found it distressing , because she seemed uncomfortable , but then she became very peaceful and looked very well , She was in the end stage of dementia , swallowing was not possible and giving fluids through a drip would have caused her distress. She had a very peaceful and dignified death and the day before she was more alert then she had been for weeks and was aware that her whole family was with her

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

RacyRed wrote: »

Jojo, thank you so much for sharing that. I am also in tears now.

[whispers] Still gets me after all these years.