Bullying partner? Comments pls

meritaten

Pearl - your partner has issues, you see his behaviour as bullying and controlling - and to be fair so do most of the people posting! your partner though may see his behaviour as 'helping' you! you say you have told him how you feel - was that in a confrontational situation? because very few people actually listen when arguing with someone. have you sat down with him and snuggled up and asked why he feels he needs to monitor everything you do?
I am NOT defending him! but, I am wondering whether he really doesnt understand why you get upset (and therefore puts it down to 'WOMEN!'), or whether he really does want to control you. You entered a relationship with him - what was he like before? has he really got worse or did you see the signs and ignored them? My OH can come across as a control freak - but its insecurity on his part and I recognise that and can deal with it. he also has a 'thing' about recycling - it drives me nuts!!! honestly, he checks the kitchen bin to make sure I havent chucked out anything which could be recycled. I COULD see this as controlling ME - but really its his concern for the environment! I do have to count to a hundred and remind myself that he is a good recycler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and NOT to take it as personal criticism. only you will know whether your partner is trying to control or abuse you. or just being an insensitive clod on occasion.
but saying that - any signs of violence and I would be out of there!

pupsicola

pearl123 wrote: »

To those who question whether it is abuse. It seems to me that whatever I do is never right.

He's critises much of what I do and I'm lucky that I miss a day of critism.

If I'm going out somewhere the following day, (I'm mostly indoors) I hardly ever tell him (now) as he will frequently create an arguement/upset which means that I get unwell or have less sleep.

I've had to keep secrets because I didn't feel I could share with him as he was so critical of everything. And I mean everything.

Everything it seems in his eyes that I do is wrong.

He even once wanted to stand over me whilst I washed up to check I was doing it right.

If pearls partner sees his behaviour as "helping her" then its backfired totally, going by how she feels.

If he wants to help her why did he tell her "From what ive seen so far you're not a woman" Its not exactly standard constructive criticism is it?

meritaten

no - its not! but none of us know in what context this was said do we? I am not defending him - just putting forward a view by a woman who lives with a difficult man. My OH would deny mental abuse because he honestly believes he is helping me! I could go insane sometimes because I DONT want his help! he also has a bad role model in his dad who was, to put it bluntly, the dictator in the house! its taken me years to understand how HE thinks! now I do, I am much more content. and I am not easy to live with either! compromise and give and take and COMMUNICATION are the reason we are still together after 34 years!

ETanny

I think you really need to leave him. I know its easier to say then do but no one deserves to be spoken like that - especially by someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally and all your faults and all.
From what you have said your being abused and need to leave before the name calling escalates into something much worse.
You deserve better x

balletshoes

pearl123 wrote: »

I've been aware for sometime that my partner is awfuly bulling. I had a awful Xmas due to him laying down the law.
Anyway today whilst shopping he turned to me at the till and said " At the end of every week I (he) will check the fridge to see if all the food is used up so that there is no wastage."I lost my temper and told him what I l thougth of him and his idea but could no shout as was in a public place. He was telling me to keep it down.
I am very careful about food wastage, as I have been without money in the past. I'm very upset about the latest comments from him. Does anyone think that they are the comments from a bygone ere, almost victorian.
I'm in my 40's and certainly do make my opinion know to him re his behaviour.
Let me know you opinions please.

I'd be sorely tempted to tell him he can take control of stocking all the cupboards,fridge,freezer all by himself - saves you having to do it! I don't like food shopping.

balletshoes

pearl123 wrote: »

Todays episode really ground me down and upset me.
He says things like "from what I've seen so far you're not a woman".
Alot of what he does seems to be him underminding my role as a woman. I was wearing one of those casual craighopper stye zip fleeses in the house the other day. The gym type. They zip about 3 inches below the neck.
He came home and one of the first things he did was pull at it saying I was showing too much flesh.
I don't come from any cultural background where this should be a problem. I suppose I'm just getting more and more depressed by it all. I also given him alot of warnings about his verbal abuse. I actually don't beliveve he would be voilent, as this reletionship is nearly 4 years old and I would have thought that if it was to evolve it would have done by now.
I asked everyones opinion because in the end one begins to wonder if one is sane or being unreasonable.

I really don't waste food and thought todays comments were outrageous. It just seems more of the same. I know what I should do, because he's not going to change
and to be honest he's now continually so unpleasant with me - I can't see the point of him being around.

This isn't just about his perception of food being wasted, its clearly about his need/wish to undermine you and make you feel as small and as insignificant as possible. You know yourself no-one who loves you would do this to you. Move on, and do it soon, before you start to believe what he says.

Barneysmom

I'd just leave half an onion or cabbage in the fridge to see what he does about it.

Jinx

It sounds like you've made your decision OP, you just now need to make a plan to act on it........ Good Luck

pupsicola

Barneysmom wrote: »

I'd just leave half an onion or cabbage in the fridge to see what he does about it.

As you slam the door and walk away for good. Def go with the cabbage, may give him a subtle message.

pearl123

In the early days I did notice the warning signs. To be honest when a verbally abusive episode takes place one can be so shocked by it that one does not react clear headedly. However, I nearly alway made it clear to him that it was not acceptable because of what happened to me in the past. I can turn a blind eye to irritability, because someone is tired. And at times I've gritted my teeth to keep the peace.
The problem is that the verbal abuse has vastly increased over the last 9 months. I'd forgotten that can happen. I thought I was wise, but perhaps I've been rather stupid. I will talk quietly to him tomorrow about it, as to me it worth finding out. However, I think that is behaviour is so ingrained that it has become part of his personallity. He's only ever had very short relationships before.
Re: "the for what I've seen your not a woman." I think I'd made a picknic and was packing the empty containers away after having had a nice day out. He did not like how I'd done it.
Another for instance although minor. If I get flowers for Valentines day - he will adjust how I've arranged how I've done the flowers. Everything seems to be done to undermine me. Even on new years eve. We had a quick short drink at midnight - a romantic moment for a woman and we had been having terrible relationship problems. He said to me don't sling that drink back as usual. It so frequently sound to me like he's giving me a verbal slap in the face.