Advice please

Forthebetter

I will be telling her, I'm considering possibly the half term coming up and contacting the school cousellor to keep any eye when she returns and to offer her support and confidentiality if she would like it, she won't quite be 16 but maybe as a family the plans we have made for that and prom will give her something positive to think about and us another point of focus for conversation.

I will contact him first to inform him and state that any contact she makes or does not will be down to her and that I will not accept him forcing himself into her life.

I think maybe letters or Phonecalls would be best to start with as I can't help but be nervous for her safety.

I will keep it brief I feel no need to tell her everything i think any decisions she makes should be her own.

I will after consideration be contacting him with regards to CSA and asking for his details, I feel that as she wants to attend college and university and he would like to tell her he is her father he can accept some financial responsibility.

pulliptears

Believe me hun, my son's 'father' was scum. He was a thief, a drug addict and a liar who's parting shot was to steal all the money I had put aside for DS's essentials like a cot, pram etc. Last I heard of him he had been jailed for a long time for yet another car theft.

I didn't name him on the birth certificate, I left that bit blank, but I wrestled with my conscience for a while whether to say anything, OH had come along and as far as we were all concerned he was Dad. But the more I thought about it the more I considered that if this child got to his teens and discovered this, would he rebel? would he use it against me in typical fiery teenager style? I couldn't take the risk so from when he was very small he knew there was someone else out there.

Maybe I was lucky, but throughout his life he has never shown any interest, he is of the opinion his Dad is the one who raised him, fed him, clothed him, LOVED him. We've had some humdingers of rows but he has never uttered those feared words "You're not my Dad!".

Hopefully your DD will be the same, she will recognise that being a Dad entails so much more than being around at the conception, but you have to let her decide that. She sounds a good, sensible girl.

I really feel for you hun. Good luck.

downshifted

This sounds harsh, but is straight from the heart. Under my normal screen name, not some pseudonym, because honesty is important.

As someone who has been on the receiving end of a mother's deceit in this matter I am familiar with the kind of self justifying excuses you have put on here. You may not have exactly lied until recently, but you have deliberately decieved your daughter about her parenthood. And now an approach has been made and you have lied. What kind of relationship is built on untruths?

You pretend, both to yourself and on here that it was all for for the best of reasons. Many people have faced a similar situation but managed to be honest and retain respect. Everyone deserves to know their parenthood.

Had you been honest she would be far less likely to be impressed by the approaches made now.

I am surprised you have managed to keep this secret until she is almost 16, I was 14 when I found out. It was most painful to learn that I had been deceived, and particularly that other people were in on the secret when I wasn't. It's no good saying you didn't want her to feel different - she is now likely to feel different from the rest of her family - whereas she could have grown up with a general understanding that things had changed (actually for the better) when she was very young. She may now feel doesn't know who she is, that she is not the person she thought she was because her father is not her biological father and her siblings are in fact half siblings. More than 40 years later the deceit still upsets me. From my viewpoint the only person that came out of it with any credit was the man I had been led to believe was my dad because he had treated me as his own when he didn't have to.

When I was young no one knew much about psychology and the effects upbringing can have on children, but they do now. It's many many years since adoptive children were not told about their true parenthood - for a reason - children have a right to know and need to know where they came from. A matter as important as that does not just get pushed aside, or not come up, or be glossed over and secrets usually come out sooner or later. You made a big mistake and it is your daughter who has to cope with a sudden shock now.

You need to put things straight asap. I hope you have the conversation soon, and that you don't spend time justifying your mistake and telling her you did it for her, or time belittling him (however much of an idiot he is, she has his blood in her veins, it's really not going to help the situation it will just make her feel worse). Certainly don't let her feel that you resent having had to pay for her upkeep while he didn't pay a penny, or that you want money out of him now - her immediate question would be wasn't she worth it? Just apologise for avoiding the issue, apologise for lying, accept you have made a big mistake and hope you have built a good enough relationship already for her to forgive you. Keep telling her how much you love her and have your partner do the same.

