Bullying partner? Comments pls

DUTR

pearl123 wrote: »

I've been aware for sometime that my partner is awfuly bulling. I had a awful Xmas due to him laying down the law.
Anyway today whilst shopping he turned to me at the till and said " At the end of every week I (he) will check the fridge to see if all the food is used up so that there is no wastage."I lost my temper and told him what I l thougth of him and his idea but could no shout as was in a public place. He was telling me to keep it down.
I am very careful about food wastage, as I have been without money in the past. I'm very upset about the latest comments from him. Does anyone think that they are the comments from a bygone ere, almost victorian.
I'm in my 40's and certainly do make my opinion know to him re his behaviour.
Let me know you opinions please.

Interesting thread, but my thinking outside of the box is that you are both bullying each other :eek:

Christmas is what the individual makes it, not somebody else.
Food wastage ??? Can't be imagined, so either it is wasted or it is not.
What is on a plate should be consumed and not put in a bin.
Is he the breadwinner? There is no mention of children (or not that I have noticed) are you both at work, perhaps the recession is taking effect on finances?
How can one party kick the other out of their home?
If you are both not willing to adjust then the only obvious decision is to go your seperate ways, the perfect partner only belongs to the perfect partner, as none of us are perfect then it is in itself is unreasonable & bullying to expect the other one to be perfect.
As mentioned earlier in the thread, we don't know the other party's view on the situation, so getting the readers to gang up on just your view point is not quite right really

thunderbird

I don't think I've read a single comment on why the OP is with their partner? I am guessing that there must also be some positives otherwise they would not be with this person in the first place?

A few of the things that the partner has said suggests that they may have some problems with obsessive behaviour - not as extreme as OCD. Wanting the containers packed away in a certain way, rearranging the flowers, not wanting food left in the fridge. Obviously can't make any huge judgements like that from a few forum posts, but maybe worth considering if they have a problem that they need help with?

pearl123

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive. Yesterday was complete meltdown for me. It looks like I've got alot of thinking to do! The shocking thing is how this sort of problem can slowly creep up into a nightmare. In this relationship I've always stood up for myself (been quite vocal) yet it did not stop his mis-treatment of me. I've only given a snipet of what been happening, but with the vast majority finding it unacceptable has re-enforced what I think.
I'm rather supprised that I've aired everything in public, but I think it shows how worn down and depressed I'd got with it. I had wondered if I was being unreasonable, but everyones support has shown me that you too think his behaviour is unacceptable. Thank you.

It's interesting that many are looking at the other side of the reletionship and the fact that there is too sides to the story. I relise that and that none of us are perfect. I think being critised almost dayly is unhealthy for the person on the recieving end. Re:Food wastage - I honestly don't throw away hardly anyting in a year. I doubt if it would fill a sandwich bag in a year.

DUTR

pearl123 wrote: »

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive. Yesterday was complete meltdown for me. It looks like I've got alot of thinking to do! The shocking thing is how this sort of problem can slowly creep up into a nightmare. In this relationship I've always stood up for myself (been quite vocal) yet it did not stop his mis-treatment of me. I've only given a snipet of what been happening, but with the vast majority finding it unacceptable has re-enforced what I think.
I'm rather supprised that I've aired everything in public, but I think it shows how worn down and depressed I'd got with it. I had wondered if I was being unreasonable, but everyones support has shown me that you too think his behaviour is unacceptable. Thank you.

It's interesting that many are looking at the other side of the reletionship and the fact that there is too sides to the story. I relise that and that none of us are perfect. I think being critised almost dayly is unhealthy for the person on the recieving end. Re:Food wastage - I honestly don't throw away hardly anyting in a year. I doubt if it would fill a sandwich bag in a year.

