Question about the death process. (Factual thread so pls don't read if sensitive)

busiscoming2

I was surprised when my mums ashes were collected from the undertakers as they came in a brown plastic jar with a screw lid, almost exactly the same as the ones you got in sweetshops.

Errata

aliasojo wrote: »

Ok, got a cremation question now.

When the coffin disappears behind the curtains, does it get burnt straight away or stored somewhere in a queue? How do you know the ashes you get are your relative's and not part her, part Mr Smith who was in before? I'm told you can arrange some sort of (more expensive) process where the area is cleaned out and you're guaranteed to only get your relative, but I honestly don't know how they could do this? The cynical part of me says it's just a con to get more money and you'd be none the wiser anyway. (That's if that bit is true, of course).

Also, when do you get the ashes? I'm assuming it's not straight away?

The ashes are those of the person who was cremated, and nobody else. That's the way crematoria are designed and operated.
The FD usually asks the person arranging the cremation what their wishes are for the ashes - scattered in the crematorium garden or collected by someone. AFAIR the urn containing the ashes is available for collection a few days afterwards, and it could be collected from the FD.

RAS

We had a wonderful family event some time after the cremation.

Our family member had asked for their ashes to be scattered in their favourite place, near where they lived for many years. We had a local service there anyway and in the morning, took the ashes to the special place.

It was very windy so there we are throwing her ashes to the wind, with them swirling around. Normally the wind blows the other direction up there. We were all crying, but not necessarily with grief! And a number of the walkers and cars nearby ended up taking a bit of her with them!

May sound morbid but there was something very very touching loving and personal about handling their ashes and committing someone to the wind. Even more so than a burial, ashes to ashes and dust to dust.

Savvy_Sue

aliasojo wrote: »

SS, did you have a second service when you buried Dad's ashes? Or was it just a matter of fact low key thing?

Not sure what sis intends to do and it wont be too easy for me to get back down again if the norm is to have a second service.

I don't know what the 'norm' is because this is the first time I've had personal involvement with a death, and the first family cremation I've been to.

It was matter of fact and low key, we had the minister there because Dad had a lot of time for him (never really went to church until he started going to that one). It was 6 months after Dad died, btw, because as the FD said when we said we'd like to bury Dad's ashes at Acorn Ridge "It's a lovely place in the summer, not so great on a wet winter's afternoon."

As it was we could not have buried Dad's ashes quickly because the ground was frozen for aaaaaages afterwards.

Anyway, we gathered and had lunch at my sister's house, then drove out to the site, where they had dug the hole. We'd brought some plants to put round it - they give guidance on what won't be eaten by the rabbits! We all stood round the hole, Minister said some words, Big Brother put the box in the hole, and everyone helped fill it in and plant the plants and water them. And I'd brought some fizzy water, plastic glasses, and a box of Celebrations to share! I may have said a few words ...

What else? we took some photos of Dad's tree, and all of us by it. and then we all had to go because there were trains to catch. With hindsight we wished we'd left it to another date, but I don't know we'd ever have found a better one.

busiscoming2 wrote: »

I was surprised when my mums ashes were collected from the undertakers as they came in a brown plastic jar with a screw lid, almost exactly the same as the ones you got in sweetshops.

We had a very tasteful wooden box with a brass plaque on it, but I suspect that's what the burial site required.

Kaz2904

Jojo, thanks so much for sharing your story. It made me well up reading it.
I remember one Sunday, not long after I had qualified, I came down the stairs to go home and saw one of the Sisters from A&E walking along the corridor with a precious little baby swaddled in blankets. She was followed by parents and I just *knew*. I don't think it was particularly obvious to non staff (don't even remember if there was anyone there). I mentioned it to one of my colleagues a while after and they said that if this Sister was on duty, she was always the one who went down. Something in her nature, she's such a wonderful person and so kind that she seemed to have an aura about her.
It still makes me shudder though, the thought.

busiscoming2

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I don't know what the 'norm' is because this is the first time I've had personal involvement with a death, and the first family cremation I've been to.

It was matter of fact and low key, we had the minister there because Dad had a lot of time for him (never really went to church until he started going to that one). It was 6 months after Dad died, btw, because as the FD said when we said we'd like to bury Dad's ashes at Acorn Ridge "It's a lovely place in the summer, not so great on a wet winter's afternoon."

As it was we could not have buried Dad's ashes quickly because the ground was frozen for aaaaaages afterwards.

Anyway, we gathered and had lunch at my sister's house, then drove out to the site, where they had dug the hole. We'd brought some plants to put round it - they give guidance on what won't be eaten by the rabbits! We all stood round the hole, Minister said some words, Big Brother put the box in the hole, and everyone helped fill it in and plant the plants and water them. And I'd brought some fizzy water, plastic glasses, and a box of Celebrations to share! I may have said a few words ...

What else? we took some photos of Dad's tree, and all of us by it. and then we all had to go because there were trains to catch. With hindsight we wished we'd left it to another date, but I don't know we'd ever have found a better one.

We had a very tasteful wooden box with a brass plaque on it, but I suspect that's what the burial site required.

We took the ashes to be scattered so it didn't matter.

hcb42

I've still not done that part, FD picked up the ashes but we collected them eventually. Cant get family to make decision,although I think we are opting for a ceremonialpot at the crem site, but there is a huge waitinglist. And I really dont want a ceremony either...

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

FIL went into various prime spots in MIL's garden, mostly around the bird feeders. That way she could chatter away to him like beforehand, when emphysema meant that he had to just sit in the garden and listen to her endless twitterings as he couldn't escape by hopping over the garden fence when her back was turned anymore. (His words)

He also said that if she is found one day having been taken out by a stray clump of daffodils or a flock of attack Robins, it would mean that he'd finally managed to get the last word

aliasojo

helencbradshaw wrote: »

....I think we are opting for a ceremonialpot at the crem site, but there is a huge waitinglist.

Sorry, don't understand. Waiting list for what exactly?


Well I'm sat here at 1.35am unable to sleep. Laid in bed for 2 hours before finally giving it up as a bad job and getting up to make a cuppa.

We're leaving for Edinburgh in the morning and need to be up early so why oh why is it always times like this when I need to sleep, I just can't! I'm not worried or upset or anything, I just cant sleep.

My early evening 'entertainment' was coffin and casket browsing on the net. Maybe my subconscious is not letting me sleep in case I end up not waking up again.

I've decided when it's my time, I'm going to make it a less sombre affair for my lot. None of your oak coffins with solid brass handles for me....I'm having a brightly painted coffin (design still to be determined but swaying towards a meadow scene with blue skies, green grass and lots of flowers). How could you feel sad looking at that?

vaio

tara747 wrote: »

I'm the same. I have lost a fair few family members, including my dad, and in all cases they were 'waked' and laid out at home. That's just what we do here, it's totally normal to us and I would never have it any other way. It is comforting. Relatives and friends then come to pay their respects.

There were hundreds and hundreds of people through the house when my dad died, and about a thousand at the funeral. Awful as those three days were, we were comforted and proud that so many people came to see him. It's a very Irish thing though, I'd be very interested to hear if any UK posters do the same...........

Much the same in the South Wales valleys