I don't paint an easy picture and my sympathies are obviously with your daughter because I have been there. But if you don't tell her quickly it will be worse when she finds out another way. And she will.

I did forgive my mum, and grew to understand what had happened and why, but not for years. I hope you and your daughter fare better and I also hope that this thread helps anyone else who has been keeping this kind of secret to be honest with their children sooner rather than later.

Forthebetter

I will be apologising but I can't change the past, I maybe should have made her grow up constantly reminding her that dad is not dad, I appreciate your honest post and the sting in it is no less than I deserve and what I expect to receive.



Money is not an issue we have always accounted for the children and what costs are involved, it won't be for us it is as someone suggested an option for her.

Js_Other_Half

I think that since her external exams are happening NOW (assume you are in Scotland) then leaving it until they are finished is probably for the best.

Forthebetter

I thought so too but the majority think now is best, I want to do what is right for her, not me it's not about me in any way just how best to approach and support her.

DVardysShadow

Forthebetter wrote: »

I will be telling her, I'm considering possibly the half term coming up and contacting the school cousellor to keep any eye when she returns and to offer her support and confidentiality if she would like it, she won't quite be 16 but maybe as a family the plans we have made for that and prom will give her something positive to think about and us another point of focus for conversation.

I will contact him first to inform him and state that any contact she makes or does not will be down to her and that I will not accept him forcing himself into her life.

I think maybe letters or Phonecalls would be best to start with as I can't help but be nervous for her safety.

I will keep it brief I feel no need to tell her everything i think any decisions she makes should be her own.

I will after consideration be contacting him with regards to CSA and asking for his details, I feel that as she wants to attend college and university and he would like to tell her he is her father he can accept some financial responsibility.

You really are making quite a meal of this - and avoiding actually telling her for a while longer. The school counsellor does not need to be informed - should not be informed - until after you have told your daughter. Especially because you are prevaricating - you could end up telling the counsellor and avoiding telling your daughter and it could come out in quite the wrong place. You should not be contacting her bio father either, until you have told your daughter. She is the only person who needs to be told anything at this stage. The more you stage manage it, the more she will feel it is a big thing and resent you for it. And I don't know when half term is, but you should do it at the first instant you have a week clear of exams.

Forthebetter

A week clear .... She has an exam tomorrow.

I'm making myself dizzy trying to piece all the advice together, some suggested counselling I thought that if she felt unable to shout about her anger in front of me and let it off at school instead of being punished they would have been fore warned and able to help, that's not stage managing that's putting a safety net around for her.

I thought to contact him so he could prepare and reply to her straight away rather than her hanging on for an answer.

DVardysShadow

OK, so not tonight. Counselling may well be required. But the time to deal with that is after the need becomes apparent. Calling a safety net makes it no better than stage management. The whole problem with this is that you have got it majorly wrong for many years by resolutely not telling her [of course, your motives were good] - a kind of safety net. Now, you not only have to tell her about her bio dad, but you also need to admit that your handling of it was seriously mistaken. But what are you seeking to do? You are seeking to do more of the same 'protective' management of her life when the message should be that your protective management was mistaken.

Her issue is not going to be that she has a bio dad she did not know about. It is going to be that you did not tell her and you 'protectively' managed the situation. If she is going to go off on one about anything, it is about 'protectively' managing what you tell her. She is going to be hypersensitive to this and you are proposing to carry on with more of the same, despite coming to a situation where it is palinly unsustainable. What you have done so far will damage your relationship with her. I would say it is probably for the most part repairable - if you are prepared to come clean and say you made the wrong call. But if you carry on with the protective net, your actions will say 'OK, had to come clean about bio dad, but it is business as usual' and actions speak louder than words. You are going to destroy whatever trust in you she might have left - if she has the least spark of independence about her.

FGS, tell her and leave it at that.

mimmy1977

I have had counselling due to another reason but this whole issue came up.You see your not only dealing with your Father not really wanting you,but your Mother lying to you (I know in your case you have her intrests at heart)
I think I struggled with that part more.Our family is seriously messed up anyway,but I still feel the reprecussions now.