Advice please

kafkathecat

Every family is different but my siblings and I only found out who our father was in our teens, all separately. None of us were that bothered or that keen to see our father although of course he wasn't looking for us which made it easier. It doesn't always have to be a big deal.

Wilma33

I suspect she already knows. Has she ever seen her birth certificate? 16 year olds know that "nutters" don't pretend to be their dad on facebook. She must think it's odd that she has never seen a baby photo of her and her "dad" or any photos of her parents together before she was born. She probably really wants to talk about it with you, but is keeping up the lie to protect you.

JoJoB

I suspect she already knows too, and if not for certain she already has enough ambiguity about her parentage to give her as much anxiety and emotional turmoil as knowing for certain the acual facts.

She has a few months before the major stage of her a levels -so let her know now and give her the opportunity to process the facts before she has to concentrate on her exams. Or else the worst cae scenario is that reality is broken to her right in the midst of everything by facebook idiots!

dancing_star

My BF's son found out when he was 7 or 8 that his mum's husband wasn't his bio dad. There's a long story I don't want to go into, but basically it was BF's fault, he did a runner. He was reunited with his son at 8, when the mum's marriage broke up and son found out the truth.

BF got to know his son slowly, and the upshot is that now the son lives with my BF. While relations between my BF and the lad's mum aren't great (huge bust up a couple of weeks ago), they are (finally) working on being cordial and with a lot of family support things are getting better.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that your ex may have changed - my BF is proof positive that a runaway dad can change. Even if he is still a waster, your daughter deserves to know the truth. Good luck.

pupsicola

I haven't had time to read the other posts so excuse me if this has been asked. Am I getting this right, your daughter is 16 and thinks that your husband is her dad, she is unaware of her real father?

Such a tricky situation. Unfortunately your ex and maybe some inconsiderate member of his family are unlikely to drop this. I can see why you may think he has waited till now to contact you and her.

You and your husband are the 2 people who she loves and trusts most. At some point she is going to find out the truth. Look at it from her point of view. It is going to rock her, would come as a huge shock to anyone. Make it easier on her by telling her yourself. There is always going to be something going on in her life to make it a non-ideal time to bring it up. The sooner she knows the better.

Forthebetter

Evening all thanks for the replies,

I just want to say I never intended to never tell dd about her bio dad but the subject has never come up, he left when she was 1 and had started not turning up constantly and fell of the planet when she was 2, I'm more concerned that his family tried to announce it to her via fb (which even he said was callous), I may be selfish in wanting to wait until after her exams but being a teenager myself once I think she could do without it at the moment and will understand that I didn't want this to disrupt it for her. Her bc she has never had a need to see and if she has she has not questioned it, I do not like my photograph taken and she sees nothing strange in being in her pictures just with family or siblings or oh as she knows I have this hang up.Maybe she has an inkling children can be very intelligent but by not questioning it (and believe me we have an open and honest relationship and have happily discussed sex, contraceptives, alcohol, drugs and the rest in between) she trusts I will tell her in time.

It's easy to know the right answer but it's sometimes harder to take the bull by the horns.... I think I will contact bio and ask what he is actually looking for and explain that I think the choice of when and if she contacts him is down to her.

puddy

OP, you also (after telling her, which you hopefully are going to do in the next few days) need to be prepared for her to be angry about being mislead, she will feel betrayed and may try to reject and blame. Sorry to say that you have to take that as it comes, dont be angry at her reaction but at the same time, keep communicating no matter how rejecting or angry she becomes. You need to get to a point where although she may not like what you have done, you still maintain authority. Dont aquiesse any power to her through this process out of guilt, you are still her parent.

I think the point about your OH is also the case, he needs to be part of this and to emphasise that he chose to be her father and is still her 'dad'. I would also try and get some support and advice about how to manage her and your emotions during that fall out period.

However, please dont let the prospect of her feelings put you off telling her, you know you need to and asap.

good luck

pupsicola

Harry_Flashman wrote: »

I guess what I'm trying to say is the old slogan - anyone can be a father, but it takes effort to be a 'Dad'.

So true. Her reaction may surprise you. There may be hurt and anger at first. I would give her the basic facts and let her absorb those. She will probably have lots of questions once the initial shock has worn off. Then you can sit down and calmly explain to her what her dad was really like. Not to be malicious but she deserves to know the truth. She may or may not wish to meet him, but she deserves to know what kind of individual she is dealing with. After a bit of time and thought she will probably look at the man who has been there for her all her life and bought her up and have a huge amount of respect for him. For both of you.

DVardysShadow

Forthebetter wrote: »

Evening all thanks for the replies,

I just want to say I never intended to never tell dd about her bio dad but the subject has never come up, he left when she was 1 and had started not turning up constantly and fell of the planet when she was 2, I'm more concerned that his family tried to announce it to her via fb (which even he said was callous), I may be selfish in wanting to wait until after her exams but being a teenager myself once I think she could do without it at the moment and will understand that I didn't want this to disrupt it for her. Her bc she has never had a need to see and if she has she has not questioned it, I do not like my photograph taken and she sees nothing strange in being in her pictures just with family or siblings or oh as she knows I have this hang up.Maybe she has an inkling children can be very intelligent but by not questioning it (and believe me we have an open and honest relationship and have happily discussed sex, contraceptives, alcohol, drugs and the rest in between) she trusts I will tell her in time.

It's easy to know the right answer but it's sometimes harder to take the bull by the horns.... I think I will contact bio and ask what he is actually looking for and explain that I think the choice of when and if she contacts him is down to her.

Please stop dithering and smoothing over your own conscience with the idea that she trusts you to tell her.

She should have been told by the time she was 12. The exams are just another excuse for procrastination and unfortunately, you have lost the advantage of being trusted, because she has heard from another direction. You have compounded your error by fobbing this off as a nutter and you have put yourself in the position of deceit.

You need to tell her right now. Tonight. You are doing her no real favour by holding off until after the exams - you are just making your reputation with her and her own state of mind a hostage to fortune as to whether she will find more snippets.

Forthebetter

I can't now she is currently in front of me revising for one of her higher science gcse for tomorrow, she wants this so much I won't give the ammo for her hard work to fall at this point.... I'm her mum and accept that her feelings either way will fall on me and my guilt for that she will never know. I feel great pain at tearing apart her world. And fb works both ways so the fact bio has a few new children one not too much younger than her speaks volumes to me about why he waited, bitter I'm not I'm proud of my family and wish him luck and she won't hear me cussing him down to sway her but still it smarts that he does nothing but can find her so easily when he wanted to. When the hard work and guidence are coming to fruition for her and he thinks he's untouchable for money.