Advice please

adviceforall

Hi,
I was in your situation a couple of years ago, daughter had no idea that OH was not her biological dad, as you said we never intended to lie but years roll bye and there is never a moment that you suddenly think I must tell her now, her sister and brother never knew either, just close family and a few friends..Her BD said to a friends daughter that he was her dad and the daughter had told my friend who told me, but nothing came about that at that time..
She got to her early twenties ( she is now 24) when her biological dad apprantley came up to one of her friends in a club and said he was her dad....One evening I got in to my sister phoning me up saying that my daughter had heard and wanted to know what was going on.....There was no point in lying at this stage ( we had never lied as in stated that OH was her biological dad)...
She came round the next day and we talked, I found him on FB and she contacted him they have met a few times but nothing much has come of this...
So I know exactly what you are going through..The do I dont I? You know deep down you should but dont want to rock the boat when all seems well.........Its that how do I bring it up out of the blue.....

He never had anything to do with her in the first 20 yrs, we split up before she was born and has been with OH for 24 yrs..He never paid a penny in maintenance either....

If you want to pm me anything or would like to hear from my daughter from her point of view then please ask.....
My daughter and I have had our ups and downs but I dont think it changed our relationship...

Good luck with whatever you decide

Her relationship with my OH has probably got better since it all came out as well

puddy

im sorry, but you are focussing on the wrong thing. yes he neglected and abandoned her and you, but this is not the focus of the situation at the moment.

you are missing the point, you have deceived your daughter for years about who her paternal family are, every child has a right to know where they come from. there are thousands of children who had the same start in life as she did, that being that mum was coping on her own and dad wasnt part of that family then, but they knew who he was, then when mum got with a new permanent partner who carried out a father role, they developed a father/child relationship but the child still knows the difference between her dad and her biological father.

thats what should have happened and you now need to give her the information.

what time does her exam finish tomorrow and what else does she have next week?

Forthebetter

I will be telling her bio agreed after the fb incident that she should be left alone till her exams. I'm more worried about how to say it, can I just add that I eventually found the strength to leave him with the support of family and police so there is really no love lost there. And no I won't be explaining that to her either.My concern is the best way to go around telling her and I have recieved some wonderful ideas on here.

onlyroz

You need to tell her, right now, I'm afraid. You have only made things worse by lying to her.

There are also other sound reasons for her knowing the truth, regardless of whether she wants to make contact with her biological father. For example what if she ends up with some hereditary illness - and the doctors treating her want a family medical history? She might end up unknowingly giving the wrong information, which could have unthinkable consequences.

Jinx

Forthebetter wrote: »

I can't now she is currently in front of me revising for one of her higher science gcse for tomorrow, she wants this so much I won't give the ammo for her hard work to fall at this point.... I'm her mum and accept that her feelings either way will fall on me and my guilt for that she will never know. I feel great pain at tearing apart her world. And fb works both ways so the fact bio has a few new children one not too much younger than her speaks volumes to me about why he waited, bitter I'm not I'm proud of my family and wish him luck and she won't hear me cussing him down to sway her but still it smarts that he does nothing but can find her so easily when he wanted to. When the hard work and guidence are coming to fruition for her and he thinks he's untouchable for money.

Completely understandable they way you feel....

Id just like to say two things ; firstly he will not get the credit for anything she has become. As someone who has had an absent dad mine gets NO credit for who I am and how things have turned out - my mum gets full marks! Things might be difficult between you and DD for a while (or may not) but ultimately I think she'll see it the way I did/do.

Secondly, while you are in receipt of child benefit for your daughter he is liable for maintenance money and further, as far as I am aware even beyond this point your daughter can apply to the courts herself for further maintenance.

adviceforall

It is easy to say you must tell her now....But I know how it feels as to how to start a conversation about it and saying the right things.. The amount of times I worried about what would happen if it all came out and what to do for the best.. and feeling guilty for how long it had gone on for, but when things are going well its blooming difficult to break into that......I know she should know and its right but its not just that easy...

Forthebetter

Exactly advice for all .......

pulliptears

One of OH's friends got to 18 and found out his Dad wasn't his Dad. He never forgave his parents for deceiving him, and now, aged almost 40, still has a very strained relationship with his parents. You need to deal with this.

I had a similar issue with my son, he was 8 months when OH and I met, but we always told him the truth. He's 18 next month and has no interest or desire to meet his natural Father. He is happy and content with his lot. Lying to him would have, I imagine, led to a different outcome.

I think you need to be on damage limitation now. You have buried your head in the sand for long enough. Sorry if this sounds harsh but she needs to know the truth. You may feel its hard for you to sit her down and tell her but it will be a hell of a lot harder for her to hear it.

Its better coming from you than one of her natural family turning up and telling her everything. You can keep finding excuses to put this off forever, but in the end she needs to know.

Forthebetter

Yeah it's scary to think that by not telling her she had a bio dad who had fell off the planet For fear of her feeling unwanted and different that she could well end up hating me for the rest of her life. Wonder if he's worrying about any of this..

Caroline_a

You could always let him know that Child Support is payable until a child finishes fulltime education, and she is intending to go to uni (and do a 5 year cours maybe? ). See if he is so keen then...

However you still need to tell her I think. Try to be rational and stick to the facts. I'm horrified that you were attacked by his 'friends', so he's obviously a nasty piece of work if he condoned that.