Advice please

starry_eyed_4

you need to tell her truth, no matter how hard it is for you.

It isn't fair to let her believe someone else is her dad, it isn't a secret you can keep forever and the longer you leave it the worse it is going to be for her.

I think she will be angry you have lied but will hopefully understand why.

Forthebetter

I know the answer, deep down I do I'm not making excuses to put it off, however why should he not be held accountable for not asking for over a decade, it's the magical 16 the most important years and maybe my question should be 'how do I tell her' and how do I support her if the novelty of seeing her wears off, also I don't want to see him but nor do I wish her to see him alone because of as you say malice etc with a young child it would be a conatct centre but what for her being older ? I want her safe and surrounded by protection not paraded around like a found 'trophy' .

Please don't think any meaness is intended towards any replies I truly appreciate your replies

dandy-candy

I feel really bad for you and i'm sure you are very upset that this has happened. I had my eldest DS when I was 19 and my then BF was a waster, didn't bother to come to the register of births and so wasn't put on the certificate (we never married) and we split when my DS was 3. I didn't ever get a penny from him, he used to knock me and my DS about and finally did a bunk when the police were after him. We never heard a word until 2 weeks before my DS turned 18 when he wrote to my DS on Facebook. The difference is that my DS has always known my DH isn't his bio dad, even though he can't remember his bio dad and I have no photos lying around of him. When my ex wrote to him, my DS told me and I kept cool when they wrote back and forth a few times even though I was gutted inside. Then the ex made a comment about how he thought he'd been a good dad and I'd kept them apart so I sat my son down and told him everything and said you must decide for yourself if you want to see him. I was 100% honest with the facts, and my son wrote to the ex with a few questions. Well my ex spouted off, running me down and that was that - my son just didn't want to know and never wrote again.
I know it will be very hard for your DD because it will be a shock but I'd have your DH there too and you both can hug her and reassure her how much you love.

mountainofdebt

Can I just ask what is on her birth certifcate with regards her paternity?

If it has been left blank then it would take an extremely naive 16 year old not to question why (unless of course she's had no cause to see her birth certificate)

If it is her biological father on her birth certificate then its only a matter of time before she puts 2 and 2 together.

For what it's worth she will put 2 and 2 together - I was always flumexed by a certain fact concerning my parents but managed to put the pieces of the puzzle together long before I was told (which happended to be the scenario that I had come up with).

nearlyrich

Whether or not she forms a relationship with her "dad" you should tell her the truth about her parentage, as others have said she may be hostile to you about it knowing that you have lied (by omission). I understand your feeelings towards your ex but that is no reason to stop your daughter from making the decision if she wants him in her life. As long as there are people around who know the truth you will always be worryng that she will find out and surely it's better for her to hear this from you and her stepdad who loves her as if she was his own daughter than some random stranger on FB?

soupdragon10

Your daughter deserves to know the truth. She is already suspicious, and if you keep this from her, and she finds out from someone else, then this could prove damaging to your relationship with her.

At 16 she is old enough to be told in plain terms why her biological father hasn't been in the picture, and as he has shown no interest in her, why you haven't talked about this before.

She sounds an intelligent young lady, and would be able to read between the lines about a 'father' who hasn't wanted contact until now.

As she intends to stay in education I would also make sure that he pays maintenance for her to help with this, especially as the education maintenance allowance won't be in place next year. It might at least help her with college costs if nothing else. It could be paid directly to her, so that he can't claim you are trying to fleece him (though how he could do this with no support for her for most of her life is beyond me).

Very best of luck with this, and I hope it works out for the best for your family.

Fang_3

I'd tell your daughter the truth and then sue the barstewered for 16 year's child support payments.

Forthebetter

Again I thank you all for your time, her birth cert has a blank space, years ago when I was young and we were adding to our family we considered adding my dh but we knew thus was a romantic idea and neither of us would have the heart to lie to her forever, my omission was to protect her and not have her wondering why he didn't want her it was only possible because he NEVER tried to make contact, I guess I'm upset that she will blame me and I realise her tears will kill me inside and make me question why I never chased him never tried to force him and never asked him for anything but truly in my heart I just wanted her to feel loved and normal within our family.

I'm rambling and apologise, I guess this summer will be a hard one and I'm hoping it does not damage my dd, we will of course pull through and whatever she decides I will support. I will keep it simple I think and not get inti name calling my family will also be able to inform her that it was his choice not mine.

She idolises her dad and is def princess in his heart so I hope the bond they have will carry there relationship through.

Dammed if I do and dammed if i don't I guess.

Thankyou

mimmy1977

I was in your daughters position.Please please please tell her the truth.
No matter how hurt you think she will be,it will be nothing to the hurt she will feel when she does find out the truth.

Your obviously a very loving Mom whos trying to protect her baby and thats fantastic,but she needs to know and coming from you is the best way.

Im 34 and found out through other family.
Mine and my Moms relationship was very shakey anyway,but if Im honest I dont think I will ever forgive her for not telling me.

Good luck with it all,and if ever you need to talk to anyone that can relate either you or her please feel free to bend my ear lol.

dreambirdie

Forthebetter - i have sent you a PM.