Question about the death process. (Factual thread so pls don't read if sensitive)

Loanranger

So sorry to hear of your pain with this experience.

When my dad was dying I was advised to tell him it was OK to leave us and start on his final journey. He was unconscious but seemed to be fretting. I mustered up my courage and gave him permission to go and within a few minutes he became calm and passed away within 15 hours. He did not regain consciousness.

I have no idea whether my few words made any difference.

grey_lady

When my grandmother died, right in the end her skin did look healthier, it was quite amazing all her wrinkles smoothed out and her face took on a pinker glow - I can't remember if this was hours or minutes before the end though. The last sign I think was her nailbeds turning grey/black as the oxygen left.

GlasweJen

Mum said that black feet signaled the last few days, when we've had relatives who are terminal mum can estimate their time of death within half an hours accuracy.

You can still speak to your relative, apparently hearing is the last thing to go.

aliasojo

Thanks everyone. I've already come to terms with and accepted her passing, in fact I've been praying she would die ever since we were given the last (poor) prognosis. That sounds really hard but she's 91, was born slightly !!!!!! (official diagnosis, not my words) is deaf & dumb and now also blind. She hasn't eaten properly in weeks and was pretty much bed bound.

She's been unconscious since her last stroke and there is no comfort we can give her even if she is aware on some level, simply because her senses are not there to absorb it. Her left side was affected by a previous stroke and this more recent one has affected her right side and it's believed she has no feeling in either hand now so it's questionable whether she can even feel her hand being held.

It seems crueller to me for her to remain with us in this condition, I'd much rather she passed and was in peace. My desire for peace for her is greater than my sadness. We were disturbed by her apparent improvement but it does seem this is just another stage in the process. Her breathing has now become shallower so I guess she's beginning to move on.

I'm not there just now but other family members are. I think it's easier for me as I'm not seeing what they are.

Thank you for all your replies and thoughts.

Tish_P

I'm so sorry aliasojo. Wishing you and your family strength to deal with the grief when it comes.

gratefulforhelp_2

Hugs, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

BitterAndTwisted

This is all sounding so terribly familiar. It's been over a decade now but the memory of it still manages to distress. The only good thing is that the person is almost certainly not aware at this stage and probably hasn't been for quite some time. I imagined that the end would be distressing for our mother because I'd never witnessed someone dying before but it really wasn't, it was very gentle and gradual and the only distress was ours. When I go, I want to leave this earth just like she did, God willing.

I don't know whether it's appropriate to offer one's condolences before the event but I wish you and yours all the best Aliasojo

LJM

i have to agree maube this is a way of the body trying to fight off shutting down

RacyRed

aliasojo, I'm so sorry to read this.

I've seen this too and it is very unnerving, making you question the difficult decisions which have already been made. For my relative the end was very peaceful when it came. The surge in health shortly before seemed to calm her and the pain she was in appeared to ease, so perhaps it has some sort of preparation purpose.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

mrsr

So sorry to hear this,i know how your feeling we went through it with my mother three weeks ago.

She had a massive stroke the hospital said she only had days and would not know anything.we had her moved back to her nursing home where people who knew her could care for her.the day before she died we were getting a reponse from her we will never know if she knew it was us,it only lasted a while then she was out of it again,so as others have said maybe this is the final process.We got worried and thought she may be getting better and they should do something.

Thoughts are with you