Advice please

Forthebetter

Hello I'm posting under a new name to keep this private I hope you understand.

Basically my dilema is that almost 16 years ago I was with a partner and got pregnant, he didn't want to put his name on the birth cert, worked away and was not present for the birth or anything, he had no interest in the child but I tried for her sake to stay with him, he became threatening and nasty and after I was attacked by some 'friends' of his I left town.

I offered him contact but he was only interested in 'me', he paid
no
maintenance and after when she was about 2 he failed to pick her up and became uncontactable.

Fast forward to now and my dd who regards my husband as dad and her siblings as her own was shocked to read a fb message saying he's not your dad I know who is ( it was his sister) I told dd it was a nutter and she was happy with that.

He then sent me a message apologising I told him to leave well alone and he said it was wrong etc etc but it appears he now expects me to tell her he wants to see her and be 'dad'.

I'm not a bad minded person and I never deceived her he never came knocking or approached any of my family and she never felt diff in any way so I never told her any different.

What do I do..... I know he will let her down it's just this magical 16 thing, he probably waited till now so he won't have to pay maintenance. I guess that sounds harsh but I wanna tell him to just sod off if I'm honest.

So confused.

Appreciate some support and advice esp anyone been through similar

Jinx

I have been in your daughters position. Dad not interested in keeping in touch (despite having access) and paid no maintenance in 14 years!! He turned up literally days after my 16th birthday....

I would say you have to let your daughter make the decisions, shes old enough to have questions some hard questions such as why he didnt keep in touch etc and she may or may not want to keep in touch with him.

For me I resented that my mum struggled to look after us while he just walked away. I therefore made the decision not to get to know him; that hed left it too long... Im occasionally curious but dont regret my decision. You, like my mum, have to give that option.... Good luck

oldandhappy

Think you would be wise to tell him to more than sod off if your account is as you say..honest he is going to mess your lives and your daughters..not sure how you will keep him at bay though. I have no previous experience of your situation although plenty with ex's of my childrens mistakes that is on going it seems for a liftime of dramas.......... Dianne

nearlyrich

Are you saying that your DD doesn't know that your husband is not her father? Regardless of whether she sees her "real" dad in the future I think you owe it to her to be honest with her about her parentage, at 16 she is old enought to decide if she wants a relationship with him.

dandy-candy

Forthebetter wrote: »

Fast forward to now and my dd who regards my husband as dad and her siblings as her own was shocked to read a fb message saying he's not your dad I know who is ( it was his sister) I told dd it was a nutter and she was happy with that.

Does you dd know your DH isn't her bio dad? If so why didn't you tell her the FB message was from her bio dad's sister?

Forthebetter

Thankyou for your replies, I'm torn in that I do not want to lie to her but she has exams and wants to go onto to do A levels and I don't want her head and heart being pulled at, Im sorry but if he really wanted to he could have easily found her and asked for contact years ago, this is what grates on me the suddenly popping up at 16 ?

I would of course like to think she would say sod u but I don't want to put her through the pain and then him sod off again, that would be so destroying.

I'm so torn, I was tempted to tell him to take me to court to prove paternity and then inform him I would be applying for csa as she intends to stay in full time education ..... Maybe it's my way to test him and see a reaction .... I know it's mean I'm not a bad person honest. But he cannot just expect me to say oh here's a man who wants to be your dad now !

Forthebetter

Sorry new replies ,

my dd is unaware that her dad is not her father, I wrote the fb off as nutters out there and she asked no more, I understand her bio dad put a stop to it, but trying to form contact like that was even wrong and shows how uncaring they are toward her, it's more of a ooooo we know something that you don't know

dandy-candy

I'm guessing this means she doesn't know? Tbh I think you MUST tell the the truth. If you deny he's her day and she finds out you've been lying/keeping secrets she will possibly hate you forever. If you tell her the truth and what a toe-rag he was then she will most likely trust your judgement and assuming she happy with her current family she won't be too interested in her old dad. But above all DONT LIE TO HER!!! If you love her, respect her enough to be honest.

Forthebetter

I don't want to lie I truly don't but I don't want her discarded by him again either ..... It hurts to know the pain she will feel and seeing my pain will hurt her double, what's this magical 16 she is still a child she still has bed times, in times, homework times and now exam times this is not the magical mature age to drop bombs..... Ok tears a flowing I know there is no right time but arrrrggghhh at him for being so selfish.

Nicki

Regardless of how and why they have made contact, and how her dad treated you in the past, I don't think you have the right to lie to a sixteen year old about their parentage. Don't we all have the right to know our genetic inheritance? At what point were you proposing to tell her that the man she believes to be her father is not related to her?

I do think you owe it to your daughter to tell her the truth, and also not to infuse her with bitterness towards her genetic father. His failure to stand by you through the pregnancy and to support his child is as much, if not more, about his relationship with you as it is to do with how he feels about her ( after all he barely knew her when he left). I would tell her the bare facts, stripping out all personal comment about her father, and leave it up to her as to what to do about it.

BitterAndTwisted

I don't think exams coming up is a compelling enough reason to not tell your daughter the truth. She had an inkling after that FB message and it would be very dishonest of you to perpetuate a lie. She will find out and it's only right and fair that you be the person to tell her the truth. I don't imagine for one moment that new approaches won't be made at some point. I don't think that the information will be as devastating as you expect, especially if the relationship she has with her proper Dad us a good one.