OH wants to separate but wont move out of the house

Foggster

Person_one wrote: »

Have you ever tried it? I haven't and I know I couldn't. Think back to the emotions you felt during and just after your last break up or any tough break up. Its so hard and so intense and seeing the other person every other day, every hour of every day, keeps everything right there on the surface and prevents clear thinking and any chance of truly moving on.

I think living in the same house would actively hinder the 'settling' process. Maybe once they both know what's going to happen and have had a bit of time and space to adjust, they could share the house again until it sells or whatever, but right now I think its a bad idea.

TBH it all comes down to individual relationships.

I was with my daughters father for 8 years, at the time we split my daughter was 2 and we went on to live with one another for a further 12 months after the split. It is doable but its very individual to the couple. My ex wasnt a very nice person but once we made the decision to split and stay in the house until we had sorted other living arrangements the relationship finished and a friendship of sorts begain.

My initial feeling is the OP is rushing it. I dont have the impression she feels unsafe or threatened so why not just see if a little tolerance can be shown on both sides and work things through carefully so that neither party is at a disadvantage.

Selling a house is tough enough without the added weather we have been experiencing recently, who wants to view houses in 4ft of snow! See if you can wait until the Spring when the market should start moving albeit slowy.

tsstss7

The truth is here that both op and her husband have equal rights to the property and having been in op's position (to a degree) I can tell you that op will not get any sort of priority on council housing lists as she is also EQUALLY entitled to stay in the property and if she wishes to leave then she would have to do so by renting privately.

Right now OP's only real option if her husband is determined to stay for whatever reason is to consult a good solicitor (ask friends for recommendations) and take his/her advice. Even then it could be a long drawn out process.

tsstss7

Oh and I had to live with my ex for about 18mths after we were effectively no longer a couple and it totally f***ed my life up - it made it impossible for me to have friends/ work/ play have any kind of a life....it probably put me back 3 years going to work (I went back part time when DS1 was 8 and then full time a year later but wanted to years earlier.)

It might not seem like a big deal still having to live with an ex but when you don't work full time it has a massive impact on your life.

robpw2

op you say you do not see that much of him in your post .. because of his shifts , why worry if he lives there could you come to some kind of agreement where you share the house but as friends rather then lovers ..

sp1987

DUTR wrote: »

You and I know the idea is not far off ridiculous, they should sell up and cut their losses if they can't resolve their differences and issues, following your idea, it's not as if the OP would be in any great hurry to move out and get the house sold.
Sounds like many of you expect somebody else to pump up the tyres whilst you all get to ride the bike, sounds like the 'ex' has his head screwed on and won't be taken for a mug. :j

Exactly.

A totally different situation if this man was abusive or violent. He seems to have been honest with the OP and wishes not to be homeless.

Though I dare say if the OP wants him to leave but pay everything except the bills then maybe he is feeling a little bit like a walking wallet and that might be one of the problems.

If it was me, male or female...I wouldn't wish to leave my home just for having been honest and up front.

The house will either have to be sold or he will need to be bought out. It is his home too.

Why should someone be made homeless because they want to end a relationship? I'm certainly not saying she should leave. Simply that she should afford him the same courtesy he has her. I would imagine he has not asked her to leave, get a job and start paying the mortgage and loan so he can live there with 2 year old? No, because that too would be ridiculous.

JoJoB

OP you will be viewed as intentionally homeless if you leave the property while you are named on the mortgage. This means you would probably not be given any help with rent or given social housing - unless OH became abusive in some way (and domestic violence encompasses verbal, emotional and economic abuse, not only physical).

You might be able to afford the mortgage on your own with the extra help you get from tax credits being a single parent - have a look at your new scenario on entitled to.com, and add to that the CSA child maintenance figure your partner would have to pay you. Then see if the overall figure would cover your costs. If not then selling up without a profit, or getting a lodger in are your best bets.

suzukibabe

I have been reading this thread with some intrest, i'm in a similar situation to the OP - only you could say that i'm in the position of her OH.
I told my husband that i no longer wanted to be married due to things that he'd done which i won't go into and am not prepared to put up with anymore.

We have 2 children, i'm the only working and am just about keeping our heads above water. We are named as joint tenants and he won't move out- although he did for a week but moved back in while i was at work as 'he has as much right to be there as i do ' fair enough.
I know what it's like still living in the same house when you don't want either of you there.
I have an appointment this morning to see where i stand legally and to get the ball rolling regarding divorce and the children.

I am now at the point of thinking it would be a lot easier for me to move out and find somewhere else to live but like i've said i need to know where i stand with everything first.

I can see both sides of the OP's dilemma, why should he stay there when he doesn't want to be in the relationship? but also why should he have to be the one to move out if he is paying half of the bills?

Hope they can come to some sort of agreement.

Blitz01

Miss_Orangey_Goodness wrote: »

I have found myself in a tricky situation.
OH of 11 years has decided we have drifted apart based on his work and shifts and he doesnt see me often. He wants to end the relationship although he sounds confused and for the past week has stayed in the spare room. We have a 2 year old son.
Last night I asked how he felt (Ive not begged him to stay or change his mind, I cant make him want me) and he said he still "didnt know". Ive gone from being devastated, to anxiety, then feeling sorry for him but now Im really really p*ssed off.
The thing is he wont move out of the house as he says (a) he cant find anywhere else to go and (b) he cant afford a deposit to rent elsewhere. I dont want to be in the same house as someone who doesnt want to be with me. I dont know what to do...as I think he is shuffling his feet as well while he is still paying for half the mortgage (joint mortgage). I feel like packing his bags and leaving them outside and changing the locks OR putting on his facebook page an appeal for him to sleep on someone else's sofa! I appreciate he has told me the truth about his feelings but I cant cope with him here all the time (well when he isnt working). I dont know what to do...

If you don't want to be around him, why not pack your bags and go?
Why should he move out when he is still pay his share of the upkeep?

Sorry OP, but you sound like a very selfish and self-centred person.

thorsoak

Blitz01 wrote: »

If you don't want to be around him, why not pack your bags and go?
Why should he move out when he is still pay his share of the upkeep?

Sorry OP, but you sound like a very selfish and self-centred person.

The OP is the mother of a 2 year old child - that is why she should not pack her bags and go!

It would also appear that although she works full-time, he works spasmodically - does that sound like a reliable person? Not in my books!

podperson

Some slightly harsh opinions on here. OP is saying that after 11 years and having a child together her OH is now saying he doesn't want to be together. She is understandably upset and wants a bit of time to be able to process that without him being constantly around - don't think that means she is taking him for a ride. The house is currently up for sale (think it might be an idea to reduce the price to try and get a quick sale) but until it is sold then it is in joint names and whichever of them lives in it they are both legally responsible for the mortgage on it.