Advice please

Forthebetter

I think I will leave money out of it until she decides what she wants to do, Fang the sheer bluntness of your post bought a smile to my face for some mad reason lol I figure if she wants to see him she can ask for 16 years back maintainenece (I doubt she would get it mind !) If she wants too see him it should be for the right reasons and if she chooses not too it means we won't have a reminder In the bank every month.

Gosh my head hurts from all this

sarah*a

I agree with everyone that you should tell her the truth - but I also have a DD going through exam stress now and she's put so much work into it that I wouldn't want to do anything to cause her to lose focus or create any additional stress.

Could you speak to her bio-dad and explain that you will speak to your DD about seeing him but she really must be allowed to focus on her education for the next few months. If he has really decided that it's time he stepped up to the plate and started acting like a father he will understand that it's in her best interests to wait another few months - after all he's already 'waited' 16 years!


Good luck - I certainly don't envy you

Harry_Flashman

I can't remember how old I was when I first met my father (never thought of him as 'Dad'). He and my dear old Ma split up just before I was born and he never paid her a penny for my upkeep.

To my Ma's credit, she encouraged me for all she was worth to get to know him. But d'ye know what? I saw him as a thundering irrelevance in my life. I met him twice before he died but he really didn't feel like family.

I guess what I'm trying to say is the old slogan - anyone can be a father, but it takes effort to be a 'Dad'.

Tish_P

There's always going to be something coming up that gives you an excuse to put off telling her the truth. It's her exams - it's the start of her A levels - it's Christmas and I don't want to spoil it - more exams - university / job applications or whatever else she plans to do after school..,

You should tell her the truth. Today. She'll likely be extremely upset and angry, or she may have already suspected something and take it better than you'd predict. But she deserves the truth. Yes, you still see her as a child and in many ways she still will be for some time. But the longer you leave it the more pathetic your answer will sound when she asks "Why didn't you tell me?"

starry_eyed_4

Forthebetter wrote: »

Again I thank you all for your time, her birth cert has a blank space, years ago when I was young and we were adding to our family we considered adding my dh but we knew thus was a romantic idea and neither of us would have the heart to lie to her forever, my omission was to protect her and not have her wondering why he didn't want her it was only possible because he NEVER tried to make contact, I guess I'm upset that she will blame me and I realise her tears will kill me inside and make me question why I never chased him never tried to force him and never asked him for anything but truly in my heart I just wanted her to feel loved and normal within our family.

I'm rambling and apologise, I guess this summer will be a hard one and I'm hoping it does not damage my dd, we will of course pull through and whatever she decides I will support. I will keep it simple I think and not get inti name calling my family will also be able to inform her that it was his choice not mine.

She idolises her dad and is def princess in his heart so I hope the bond they have will carry there relationship through.

Dammed if I do and dammed if i don't I guess.

Thankyou

I think even if she is angry when you tell her she will understand why you did it, you were trying to protect her from being hurt which is not a bad thing at all.
I hope it goes ok and she takes the news in her stride xx

Good luck

Counting_Pennies_2

nearlyrich wrote: »

Are you saying that your DD doesn't know that your husband is not her father? Regardless of whether she sees her "real" dad in the future I think you owe it to her to be honest with her about her parentage, at 16 she is old enought to decide if she wants a relationship with him.

I honestly think that despite it being your best intention, you needed to be honest with her from the start. Little children absorb things so much better.

Having said that you are in the position you are in now, and I think it might be best to get some professional help how you break the news to her. You have already denied it to her, and you need to find the right way to explain it to her.

I wonder if it is worth booking a few sessions with a counsellor to work out the best way to break the news. I would have thought she has a bit of an idea now, or at least it is niggling away.

It would then be her choice as to whether she sees him, and then having the right support network around her to support her if he lets her down.

Your role is now to be honest and help her as best you can.

mountainofdebt

Well given that there's a space on her birth certificate she must have an inkling that her dad isn't her biological dad.

I'm not sure how I would raise the topic tbh but I think that both you and your OH needs to be there and if possible then I think I would do when you three were on your own - potentially its going to be a hard conversation to have anyway without having younger children in earshot as well.

Perhaps its a good thing that this has come out - if only so that she can find out any health issues that may be relevant from her biological dad's side of the family.


One thing I would check upon, especially i f she hasn't seen her birth certificate, is to check whether the school will need to see it for her GCSEs - for some reason I seem to remember Junior having to take his in but I may be completely off the mark there. This may force your hand as to when you have that conversation.

Jinx

You need to tell her.... At this time you can pick the moment... You may not have this luxury in the future if someone else beats you to it and IMO this would be the worst way to find out.

I think you can deal with the 2 issues separately, firstly tell her about her biological dad and then later if she wants to you can sort out meeting him and she can take it from there herself.

Mojisola

Jinx wrote: »

You need to tell her.... At this time you can pick the moment... You may not have this luxury in the future if someone else beats you to it and IMO this would be the worst way to find out.

I think you can deal with the 2 issues separately, firstly tell her about her biological dad and then later if she wants to you can sort out meeting him and she can take it from there herself.

You really do need to tell her. At the moment, you've hidden her true parentage from her for 16 years and have already lied to her once when someone else tried to tell her the truth. Don't put yourself any more in the wrong.

Sambucus_Nigra

And get her to reset her facebook privacy?