OH wants to separate but wont move out of the house

Person_one

faithcecilia wrote: »

It seems ludicrous for anyone to be sleeping on a sofa when there is a perfectly good bed in the spare room! There are quite often posts on here where people are urging the (usually) woman to stay in the house if she is on the mortgage because she has every right to, so surely that has to be the same with the man? I'm not suggesting it would be easy, but it would certainly be possible to live seperately but in one house, at least in the short term while the situation settles a bit.

Have you ever tried it? I haven't and I know I couldn't. Think back to the emotions you felt during and just after your last break up or any tough break up. Its so hard and so intense and seeing the other person every other day, every hour of every day, keeps everything right there on the surface and prevents clear thinking and any chance of truly moving on.

I think living in the same house would actively hinder the 'settling' process. Maybe once they both know what's going to happen and have had a bit of time and space to adjust, they could share the house again until it sells or whatever, but right now I think its a bad idea.

Person_one

DUTR wrote: »

Whilst they live in the same household, they are both the primary carers. Is it the blokes fault that he has perhaps fallen out of love?
He works a 60 hour week, with the best will in the world he is not spending very much time with the child.

Some people do get so wrapped up in looking after the children that they forget about the person they made the child with .
Is this aimed at the OP? She's not the one who fell out of love, and if you're trying to suggest that she's at fault for prioritising the child then you're way out of line. That's what parents are supposed to do when they have children!

I hear what you say although I strongly disagree, the reasons I choose to co -habit with somebody, once those have drastically changed, then I would not be moving out of my own home and paying for anybody else to stay there at the expense of having no where to live myself.
Its home to three people though, what's your long term solution?

.............

DUTR

Person_one wrote: »

Whilst they live in the same household, they are both the primary carers. Is it the blokes fault that he has perhaps fallen out of love?
He works a 60 hour week, with the best will in the world he is not spending very much time with the child.

Some people do get so wrapped up in looking after the children that they forget about the person they made the child with .
Is this aimed at the OP? She's not the one who fell out of love, and if you're trying to suggest that she's at fault for prioritising the child then you're way out of line. That's what parents are supposed to do when they have children!

I hear what you say although I strongly disagree, the reasons I choose to co -habit with somebody, once those have drastically changed, then I would not be moving out of my own home and paying for anybody else to stay there at the expense of having no where to live myself.
Its home to three people though, what's your long term solution?.............

So he is good enough to foot the bills etc but not good enough for the relationship?
Yes I do say the OP is partly to blame, if they don't have quality time with each other, I would stake a months salary on, if that was made plain that once the child(ren) come along, the relationship between the two adults ceases romantically , then it would not have gotten to where it has.
Yes it is home to 3 people and so it remains, frankly they are running on the best solution, the best long term solution I cn see quickly is for the OP to buy him out.
Hope the whole episode does not turn into one of these headline news stories we have seen in the media in the past.... but with some of the comments on moving out, you can see why they occur whether right or wrong.

faithcecilia

Person_one wrote: »

Have you ever tried it? I haven't and I know I couldn't. Think back to the emotions you felt during and just after your last break up or any tough break up. Its so hard and so intense and seeing the other person every other day, every hour of every day, keeps everything right there on the surface and prevents clear thinking and any chance of truly moving on.

I think living in the same house would actively hinder the 'settling' process. Maybe once they both know what's going to happen and have had a bit of time and space to adjust, they could share the house again until it sells or whatever, but right now I think its a bad idea.

I don't believe in cohabitation so no, I haven't. However my parents did it 15years ago, and were able to work things out and are still very much together, even now they have no 'children' to stay together for.

Breast_Cancer_Survivor

Sublime wrote: »

You stand a good chance of getting priority on the housing register, due to having a young child, and leaving your home because of a relationship breakdown.

Your ex probably wouldn't be able to get anything. I think you both need to sit down, and discuss this sensibly. Perhaps seek some advice?

Unfortunately this isn't the case as they class you as making yourself homeless infact if you stay in the family home as you have nowhere to go & the house gets repossessed due to not being able to afford the mortgage on your own you are still classed as making yourself homeless.

Person_one

faithcecilia wrote: »

I don't believe in cohabitation so no, I haven't. However my parents did it 15years ago, and were able to work things out and are still very much together, even now they have no 'children' to stay together for.

Well I told you my experience, it differs from your parents, they are both equally true and valid. The OP will be different again but right now it sounds like she really wants and needs that space.

FATBALLZ

Person_one wrote: »

The OP is the primary carer for a small child who does not deserve to be uprooted to stay on a friend's sofa.

Also, some people (myself included) feel that the party responsible for a current difficult situation should bear more of the consequences of their actions than their 'victim'.

This may well be true in a lot of peoples views however given that the OP has no legal right to force their partner out of a place he jointly owns, pushing her to try and get him out when he obviously doesn't want to go isn't really helpful. She needs to concentrate on what is practical and realistic.

Sublime_2

Breast_Cancer_Survivor wrote: »

Unfortunately this isn't the case as they class you as making yourself homeless infact if you stay in the family home as you have nowhere to go & the house gets repossessed due to not being able to afford the mortgage on your own you are still classed as making yourself homeless.

I see where you're coming from now. Hope OP gets this sorted out. Couldn't she get on the housing list though for being forced out of the home due to a relationship breakdown, as her ex isn't moving.

Person_one

FATBALLZ wrote: »

This may well be true in a lot of peoples views however given that the OP has no legal right to force their partner out of a place he jointly owns, pushing her to try and get him out when he obviously doesn't want to go isn't really helpful. She needs to concentrate on what is practical and realistic.

I suppose you're right, there isn't a lot of point talking about the rights and wrongs if the people involved are going to do what they want regardless.

mountainofdebt

Person_one wrote: »

A mortgage in joint names is just another joint loan.

I totally agree.

However the OP seems think that its perfectly reasonable (whoever is at fault for the breakdown of the marriage) that her OH wil pay half of the joint loan and half the mortgage and still be able to rent / buy somewhere else to live not forgetting that maintenance will still be expected (as is right) for the son?

Would you still think that this was reasonable if the OP was a man?

As I said before it sounds to me that there is someone else involved and that the OP and her OH needs to have a frank and honest discussion and not tippy toe around each other.