Real Life MMD: Should I continue buying my god-daughter presents?

Tali_2

Surely your decision is based upon your desire to give, which I'd always thought was rather the point of gifts. If you want to give, give and if you don't, stop, but don't try to find a reason to justify the decision either way.

MartinWickham

I find the people who keep distributing their gifts to my daughter or myself a menace. It's very difficult to get them to stop and they're increasingly offended when hints become more explicit.

Rather than keep meddling in other family's celebrations, and trying to manoeuvre recipients into responding to your satisfaction, ask yourself whether you have any moral right to send your 'gift' anyway. Perhaps, then, you might deduce that it's really not wanted. That saves you money and relieves the recipient from cringing!

interestseeker

At some convenient opportunity enquire whether she enjoyed her gift or what she used the money for so show you are interested in feedback and ensure she actually received it.

robotwars

Deleted_User wrote: »

I think the solution is to only give presents if you want to actually give a present, not because you want thanks for it. I know it is rude but are you saying that the girl is only 10? I didn't say thanks personally for my presents until I was probably 15 or 16! My mum always did it and then passed the phone to me to say thanks, and my Mum only did it because she had given presents to the other persons kids, and I'm sure they did it for the same reason too. Buy something smaller and less expensive or stop buying if you want.

Having worked in a primary school, I know that children much younger than 10 are able to understand that it is polite to thank someone for something that they have either done for them or given to them. As others have said, it is courtesy to thank someone for a gift. My sons aged 14 and 18 have always thanked friends and relatives for gifts. They give thanks in person if they are personally given the gift and by phone, email or note if the gift is sent. I don't think it is important how the thanks is conveyed, just that it is done. As a family we also send thank you cards when we have stayed with friends or have been treated to a meal.

battycatlady

I had a similar problem but with my niece and nephew, but it was made slightly more awkward by the fact that my niece, the elder of the two, never thanked me, but my nephew always did. After giving my niece £50 for her 18th birthday and not receiving a thank you, I decided enough was enough and I would stop buying for her. However it did mean that my nephew would have to be treated the same way. I did give again - £50 each for their 21st birthdays, but received no thank you of any sort from either of them. I now just send a card for their birthdays. However, Christmas has just caused another set of problems - I gave them £20 each and a scratchcard, and my son received £10 and a scratchcard from them - why is nothing ever straightforward??

vik74

My children are 16 and 13 and have always been told that if someone buys you a gift it is only right to thank them by way of a handmade or computer made card, when they were tiny I did it for them as they got older I would leave the Dear.... for them to fill in and let them scribble their name then as they got old enough to write they did their own and still do, my daughter has just wrote her birthday thank you's, unfortunately its not something people tend to do a lot anymore we have 14 nieces and nephews and out of all of those only 4 of them ever take the time to thank us, its only my opinion but if I was told I would get 10 gifts and all I had to do was to write a small note of thanks for each I'd be on it.

minicooper272

You make me feel guilty - I'm in the God-daughter shoes... I get gifts from my god parents and I write them a card and get a small token present for them and then realise I don't know their address. I ask my mum for it, she forgets to look it up and I get too busy with work to pester her for it. I understand it must look really rude to my god-parents, but I'm not intentionally being rude, and I'm sure your god-daughter isn't either.

It's your friends responsibility to say thanks, but you need to factor in a little bit about how often you see her and how far away they are (my god parents live hundreds of miles away so it's not easy to say thanks in passing, but if you live around the corner, that's just laziness). I'd cut back on the amount you spend on the kid though, after all, you don't get feed back on whether she likes what you send and there is no point spending £20 on something she might not like.

nonniek

I felt something similar with my sister in law's family, there are no thank you to our gifts in anyway. This is frustrating as you have no idea whether the gift was liked, useful or apppreciated which in turn makes the next years buying even harder. The simple truth of it is that she was never made to write thank yous, probably doesn't need the gifts bought as they have plenty of money (and doesn't consider that the purchasee might be struggling to buy them) nor needs the confidence boost that the thank you provides. I know this is not just me as several other family members have said the same. Now i purchase the gift I think she might like (and no longer care if she does as I don't put too much effort in to it) and don't worry about the waste of money it could potentially be (it's a gift) and when I can I buy her presents for less than the set amount I put aside for these things.

I would continue to buy a gift but buy a gift card / give money now (then you know it's not the present they don't like) but reduce what you spend as you say you can't afford it and stop wasting your energy getting upset (this is not what you friend / goddaughter would want as the omition of a thank you to them doesn't mean the same as it does to you and they most likely have absolutely no idea that it is upsetting you) and take pleasure in the nice thank yous that you do recieve!:)

Ritch

Dear MSE Lee,
You've had plenty of replies by now, and I'm sure you can see where most of them are coming from - all shades of opinion! I read a relevant quotation recently: "You can't reason someone out of something they weren't reasoned into in the first place." So, let's go with the heart rather than the head. You clearly love your god-daughter, and her parents must have loved you else you wouldn't be what you are - the child's god-mother! When choosing presents, choose with your heart, not your wallet. If you can only afford a little, only buy that. When giving your gift, don't imagine that it's received with any less love than went with it from you. God-parents are there to set an example, the message of which may take many years to come to fruition - all in God's good time in fact, as God has forever... If you want to lovingly remind the parents - your friends, after all - of their "duty" to be thankful, simply ask them for a photo of your god-daughter with the gift you gave. You will probably get a thankyou from all of them with the photo!
Most importantly of all, be thankful to the source of all this love for the opportunity of learning the lesson of what giving is really all about - it's about sharing, not sacrificing.
Bless you all.

Augustus_the_Strong

Stop buying the kid presents - they probably won't even notice. I agree that you shouldn't just give a present in order to get thanked, but not to have any acknowledgment after ten years of giving is a bit much. If your friend (or the kid) has the impudence to complain, you can explain that you thought they didn't care about the presents, as they never said anything about them. You are obviously a kind-hearted person, but don't let yourself be exploited.