And by the very nature of this thread the majority of replies are doing just that, criticising your partner :eek:
Naturally people will want to be supportive, behind closed doors we don't know what is happening in other households, and some will live their 'fantasies' by offering one liner solutions. However some ask why you stay with him, and a valid answer could be fear of the unknown, as whilst there will be better out there, there will also be worse, sometimes it is better the devil you know
The last thing you will want to do is enter into a new relationship with loads of emotional baggage, chances are the new partner will be experienced in life and not wish to just be a knight in shining armour.
Christmas has come and gone and there would have been people sitting around lonely, for some a rubbish relationship is better than no relationship at all, you have to look out for number 1, as nobody else will.

pearl123

I've just re-read all of these messages. It seems that some believe that it's not necessarily verbal abuse and that is just a couple bickering. I had not intentionally set out to get people on my side. I just wanted peoples opinions iniallly whether a man checking up on whether all food was used up was fair. I didn't think it was, as I would put me under stress and make him highly controlling.
It is nice to see how balance the responses have been. I guess what people see as verbal abuse is not clear cut and that has given me much to think about.

paddy's_mum

For some couples, constant low-grade bickering is the give-and-take and the rubbing-along-together that comprises a marriage and they would be astonished that onlookers believed there to be little love between them. Often, there is the deepest affection and loyalty and the smart-!!!! comments and catty ripostes are no true indication at all of dislike let alone loathing. However, if the only real emotion the OP feels is unhappiness and the partner cannot alter their perceptions of life, there doesn't seem to be much reason to stay.

In post 55, DUTR makes the comment that sometimes a poor relationship is better than no relationship at all. I do think that there is some sense in this point of view provided that the relationship in question isn't actually toxic. Pearl has a few difficult and painful decisions to make. I wish her good luck and a happier future, whichever way she decides to go.

DUTR

pearl123 wrote: »

I've just re-read all of these messages. It seems that some believe that it's not necessarily verbal abuse and that is just a couple bickering. I had not intentionally set out to get people on my side. I just wanted peoples opinions iniallly whether a man checking up on whether all food was used up was fair. I didn't think it was, as I would put me under stress and make him highly controlling.
It is nice to see how balance the responses have been. I guess what people see as verbal abuse is not clear cut and that has given me much to think about.

I would say it's not right as in checking up, but does sound like something is not right if one is being picky and the other is being picky about the other one being picky. During my shopping today I will purchase some grated cheese, the packaging is only in a size that I won't finish quickly enough, so after a time I will put it out for the birds in the garden, bread is expensive for the smaller sizes .
It does sound like stress on both parties and it may not be just food watage or dress sense that is the core issue

kate1976

pearl123 wrote: »

And at times I've gritted my teeth to keep the peace.

Oh I have so been there but really you (nor anyone) should feel the need to grit their teeth, he is wearing you down and I think deep down you know what you need to do, it'll be hard but can you really see happiness ahead if he carries on? Good luck and please don't let him grind you down!

DansMum_2

Pearl, if you were blissfully happy would you even start this thread? Is love always saying sorry? Or dreading the next episode?

Been there myself. I had to leave all my text messages on my phone at night so he could check up on me and read them (woe betide me if I deleted any or put a PIN on my phone) , he wrote a letter to my Mum telling her what a horrible person I was. He insisted I was having an affair with my best friend. I would tell him to get out and he wouldnt. He would have got violent had I let him.

One day he decided to try the threaten me by leaving. I grabbed my oppurtunity and changed the locks (we didnt live together but he was always here) and as he also worked with us we caught him stealing and downloading p*rn on the office computer so sacked him too.

Am now with DansDad who has his difficult moments, but at least I feel good about myself now...

I hope you can find thr strength to do whats right for you xxx

meritaten

Pearl - I wasnt in any way trying to play down your situation - YOU are unhappy with his behaviour and I can totally understand (and identify) with that! I did actually consult a solicitor a few years ago who called my OHs behaviour 'the worst case of Mental Cruelty' she had come across! I went out of her office wondering why I wasnt feeling vindicated and happy to have the prospect of being free of him...........it took me a few days to realise that she only had my point of view - that I hadnt told her about his family background (he honestly didnt know any other way of behaviour) or about his depression!
I decided that he would get yet another chance - but instead of silently fuming we would have a frank talk - then the solicitor sent him the divorce papers before we had spoken and OMG he was devastated and truly puzzled why I saw him this way. Its taken years of work on both our parts - but, if you can talk honestly and frankly and he is willing to see your point of view and will work WITH you - may it be worth saving the relationship? it wasnt until my OH opened up about things with me I started to try to see it from HIS view (and sometimes that view wasnt pretty either).
if you honestly feel its gone beyond that - then as others have said - its time to sever the relationship and if so - then I wish you joy, luck and happiness. NO-ONE should live feeling put down and denigrated!
Merit